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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you attend a funeral you acknowledge the family afterwards?

45 replies

Fuuuuuckit · 12/03/2022 08:13

Now I'm not saying that our relative had a secret life we didn't know about (she categorically did not), but there were quite a few people at the funeral who didn't say anything at all to me or my sibling either before or afterwards.

At least 2 I knew of (childhood friends of the family) but had never met, were joking with others but didn't acknowledge us as closest relatives. At least 2 more disappeared straight after we came out of the crematorium. I'm sure there were more folk inside than I spoke to outside but in the hubbub just slinked away.

I do admit to doing the same once, recently at a friend's husband's funeral, but there were maybe 100 plus people there lined up to pay condolences, and I messaged later to apologise for not loitering but having been grateful to have been able to pay my respects.

AIBU to think that in a smallish funeral, you at least pause to say a word or two to the bereaved, even if it's by text later?

OP posts:

Calandor · 12/03/2022 11:23

Not really. People go to funerals to grieve no matter how that looks. Yes, hopefully they speak to and comfort the family, but they do not have to. It's about the dead. Not about the living.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/03/2022 11:28

They either don’t know who you are or assume you don’t want to be bothered by a stranger offering condolences

MargaretThursday · 12/03/2022 11:28

I've slipped in the back at a few funerals where I know the person who died, but not the family. I wouldn't approach the family first, but would be happy to talk to them if they wanted. Normally they have enough people around that want to talk to them without the stress of speaking to a stranger.
If I can I leave a little card with a nice memory in. I hope it's taken in the spirit in which I give it.

Hesma · 12/03/2022 11:32

If it’s your parent then YANBU anyone other than that YABU, they came to pay respects to the deceased and have done that

Pyewhacket · 12/03/2022 12:50

Depends. I've been to funerals of friends and colleagues where the family wouldn't have known me from Adam. In those circumstances I prefer to keep myself to myself and allow the family the space and privacy to grieve in peace.

DespairingHomeowner · 12/03/2022 13:20

Agree with @LosingTheWill2022 and @MarmiteCoriander : there are no real rights and wrongs

Most of us just don’t really know what the etiquette is, are worried about intruding, also there are cultural differences and many people have not been to a lot of funerals to know what is best

Generally I think the family know who was there, I’d err on not overwhelming them myself as it’s such a difficult day and family are v much ‘on display’

ddl1 · 12/03/2022 16:01

People differ in their reactions to a bereavement. I would find condolences from strangers very upsetting,

NoSquirrels · 12/03/2022 16:05

@zingally

There's no right or wrong here.

Funerals are a weird, complicated business and grief is a cruel mistress.

Speaking from bitter experience, our brains do strange things, and latch on to irrelevant moments, in order to protect ourselves from dealing with bigger issues/trauma.

Focusing on this funeral etiquette issue is your brain's way of distracting you from the original trauma of the death of your loved one. These confusing, strange thoughts will pass. Just... let them go.

100% agree with this.

A PP said YANBU, the grief is BU and they’re right.

This is why funeral directors arrange a book of condolence to be signed by attendees. But everyone will want to be spoken to; not everyone will feel able to speak. No one will know which type is which.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

ThatsNotItAtAll · 12/03/2022 16:24

Funeral etiquette, such as it is, varies enormously by geographical area, religious denomination or not having a religious affiliation, age, family tradition... and almost everyone seems to have a blind spot to the huge variety and be completely sure their family traditions are universal (at least unless the funeral is of someone from a very very obviously different culture with a different native language and completely different religion).

It's a very strange area where trying to be considerate can appear to be the height of rude insensitivity...No matter what someone does it could be misinterpreted as rude or pushy or insensitive or whatever.

Grief obviously also makes people sensitive to or fixated upon things they wouldn't usually bother about of course. I've really noticed that some people get hung up on a kind of hierarchy of grief and become very defensive of their position of "closest" to the deceased or "chief" mourner, and that sometimes even one child of the deceased will set themselves above their siblings, or the sibling of the deceased will set themselves above the spouse or even children as most bereaved. In reality there's no externally verifiable hierarchy of who is most bereaved, the "chief mourner" or whatever in many situations. People might be deeply impacted by a death for reasons even family members might not be aware of, and it doesn't always follow (outside of immediate household) that relatives (especially aunts, uncles, cousins etc) are "more" upset or closer than friends.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2022 16:28

@zingally

There's no right or wrong here.

Funerals are a weird, complicated business and grief is a cruel mistress.

Speaking from bitter experience, our brains do strange things, and latch on to irrelevant moments, in order to protect ourselves from dealing with bigger issues/trauma.

This. I'm so sorry for your loss.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/03/2022 16:32

People want to pay their respect and don't want to intrude

This sums it up.

bloodywhitecat · 12/03/2022 16:33

I have no idea around funeral etiquette but I am hoping to avoid this at DH's funeral, there will be people there that I won't know and I don't want them to feel they have to come up and introduce themselves to us.

Phormiumjester · 12/03/2022 16:36

I don't think non-grieving you would be upset that people came to your relative's funeral. They showed up. They gave up time presumably because they cared. It's nice to know people care. You're grieving and your grief is angry.

I don't always hang around, especially if I don't know the family. It feels a bit intrusive on such a hard day. Normal things you do to make small talk are inappropriate so it's a nod & smile.

girlmom21 · 12/03/2022 16:40

How are people supposed to get your number to text you if you don't even know who they are?

I go to funerals to pay my respects.
I don't need to discuss that with people I don't know if I don't want to.

Sorry for your loss OP but I think YABU. I kind of get it if they attend the wake but definitely not at the service itself.

AllOfUsAreDead · 12/03/2022 16:43

I've never noticed before at funerals for relatives on who stayed and who left.

One of the last funerals I went to I honestly was in shock at it because it was a suicide and a young person. They weren't a relative and I don't even know what I said to their relatives as we went past them, thankfully my dad was more coherent than I was and made up for it. We would usually hang around to support the family and have in the past, just couldn't then.

lapasion · 12/03/2022 16:44

If they know the deceased but not the family, they may just feel awkward about approaching you. Nobody wants to feel like they’re intruding or potentially say the wrong thing, especially at funerals where the deceased was young or the death has been a big shock.

Or it could be funeral crashers I suppose.

freshcarnation · 12/03/2022 16:46

Glad I've just arranged my mum's direct cremation having read this

LarryUnderwood · 12/03/2022 16:47

I'd only expect them to approach people they knew really. They go to pay their respect to the deceased, not necessarily the family. My dad's recent funeral was large and there were loads of people I didnt speak to because I was busy with my closer relatives and friends.

Scianel · 12/03/2022 16:53

I would personally pay my respects to the principle mourners at any funeral I attend. Here (Scotland) always seems to have the line-up as you leave the church/crematorium anyway.

I find a lot of England (just from reading on MN) very weird about funerals though. It doesn't seem to be a thing to attend for the sake of the living. I've been to several where I've never met the deceased as I was close to eg their children.

Erictheavocado · 12/03/2022 17:08

Personally, I would want to say sonethingvto the bereaved but I don't have an issue with those who choose not to. DH is due to attend a funeral in the next couple of weeks. It is someone he worked with for a number of years a while back. I know he would not choose to make himself known, not out of any disrespect but because he is just not that sort of person. He finds it difficult to talk to people he doesn't know once he knows you you can't shut him up and would hate to offend anyone with his awkwardness.
And as someone said, maybe they didn't know who you were.

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