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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm ruining everything.

35 replies

Thinkrr999 · 10/03/2022 23:13

Long story short. I was in an abusive relationship. It pretty much destroyed me. I have PTSD. On top of OCD and anxiety that was already there. Had a call from social worker today about ex trying to get contact with son and had to hold it together at work all day as he's edging closer to our lives again. Then I sent my manager a text that in hindsight was so inappropriate and awful. Basically about internal job I had seen advertised and I was going to apply. She's not responded and I don't blame her. Why the hell did I send that and not talk to her face to face? I just get an urge to say what I'm thinking and worrying about and it comes out in irrational and impulsive messages. No excuse. I'm an idiot. Then I was followed home by a complete stranger in a car and it was so, so scary. I was walking. He was driving next to me. So text my boss to let her know I might not be in tomorrow which she read and didn't respond to. I never used to be like this. I used to be composed and normal. Now I feel like a freak who can't control her impulses and acts irrationally. I've had so much trauma in my life and I feel like it's broken me and I don't know how to communicate with work how bad my mental health is because I'm so worried they will just see me as a burden. And I know they will. I just feel unwell. And I don't know what to do. I never used to be like this. I just want to be normal again. I'm so scared to go to work tomorrow. My confidence is gone. Why am I like this?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 11/03/2022 00:07

You are having an incredibly rough time.

What you have to do is reframe your thinking so this isn’t about you having a long history of screwing up - because that just isn’t true, you are just responding to a series of crises.

Tomorrow morning ring HR and explain briefly that you are having a rough time - have the main things bulleted and follow up with an email. It sounds like you need to take tomorrow off for sure and perhaps a few days more.

Then call the GP. You need some help to manage all this. They might need to adjust your meds, and you absolutely need to go back to counselling. Did you find CBT useful for reframing your negative thinking? - it’s worth another go.

Your work should also be able to provide you with support.

Stop worrying about your boss. She is probably aware something is wrong and she may be a bit bemused but she won’t be worrying about it the way you are. When you are a manager you are well aware your team can go through rough times.

As a PP said you owe it to your children to work on controlling your negative thinking patterns. It’s hard but you’ve done incredibly well to get this far. Keep at it.

Thinkrr999 · 11/03/2022 06:59

She's not happy and replied this morning with a short message and no kiss which unusual for her. I'm now a bundle of anxiety.

OP posts:
Thinkrr999 · 11/03/2022 07:17

Oh god I'm the only one in the office today its going to be a long weekend of anxiety

OP posts:
Thinkrr999 · 11/03/2022 07:27

Why am I like this?! 😭

OP posts:
Dazzylazzy · 11/03/2022 07:39

Try not to over think your bosses reaction. If one of my team had text at night I might not have replied either. I put my phone down once I get home and then only answer if it’s personal and even then not all the time. Also a kiss on a text or lack of means nothing. It’s probably more weird you boss sends kisses! It’s also fairly early she most likely just sent a quick reply. Tone is almost impossible to read from a text.

Thinkrr999 · 11/03/2022 07:41

@Dazzylazzy

Try not to over think your bosses reaction. If one of my team had text at night I might not have replied either. I put my phone down once I get home and then only answer if it’s personal and even then not all the time. Also a kiss on a text or lack of means nothing. It’s probably more weird you boss sends kisses! It’s also fairly early she most likely just sent a quick reply. Tone is almost impossible to read from a text.
I feel like I can just tell that she's pissed off.
OP posts:
MaggieMagpie1 · 11/03/2022 07:57

I'm saying this gently but you honestly don't know that she's pissed off. That's what your anxiety is making you think but it's not true. It's trying to trick you into feeling worse.

If she would usually send a kiss on a text then that would suggest you get on well. I'm sure if you explain what's been going on then you can get some support.

Calmdown14 · 11/03/2022 08:30

Can you ask her for a quick word? Or if you can't say it in person send an email.

Keep if brief. An 'im sorry, I know my behaviour has been odd.
I am experiencing some difficulties which are triggering PTSD from a previous incident.
Please know I am very much commited to my work and appreciate your support'

Getting it in writing that you have notified her would be a good thing

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/03/2022 09:33

OP.

First, sending you empathy. What an awful situation to be in.

Second, if you are unfit to work then you cannot work. You MUST take sick leave, and explain to your boss precisely why. I reached a crisis point like this when I was suffering severe short-term memory loss. I forgot to turn up to a lecture (that I was delivering). That's unheard of for me. I'd be talking to someone and I'd forget what I was saying mid-sentence. I spent half my life searching for misplaced items: the memory loss was causing me to lose practically everything. I thought I was losing my mind, or starting early-onset dementia, and I was so frightening. I also (probably rightly) assumed that if this went on there would be serious questions raised about my professional competence.

I've been carrying this condition around with me almost all my life, but it was only when I became very sick like this that I realised someone was seriously wrong with me and this led me to receive the diagnosis. The cause? A trigger (sexual harrassment in my workplace).

The diagnosis was like a lifebelt for me. PTSD IS eminently treatable.

Recovery did require a fairly protracted sick-leave. But EMDR therapy was the real game-changer. It's completely changed the way I interact with people and enabled a clarity of vision. It can't remove the trauma from your life, but it can strip away the emotion and enable a real objectivity. CBT is the NHS's go-to, however, so you need to know it's available and actively request it. You also need a good therapist.

I sympathise, OP. I was where you are now, albeit the symptoms manifested differently. It's truly awful. The good news is that you can recover. I'm living proof. For the first time in my life I feel free from something I didn't even know was affecting and constraining me in the first place.

Wishing you hope, health and happiness.

LightSpeeds · 11/03/2022 22:46

How did your day go?

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