To think that if you attend a funeral you acknowledge the family afterwards?

[Fuuuuuckit]

Now I'm not saying that our relative had a secret life we didn't know about (she categorically did not), but there were quite a few people at the funeral who didn't say anything at all to me or my sibling either before or afterwards.

At least 2 I knew of (childhood friends of the family) but had never met, were joking with others but didn't acknowledge us as closest relatives. At least 2 more disappeared straight after we came out of the crematorium. I'm sure there were more folk inside than I spoke to outside but in the hubbub just slinked away.

I do admit to doing the same once, recently at a friend's husband's funeral, but there were maybe 100 plus people there lined up to pay condolences, and I messaged later to apologise for not loitering but having been grateful to have been able to pay my respects.

AIBU to think that in a smallish funeral, you at least pause to say a word or two to the bereaved, even if it's by text later?

I am saying yabu, basically because there was quite a few people who didn't say anything to me or my brother at my mums funeral 2 months ago and it didn't bother me at all.

A cousin on my dad's side attended because my mum was very kind to him when he was a very troubled child. I knew he was there. It meant alot. There's not many on dad's side alive now. We aren't close to them. But this one cousin remembered mum for being to one that showed him kindness and understanding. He came to the funeral and went home after.

The daughter of my mums best friend (who died in her 40s) came. I saw her and she made eye contact and left. Her mum died when she was 20. I assume it was a very difficult day for her. We grew up together and spent time together until we were about 16.

People being there to pay their respects was enough for me. I also think that alot of people presume people close to the decrased may be ery overwhelmed and may not want to be surrounded by people. So they think they are doing the right thing.

People want to pay their respect and don't want to intrude. I'm not sure how they can text you if you don't know them though. Perhaps they will be sending you a card
I'm sorry for your loss

Maybe they didn’t know who you were?
they couldn’t remember your name or your connection
Maybe they were waiting for you to approach them?

I was incredibly grateful that people I didn’t know kept their distance at my mum’s funeral. I couldn’t imagine anything worse than trying to make polite conversation with someone I didn’t know in those circumstances.

And the alternative of a parade of people walking past saying “sorry for your loss” like it’s some wedding line-up? No thanks.

People deal with funerals differently. I have been very lucky so far so not lose a very close relative but when I do I know that I won't want to/be able to speak to anyone there as I become too emotional.

I think the fact that these people attended is enough and you should take comfort from that that they wanted to pay respects to your family member

It wouldn't occur to me to go up to grieving relatives at a funeral unless I knew them. I would think they probably had enough on their plate than making small talk with randoms.

Perhaps they didn't want to intrude on your grief. Perhaps they were trying to be thoughtful but they've offended you.
You are grieving and this sleight is your minds way of getting angry and emotional. Recognise how you feel in that way and try not to brood on them. You are upset and you're allowed to be but focus on yourself not others. Take care of yourself.

Yabu, but I can understand why you’d have liked to talk to everyone just to know who they were and what connection they had to your loved one.

I put YANBU. At my husband's funeral (small as advised by the police). His aunts, uncles and cousins from his dad's side never acknowledged me or our children. They came back to the wake at my house and still ignored us. My husband loved every one in his family and always made a point to keep in touch and call regularly. He would have been so confused and upset.

Why? Surely the focus of a funeral is the dead person, not their family. You might want to talk to the family, or they to you, if you have a relationship with them, or actually know them, but otherwise, what's the point? Surely you'd just be bothering strangers who have far more important things than you on their mind?

Usually at the Graveside people will approach the family to offer their condolences.
At my dd's funeral, most people didn't come over to me(thankfully) I felt very detached from the whole experience and all I could see was a sea of faces looking as we walked out the chapel. I didn't go to the wake I left my family to deal with people there.
At my mum's funeral 2 years after losing dd I didn't look at anyone because I knew if anyone was nice to me I would cry and wouldn't be able to stop.
It depends on the circumstances if I approach the family at a funeral.

