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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm ruining everything.

35 replies

Thinkrr999 · 10/03/2022 23:13

Long story short. I was in an abusive relationship. It pretty much destroyed me. I have PTSD. On top of OCD and anxiety that was already there. Had a call from social worker today about ex trying to get contact with son and had to hold it together at work all day as he's edging closer to our lives again. Then I sent my manager a text that in hindsight was so inappropriate and awful. Basically about internal job I had seen advertised and I was going to apply. She's not responded and I don't blame her. Why the hell did I send that and not talk to her face to face? I just get an urge to say what I'm thinking and worrying about and it comes out in irrational and impulsive messages. No excuse. I'm an idiot. Then I was followed home by a complete stranger in a car and it was so, so scary. I was walking. He was driving next to me. So text my boss to let her know I might not be in tomorrow which she read and didn't respond to. I never used to be like this. I used to be composed and normal. Now I feel like a freak who can't control her impulses and acts irrationally. I've had so much trauma in my life and I feel like it's broken me and I don't know how to communicate with work how bad my mental health is because I'm so worried they will just see me as a burden. And I know they will. I just feel unwell. And I don't know what to do. I never used to be like this. I just want to be normal again. I'm so scared to go to work tomorrow. My confidence is gone. Why am I like this?

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Original poster
Thinkrr999 · 10/03/2022 23:15

Please talk to me because I feel like I'm having a meltdown and don't know what to do anymore

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LightSpeeds · 10/03/2022 23:15

Thinking very much of you... 🌺

Original poster
Thinkrr999 · 10/03/2022 23:18

I'm developing a real hatred for myself

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unnumber · 10/03/2022 23:20

I'm glad you got home safe. It sounds as if your relationship with your boss is really important to you. I've experience of being in a position a bit like yours, and hers, and I'd say take a little sick leave if needed - it can be easier than working sub par. You've a long working life ahead of you. Try not to overthink immediate problems. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Thinkrr999 · 10/03/2022 23:21

@unnumber

I'm glad you got home safe. It sounds as if your relationship with your boss is really important to you. I've experience of being in a position a bit like yours, and hers, and I'd say take a little sick leave if needed - it can be easier than working sub par. You've a long working life ahead of you. Try not to overthink immediate problems. Good luck Flowers
I'm ruminating and obsessive over it. I just feel so sick.
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LightSpeeds · 10/03/2022 23:21

You're in the midst of a crisis by the sounds of things. Do you have any support / anyone you can talk things over with?

Original poster
Thinkrr999 · 10/03/2022 23:23

@LightSpeeds

You're in the midst of a crisis by the sounds of things. Do you have any support / anyone you can talk things over with?
Not really. My parents are useless with this kind of stuff. I lost a lot of my friends when I was with my ex and have none I would talk to about this kind of stuff. I just feel totally helpless.
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MaintainTheMolehill · 10/03/2022 23:23

Honestly? I think you should take some time off work and see your GP for some help. Phone your manager tomorrow and explain how you're feeling, you can't just ignore mental illness and you need time to get better Flowers

DropYourSword · 10/03/2022 23:23

I would send another message to your boss apologising for the text you sent, explaining you weren't in a good emotional place when you sent it, and on reflection you realise it was entirely inappropriate/unjustified etc.
Sounds like you've had an awful day. Glad you're home safe.

Original poster
Thinkrr999 · 10/03/2022 23:24

I've had CBT. I've tried medication. I've had counselling. I've had time off work. I'm just broken.

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Original poster
Thinkrr999 · 10/03/2022 23:24

I can't stop crying and shaking

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unnumber · 10/03/2022 23:25

Your behaviour with your boss is fine, by the way. Perfectly within normal range of behaviour. You are just feeling hypersensitive to her reactions, I think? Because your self-esteem is low? But try not to project that onto her. People like you who care for your children and think about others' feelings and reactions are good team mates. You're going through a rough patch. We all do. Don't hate yourself. You just sound worn out right now.

onemorerose · 10/03/2022 23:27

A lot of workplaces are very focussed on mental health now, it’s definitely worthwhile contacting someone in work that has training and can give you advice and if you don’t have that I’d be approaching my doctor. You are clearly not in a good place right now and need support. Do you have people that will support you?

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 10/03/2022 23:29

Can you play a podcast, either something really detailed you need to concentrate on, or something very light like a Calm sleep story? I think right now you need to try and settle yourself a bit. Have you got a drink- not alcohol!- but squash or something…. Sip it slowly. Concentrate on the drink.

What coping mechanisms did you learn in your therapy or have you learnt through experience before? Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Right now you need to bring your focus to this moment, where you are safe in your home and need to try for some peace.

onemorerose · 10/03/2022 23:30

Sorry I’ve just seen your previous post about being on medication etc so clearly you’ve been to the doctor. Are you going to go back?

Original poster
Thinkrr999 · 10/03/2022 23:31

@onemorerose

Sorry I’ve just seen your previous post about being on medication etc so clearly you’ve been to the doctor. Are you going to go back?
I've been back so many times. I don't see how I'm going to ever feel slightly Normal again. I never used to be like this. I'm only 35 and I feel like I'm going to feel this way forever. It's been close to 3 years of this.
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unnumber · 10/03/2022 23:31

Well tonight must have been terrifying. Your reaction isn't wrong. Do you feel safe now?

