How do affairs start?

[User112]

How would one know the other is even interested? I heard of affairs between family friends. They meet for dinners/days out with families! How the hell does it all start? All I can imagine is one party being really interested, the other side getting uncomfortable and slowly starts distancing.

I imagine a lot of them start when the two are alone and drunk (in terms of family friends etc) maybe they are all on holiday and the two end up staying up late and one thing leads to another etc.

I can't see how else it would happen in the situation you describe. I'm probably wrong though, I have no experience with real life affairs so all my knowledge comes from the movies.

I’ve never had an affair myself but a couple of close friends have. They said it started with one flirting, and the other reciprocating via messages. And then in person, more flirting, something entirely inappropriate and then kissing, one went straight to sex there and then and the other had sex at the next meet up.

So, they know what they’re doing with the flirting in the first place.

To start the physical side of the affair then obviously they must be alone together. But I've often wondered what leads up to that point. I imagine it's one of two scenarios. Firstly, one party is so attracted to the other than they'll make it known directly but furtively while in the company of others, perhaps while out together with their other halves. Secondly, attraction grows through regular time spent together, perhaps being work colleagues. Attraction through familiarity?

Almost all of the affairs I am aware of began at work .

Slowly, then all at once. I think they tend to happen because something isn’t going right at home. That’s not to say that the person who is being cheated on is at fault, but they don’t start when people are happy.

Like any other relationship really in terms of flirting, unnecessary physical contact, little acts like making them a coffee (if at work), moving on to let's go to Costa to let's grab some dinner as we've worked late.... And so on. You add in the sneaky, the ego boost, the thrill of the new and put against normal domestic work/ life/ kids etc. Not that hard to see. People kid themselves that it's not cheating, or not leading to it, just fun and then it's 'we fell in love' 'you can't help your feelings' bollocks swiftly followed by 'I've been unhappy for ages / never felt like this before' and so on.

The ones I know most about involved situations where one or both people were unhappy in their marriages and were thrown together in work-type situations abroad and acted.

I had absolutely no idea that one of these friends was so unhappy, as his marriage looked enviably successful and united from the outside.

The way he tells it is that he was working abroad for a few weeks (regular long haul gig) and saw a complete stranger coming through a door and ‘just knew’. He did, I suppose, the honourable thing in that he immediately told his wife as soon as he came home, moved out and lived alone while travelling back periodically to see the other woman, initiated divorce proceedings, she emigrated to his country and they married as soon as the divorce came through, and are, I think, happy. It still caused enormous pain. His ex, who is great, is bitter, and their adult children didn’t speak to their father for years, while hers didn’t like her emigrating, though she’d been divorced from their father for a long time.

If one of the affair people are single, it starts by the one in a relationship giving little hints that they aren't happy. Their husband/wife doesn't understand them. They're getting treated shabbily etc., so the person who is single, is tricked into feeling sorry for them and can't understand how this wonderful person is not being idolised by their other half and they mustn't see what you see etc.,

All absolute bollocks. They just want a new shag.

So many different reasons op.

@Sausageandeggs

Slowly, then all at once. I think they tend to happen because something isn’t going right at home. That’s not to say that the person who is being cheated on is at fault, but they don’t start when people are happy.

Not sure I agree. Some people just want to have their cake and eat it. I remember reading an article in the Guardian by a woman who had been having an affair for several years with a married friend of her husband. She was very happy with things as they were.

My friend is having an affair with a married man. She was unhappy in her relationship and they were living together but kind of separated. They met on a night out, although he originally liked her friend but she wasn't interested,exchanged numbers and started messaging. He told her he was separated- now obvious that's not the case.

They then moved to meeting up and now meet up every week at hotels.

Affairs between people who know each other I always think start with little steps and not enough self reflection or willingness to self challenge. Few people think "I'm going to try to form a relationship with this other person and cheat on my spouse".

