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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I am a terrible friend

37 replies

user7818181 · 11/03/2022 06:51

For the past few months I have been arranging a weekend away with three friends, this will be the first time we have all met up since before the pandemic.
One friend hasn’t shown much interest in the meet up and told me yesterday she won’t be coming. I felt a bit annoyed as I had put a lot of effort into arranging it and told her this.
She texted me to apologise for the short notice and the reason she couldn’t come was because it falls on the anniversary of when she was diagnosed with cancer. She explained that she thought that going away would be a good distraction but now that it is closer she doesn’t think it will be.
I feel like such a terrible person for been annoyed at her for not coming

OP posts:

Pyri · 11/03/2022 06:52

Did you share your annoyance with her?

Garfieldismyspiritanimal · 11/03/2022 06:54

You are not a terrible friend

Most people wouldn’t make a big deal of such an ‘anniversary’

Trudij123 · 11/03/2022 06:55

Of course you’re not - you’re not a mind reader. Apologise, understand and move on. ( the first two I’m sure you’ve already done!) if you are able to swap for a different weekend so she could still go that would be lovely, but I’m sure she understands you wouldn’t necessarily be able to do that.

Lulu1919 · 11/03/2022 06:55

Don't overthink
She could have told you the date was sensitive to her when it was first mentioned ....so don't feel too bad ..
Just tell her you will miss her and you didn't release this date was THE date and if you had you would have planned a different one .

Shoxfordian · 11/03/2022 06:58

She could have told you when you were sorting it out; don’t feel bad

Chocomelon · 11/03/2022 06:59

If you were a terrible person you wouldn't be thinking about it now

Angrymum22 · 11/03/2022 07:02

There are two types of cancer survivors, those who choose life ( nothing to do with surviving) and those who can’t help reminding everyone on a regular basis.
I’ve recently finished treatment for breast cancer, I couldn’t tell you the date I was diagnosed without checking my calendar and I certainly won’t be spending time reflecting when I do reach. I’ll be busy out there living.
You are not expected to remember everyone’s significant dates.
Don’t beat yourself up.
I would be a bit 🙄 if any of my friends pointed out the anniversary of my diagnosis or even remembered it.

daisychain01 · 11/03/2022 07:07

So instead of going away with lovely friends and having an enjoyable time, she'd rather sit at home fixating on a date....I'd be questioning her ability to be a good friend, not your own!

WimpoleHat · 11/03/2022 07:08

It’s not a date you would be expected to remember; she would likely not have told you about her diagnosis on the exact date, nor told you when it was. Different, say, to her wedding anniversary if you’d been her bridesmaid, or her birthday. No one has been terrible here. I’d ask her if she’d still like to come on an alternative date?

Original poster

user7818181 · 11/03/2022 07:15

@Angrymum22

There are two types of cancer survivors, those who choose life ( nothing to do with surviving) and those who can’t help reminding everyone on a regular basis. I’ve recently finished treatment for breast cancer, I couldn’t tell you the date I was diagnosed without checking my calendar and I certainly won’t be spending time reflecting when I do reach. I’ll be busy out there living. You are not expected to remember everyone’s significant dates. Don’t beat yourself up. I would be a bit 🙄 if any of my friends pointed out the anniversary of my diagnosis or even remembered it.

@Angrymum22 She was diagnosed at the start of the pandemic so I think the date stays with her because of that. She doesn’t remind everyone on a regular basis she very rarely talks about her diagnosis or treatment. Most people don’t know she had cancer. But I will stop beating myself up and feeling bad 😊

OP posts:

SapphosRock · 11/03/2022 07:35

That's odd. A weekend away with friends would be a great way to celebrate how much better things are now.

Sounds like she's making an excuse - she might have social anxiety after fighting cancer through the pandemic.

LizzieSiddal · 11/03/2022 07:40

You’re not a bad friend at all but I don’t think many of the reply’s here are very nice. It’s only two years since she was diagnosed, so that day may still be very raw for her. And nobody here knows what she was told on that day/how she reacted/ how her nearest and dearest reacted, maybe she had to tell her children (if she’s got any) and they’ve been deeply affected by it. Who knows?! But to say she can’t be upset on the anniversary of her diagnosis is awful.

coloradoqueen · 11/03/2022 07:45

You'd think she would want to celebrate surviving, not sit at home moping. Did you say as much? I would've said "all the more reason for you to come, we are all so happy to have you here!"

Libertybear80 · 11/03/2022 07:52

You sound like a really good friend. You've defended her on here 😁

TheMooch · 11/03/2022 07:53

How she feels about her diagnosis shouldn't be judged by others. We might not react like that but our 'journey' isn't the same. Things like waiting up for check-up appts might be triggering for your friend.

Don't feel bad, you didn't know.

I am someone who is rubbish at dates but I do remember the date I was diagnosed. Last year was the 1st anniversary...I did think back to being in the room, driving home, sitting in my car telling my DP because I didn't want the children to hear. It wouldn't stop me going away for a weekend but we all react differently and that should be respected.

Ikeptgoing · 11/03/2022 07:54

@Lulu1919

Don't overthink She could have told you the date was sensitive to her when it was first mentioned ....so don't feel too bad .. Just tell her you will miss her and you didn't release this date was THE date and if you had you would have planned a different one .

This ^^

You sound like a lovely friend OP

pinkstripeycat · 11/03/2022 07:56

^^Garfieldismyspiritanimal

You are not a terrible friend

Most people wouldn’t make a big deal of such an ‘anniversary’

I agree. My sister celebrates the day she was given the all clear. She’s rather forget the day she was diagnosed and would always find a distraction by spending time with friends and family

UnsuitableHat · 11/03/2022 07:57

I think you're being hard on yourself here - it's difficult to coordinate a group meet up and frustrating when someone is non-committal. I think if it was me, and I'd shown her that I was annoyed, I'd apologise, then check in to say you're thinking of her on the day.

Canhearthemice · 11/03/2022 08:00

How strange to fixate on that. I totally understand the trauma of Cancer but to not have a nice weekend away because of a date of diagnosis makes no sense. It sounds like a convenient excuse. Surely going away would be a great excuse to celebrate survival.

RedRec · 11/03/2022 08:06

Think she just doesn't want to go, OP.

Clymene · 11/03/2022 08:10

She should have told you at the outset. Not dragged her heels and pulled out at the last minute.

girlmom21 · 11/03/2022 08:15

This is a really strange reason not to go, especially if she's since recovered.

Mercurial123 · 11/03/2022 08:19

YANBU. However, posters saying your friend is unreasonable to feel how she does are unreasonable. Everyone's experience is different. I'm 13 years cancer free, I know the date I was diagnosed. Not sure how anyone could forget a life changing diagnosis. There's no right or wrong way to react. We're all different.

Flatandhappy · 11/03/2022 08:30

Slightly ironic timing for me as it just made me remember that tomorrow is my three year anniversary of diagnosis. You are definitely not a bad friend, I wouldn’t expect anyone but myself (including family) to remember the date. If it were a factor for her in deciding whether or not to go she should have told you so you were aware she might back out but tbh anniversaries of things like that can be super weird and sometimes you feel different to how you thought you would. Personally I’m just glad to be alive!

WomanStanleyWoman · 11/03/2022 08:34

It was a genuine mistake. Well, not even a ‘mistake’ really; more of an unfortunate coincidence. You clearly didn’t mean to upset her and you are NOT a terrible friend.

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