It sounds as if you were planning for the future earlier today, so not all bad. Of course being followed would shake you up. You won't feel like this all your life. You were feeling better earlier today.

Managers aren't saints and their behaviour isn't personal a lot of the time. If you were managing someone in your position, how would you feel about them? Wouldn't you want to look after them?

Original poster
Thinkrr999 · 10/03/2022 23:35

@unnumber

Well tonight must have been terrifying. Your reaction isn't wrong. Do you feel safe now?

It sounds as if you were planning for the future earlier today, so not all bad. Of course being followed would shake you up. You won't feel like this all your life. You were feeling better earlier today.

Managers aren't saints and their behaviour isn't personal a lot of the time. If you were managing someone in your position, how would you feel about them? Wouldn't you want to look after them?

I would but equally I have so much work to do I would be leaving my team in the shit if I went off sick. She wouldn't be happy.
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LightSpeeds · 10/03/2022 23:35

Try not to worry about work for now. You can explain that to them later.

I've been there with work and so have so many of my colleagues when they're struggling. Yeah, today and next week it feels like it matters but in the long run it doesn't.

What's most important is you right now. Can you phone the Samaritans if it would help to talk to someone?

Get yourself wrapped up safe and warm - and maybe take the day off tomorrow so you can start making some plans to find support and think about what you need.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 10/03/2022 23:36

No one is broken Thinkrr999. Not permanently anyway.

You've had a really tough time in recent years and the call from your social worker has triggered you. That's VERY normal. Your abusive ex wants visitation/custody with your beloved son. It's BOUND to make you feel unsettled/frightened/out of control.

  1. I doubt your boss is thinking about this as much as you are. I know it seems like a massive deal from your perspective, but from theirs I highly doubt it. My partner manages many people, a few have had mental health issues and have displayed behaviour because of it. One employee used to send him very bizarre emails at night, making zero sense. My partner wouldn't reply as he was advised not to. But he didn't judge the guy, in fact, he's protected his job multiple times. We did have a little chuckle at a few strange emails and some serious chats about how to handle others. But in no way did it affect how my partner viewed him professionally.

  2. you are a mum. You owe it to your son not to let yourself fall down this rabbit hole of negative thinking. Seek support NOW from your GP. Even if it just takes the edge off. Your son needs you.

  3. give yourself a break. We all fuck up at work and socially sometimes. I know I have. No one is perfect, no one does the "right" thing all the time. Especially when they've had a hard time like you have.

Breathe. Gain perspective. Get help.

You owe it to yourself to get back on track ❤️💐

Original poster
Thinkrr999 · 10/03/2022 23:37

I'm also a lone parent and have had so many issues with childcare due to covid and have been forced to have time off because of that and I just feel like the weak link in my team.

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unnumber · 10/03/2022 23:43

You couldn't help the covid childcare issues. And you don't know other people's weaknesses and crises and insecurities but I bet there are more than you think. You're human, not a link or a cog in a machine. You have value outside work. They'll cope. You don't have to give more than you can to everyone. You've got out of an abusive relationship and you've got home safe. Keep looking after yourself. You've done nothing wrong.

Magzie23 · 10/03/2022 23:44

Hi darling, once i told my boss and colleges what I was going through I recieved a ton of support, one of my colleges actually went through exactly the same thing as me in the past and helped me get home while abusive ex was waiting for me outside my work. So defenetally tell your boss whats on your mind in person or over text so she doesnt get the wrong idea and could actually help you! You won't be a burden, its also your bosse's job to take care of you.
Once you start talking about your worries and actions you'll be able to controll yourself a bit more and won't panic as much because you won't be on your own. Its not easy, i know as I have extreme social anxiety, my boss only found out about my situation because my ex sent my assistant manager racist texts, then called my workplace .-.

But I have felt much safer since.
All the best

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 10/03/2022 23:49

I would be completely honest with your boss, that's respectful and explains a lot. You are worried about you & your sons safety, the situation has triggered mental health issues, apologies for the random texts and could you talk. Can you speak to occupational health at work, your boss might need to raise it with them. They can be really helpful. Work needs to move into supportive mode, mental health issues are a disability and work has a duty of care. I have heard EMDR therapy is very effective for PTSD. You have to get through this for your son, so don't give up keep trying and dont let the bastard win.

Original poster
Thinkrr999 · 10/03/2022 23:51

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I would be completely honest with your boss, that's respectful and explains a lot. You are worried about you & your sons safety, the situation has triggered mental health issues, apologies for the random texts and could you talk. Can you speak to occupational health at work, your boss might need to raise it with them. They can be really helpful. Work needs to move into supportive mode, mental health issues are a disability and work has a duty of care. I have heard EMDR therapy is very effective for PTSD. You have to get through this for your son, so don't give up keep trying and dont let the bastard win.
I want emdr but can't get it where I live. Its too expensive private. Its like a brick wall everywhere I turn.
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