They see each other in a legitimate way then hang back chatting 1-1, a few times later they have a little coffee after. They decide to meet up because "oh what's the harm in that, we are friends". Same with actions - a little touch on the arm or the small of the back. A kiss on the cheek when you leave when you would usually just do a brief hug.

You need to be v aware of whenever you are taking a social step that you wouldn't take if your spouse was right next to you, even if you can't quite articulate or admit to yourself why you wouldn't .

There's obviously, the meet on a night out at a party and start sleeping together.

The ones like friends or work colleagues etc its a series of cross small lines, from what I have observed. Friendliness turns to mild flirting, which they goes to major flirting they wouldn't do in front of their partners, then maybe flirting over text and crossing lines, eventually building up to maneuvering situations where they are alone etc.

Seen it happen so many times in the workplace and with a couple of friends.

I had an affair,
I was very lonely in my marriage.
It was a new work colleague, who flirted with me, took me out for lunch when we were working, sent me links to things around my hobby, took me for a drink after work, listened to me, showed an interest in me as a person, bought my favourite chocolate to the office for me.

I told my husband, before anything had actually happened and he left. I was so angry with him, I needed him to take it as a wake up call that all the problems we had been having, and my unhappiness needed his attention, that we needed to do something, make changes but he didn't.

So I allowed the colleague to take me out, and let it happen.

It felt so good to be noticed.

So then when my husband wanted to try again I felt it was too late.

My ex-h's affair started because he found out OW's husband had been killed and rushed round to offer her help
and support. Largely because he realised she was going to be left wealthy and didn't want the bother of having to work or take care of our autistic toddler anymore.

Absolute pair of cunts. What they put me and my children through, I doubt I will ever recover from.

Perhaps ask a Mr Boris Johnson or a Mr Ryan Giggs this question. They have plenty of experience.

Alcohol.

@TheFormidableMrsC

My ex-h's affair started because he found out OW's husband had been killed and rushed round to offer her help and support. Largely because he realised she was going to be left wealthy and didn't want the bother of having to work or take care of our autistic toddler anymore.

Absolute pair of cunts. What they put me and my children through, I doubt I will ever recover from.

I’m very sorry for what you went through but I feel sorry for the OW in this case too. Her husband had been killed, your ex preyed on her when she was at her most vulnerable. He really was a cunt.

@CounsellorTroi Oh no, don't feel sorry for her. We both knew her. She'd been employed within my family. She had openly flirted with him in front of me, had made a play for him when we'd only been married and year. She was and is a nasty piece of work. She persuaded him to give up our son, she couldn't hide her contempt for my little boy to the point she is now subject to injunctive measures via Cafcass recommendation and my ex has a no contact order. She cared so much about her husband that mine moved in weeks later. I suspect they've always been in touch and her cruelty towards me and my son was mindblowing. They are cunts and a match made in heaven I'd say 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can understand the drunk out meeting stranger or someone at work start to an affair but I’ve never known how affairs in groups of friends or families start. Especially best friends, brother/sister in laws etc. I just can’t imagine my brother in law cornering me at a party in the kitchen ... or having a grope with my best friends husband. I’m genuinely interested if anyone has experienced this and would share with us. However understand may not want to as may get some stick (not from me). I’ll probably be waiting a long time but thought it’s worth asking.

@TheFormidableMrsC that puts a rather different light on things!

I think they start in the same range of ways as other relationships start.

By flirting, getting closer. Why would it be any different really?

They start with an invite for coffee or a lunchtime stroll.

[quote CounsellorTroi]@TheFormidableMrsC that puts a rather different light on things![/quote]
Doesn't it! Still, after 8 years of torture I am free of them 🎉

@balalake

Perhaps ask a Mr Boris Johnson or a Mr Ryan Giggs this question. They have plenty of experience.

I met a few times, briefly, one of the women who had an affair with BJ, and had had his child, and she was perfectly ordinary, clever, and nice. I spent the whole time wanting to grab her by the elbow and say ‘For the love of God, why?