To think I am a terrible friend

[user7818181]

For the past few months I have been arranging a weekend away with three friends, this will be the first time we have all met up since before the pandemic.
One friend hasn’t shown much interest in the meet up and told me yesterday she won’t be coming. I felt a bit annoyed as I had put a lot of effort into arranging it and told her this.
She texted me to apologise for the short notice and the reason she couldn’t come was because it falls on the anniversary of when she was diagnosed with cancer. She explained that she thought that going away would be a good distraction but now that it is closer she doesn’t think it will be.
I feel like such a terrible person for been annoyed at her for not coming

Sad to see people judging her for remembering the date or feeling strange around it. Diagnoses affect different people differently and for some it is really upsetting, especially when they had treatment during a pandemic which meant not having usual support systems and the extra worry about staying well for their treatment and not catching COVID.

I’m a doctor and see all sorts of reactions to diagnoses and treatments and nothing surprises me. Your friend is doing what she thinks is right for her and that is important. Cancer affects different people differently and the sense of loss and worry can be overwhelming even when treatment has finished for some people!

@countbackfromten

Sad to see people judging her for remembering the date or feeling strange around it. Diagnoses affect different people differently and for some it is really upsetting, especially when they had treatment during a pandemic which meant not having usual support systems and the extra worry about staying well for their treatment and not catching COVID.

I’m a doctor and see all sorts of reactions to diagnoses and treatments and nothing surprises me. Your friend is doing what she thinks is right for her and that is important. Cancer affects different people differently and the sense of loss and worry can be overwhelming even when treatment has finished for some people!

@countbackfromten

As a doctor do you see a lot of patients who struggle with their diagnosis years on? I am 2 years in May and I still find it hard to come to terms with when i was diagnosed, I can't talk about it because I find it difficult to talk about that time in my life.
I was lucky that I had a cancer that was fairly easy to treat no chemo or radiation needed but I just can't seem to 'get over it'.

Give her understanding of course, we're all different and cope with things variously, but you haven't done anything wrong. This is clearly a date of significance to her and hopefully time will ease her bad memories.

As she’s recovered now, it is rude to let someone plan something for months and than bail.

Don’t feel guilty, and don’t organise things for her again.

@phishy

As she’s recovered now, it is rude to let someone plan something for months and than bail.

Don’t feel guilty, and don’t organise things for her again.

I totally disagree with this. For people who are fortunate not to have experienced a cancer diagnosis please remember the memory/feelings don't fade after treatment.

Don't feel bad, she could have told you at the beginning.
There was no need for drama.

Move on.

Sounds like it's all worked out, she has explained and you have accepted that. If you're good friends, and it sounds as though you are, you'll get past this just fine.

All this judgement around what other people are allowed to feel or how they can react is ludicrous. When someone tells you how they feel, listen. It's their call, not yours.

@billy1966

Don't feel bad, she could have told you at the beginning. There was no need for drama.

Move on.

OP already explained that the friend only realised late in the day how the anniversary felt.

I wouldn’t worry about it

I have no idea why she is thinking about the anniversary, you would have thought she would be celebrating another year free and this would be a good way but each to their own

"She texted me to apologise for the short notice and the reason she couldn’t come was because it falls on the anniversary of when she was diagnosed with cancer. She explained that she thought that going away would be a good distraction but now that it is closer she doesn’t think it will be."

Still no need for drama.
Certainly no need for the OP to feel she is a bad friend.

@followtheyellowbrickroad00 I feel the same as you. I find it very sad that people aren't more understanding that even when you've recovered from cancer you can still struggle from the trauma and emotions, let alone long term physical effects of it. I remember the date I was diagnosed and I am coming up to the one year anniversary of it. I suspect I will feel emotional on the day and remember how awful it was to have to call my DH amd my parents to tell them that I had cancer. And then to tell my DC when they got home from school.

I think in the OP's case she's not unreasonable as the friend should have explained. I just think it's really sad that a lot of posters don't seem to have much compassion for cancer survivors and think they should just move on.

You're in no way a terrible friend since you didn't know, had no way of knowing, and have been understanding since she told you her reasonings.

To other people on this thread who are judging OP's friend for her reaction to her diagnosis anniversary - YABU and OP's friend is lucky to have OP on her side instead of you lot. How this cancer survivor feels about or deals with significant dates and/or potential triggers is absolutely none of your business, a cancer diagnosis hugely traumatic and personal thing to go through, there are no rights or wrongs about how you feel or what you want to do, and no one has any right to judge her for it or tell her is she is wrong.