My Dad dies during lockdown and we had to have a very small funeral. In normal times it would have been very well attended. To be honest I was really glad I didn’t have to make small talk with a lot of people I didn’t know so it’s just different for everyone I guess.

They came for your relative which is the important thing.

You say they didn’t know you
Also maybe not wanting to overwhelm you
Maybe also only just got some time off work and we’re expected back
The fact they took the time to be there should count for something surely

Grief is a hideously unreasonable emotion.

I recall thinking about people I just didn't like much, "if your death would bring them back I'd shoot you in the head without a second thought".

So YANBU, the grief is BU. The other people attending the funeral are also bereaved, and dealing with it in their own way, or they're perhaps only attending for other reasons - I honestly loathe funerals where I have no connection to the deceased, and would assume that I would provoke similar "I'd shoot you right in the face" type feelings in those grieving, to be honest.

Well by the same token, you could have said "Hi, thanks for coming. How did you know my (insert relative)?"

There could be a Mumsnet thread saying "AIBU to think if you attend a smallish funeral, the family should at least acknowledge you?"

I don't think it's a right or wrong question. There are too many variables.

I can completely understand why mourners unknown to you would not approach the family after the service but I can also understand why they might choose to do so.

Equally I can imagine the family members might want or not want interaction with strangers at the particular moment.

There is no prescribed course of action that would cover all the different possibilities.

At funerals, I generally would only speak to people I know. If there's close family I hadn't met I wouldn't want to intrude upon their grief. But I am Irish and we actually do all line up and shake the hands of the bereaved family at the removal before the funeral and say sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss OP.

We are grieve differently and there are different norms in different religions and cultures. I would NEVER text my condolences to someone after the funeral. That in itself is so weird! Would these people even have your number to do so? I'd give a card/flowers etc but never a text!!!

Maybe they didn't recognise you, couldn't recall you name, didn't want to intrude on close family? Unless I was very close to the family, I too wouldnt form a massive queue to just say condolences. IF there was a wake, mingling outside etc, then I might find a quiet time to speak to the family, but wouldn't make a B line towards them just the sake of it.

Was there a book of condolences? If I don’t know the family I would usually just sign the book so they can understand why I was there.

Tricky. I have always gone to offer my condolences to the family but it wouldn’t bother me too much if someone didn’t. They are there to pay their respects to the deceased and they may be grieving too. Their presence is what matters.

That being said, if they attend the wake as well as the service it would be good manners to speak with the host, grief or not.

I'm of the belief funerals aren't for the dead but for those living left behind. People attend funerals for different reasons. I also want to echo what other posters have said, I didn't want anyone to talk to me really and would have especially avoided strangers. Fortunately I had other people there prepared to do the small talk while I could do what I needed to do to get through the day.

There's no right or wrong here.

Funerals are a weird, complicated business and grief is a cruel mistress.

Speaking from bitter experience, our brains do strange things, and latch on to irrelevant moments, in order to protect ourselves from dealing with bigger issues/trauma.

Focusing on this funeral etiquette issue is your brain's way of distracting you from the original trauma of the death of your loved one. These confusing, strange thoughts will pass. Just... let them go.

I don't think that there is an ettiquette nowadays and god forbid there should be a receiving line. When my Dad died in 1979, there seemed to be a definite ettiquette that you did not intrude on the grief of the widow. One of my sibs stayed with our mother and the other people attending (neighbours and work colleagues of my Dad) spoke to me and my other sibs if they spoke to anybody.
I wouldn't find it surprising or hurtful if folk who didn't know you personally felt that they couldn't intrude.

I was grateful I could pretty much hide in a corner at my father's funeral. Everyone is different. I wouldn't approach the family if I didn't know them well.

Sadly I've attending a few funerals in recent years, mainly for people I've known socially, such as in a pub. I wouldn't know who was part of the family and certainly wouldn't go round introducing myself to everyone.

I think it's one of those situations where you have to 'read the room', if lots of people are mingling and moving around you join in, but if there's an obviously upset group keeping to themselves you stay away out of respect.