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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to seek thoughts on what to put in my will in these circumstances?

54 replies

largeprintagathachristie · 10/03/2022 19:07

I have an appointment to get my will sorted and I'm really a bit stuck. The circumstances are:

I have no children of my own
Not married
I'm in a reasonably new relationship with DP,. Together for four years, living together for two years. Well, not a new relationship, but not longstanding, if you know what I mean. Separate finances.

He has three teenage DC.

I have two much older siblings. Not really close to either due to circumstances I won't go into here and long-term geographical distance. Both are married and financially comfortable and likely to inherit substantially from their in-laws. If I went down the sibling route I'd like to give to one but not the other, which just seems inflammatory. But the thought of my racist SIL inheriting from me is really hard!

I have numerous nephews and nieces, some of whom are now having children of their own. The nephews and nieces don't really know me well, due to geographical distance.

There's something that's holding me back from naming DP outright which I'm struggling to articulate. Statistically he's not likely to outlive me, but if he did, not for long. Which would mean the money going to his children (and kind of to their Mum, who has been foul to me. No, I'm not the other woman.)

Step DC are lovely. They will inherit substantially from a grandparent.

DP and I broke up for a bit after year one on his instigation, and there's still part of me that's hurt by that, I've got visions of him moving on really fast! He's done his will and it all goes to his kids. Which I don't think is inappropriate. We don't have joint property. I'm living with him but pay rent, while my own flat is rented out.

Giving to charity is an attractive option.
So is naming a couple of close friends.

Thoughts would be really welcome. I'm reminding myself that I'll be dead by this stage, so I may be overthinking it!

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 10/03/2022 19:11

You don't have to give everything to one person, or two. You can name as many people as you want in your will and specify exactly what you want to leave to each person.

Just make a list of all the people you would want to benefit, and to what extent, and take it from there.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 10/03/2022 19:13

What was the gift you bought him?...it sounds ungrateful of him, has he behaved like this with other gifts he has received from you or other family members or just this one gift?

LoganberryJam · 10/03/2022 19:13

In these circumstances I think I would give a bit to each of my nieces, nephews and step DC and the rest to charity.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 10/03/2022 19:14

Sory I posted in the wrong thread

SecretSquirrel111 · 10/03/2022 19:16

It’s not the most straightforward and you can make changes as time goes on- for example the suggestion of grandchildren inheriting from grandparents may not happen as they need to pay care home/medical fees etc. There are quite a few presumptions worth bearing in mind as time goes on.

Do you have any good friends you’d like to consider as well?

balalake · 10/03/2022 19:17

@LoganberryJam your thoughts are similar to mine in that I would leave your estate to the next generation and charity. All other things being equal, much older siblings are more likely to die before you.

Retrievemysanity · 10/03/2022 19:21

You could leave your money to a discretionary trust and name all those people and charities as potential beneficiaries. Then you could have a side letter of wishes detailing how you’d like the pot to be split. This letter is private and only seen by the trustees so would hopefully avoid too much conflict. You can also change the letter as many times as you want without the need to change your Will.

CMOTDibbler · 10/03/2022 19:21

I'd leave a sum to good friends, and then split the rest between your favourite charities

inheritancetrack · 10/03/2022 19:22

Charities and friends. Explain same to DP. If things change and the relationship becomes more long lasting you can always change it, especially if you become fonder of his kids. It won't go to their mum.

Retrievemysanity · 10/03/2022 19:22

(So if you change your mind re DP or other circumstances change, you can leave more to him or his kids etc)

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 10/03/2022 19:26

I wouldn't give any to him if he doesn't plan to provide for you. I'm not saying all of it, he has kids but at least to let you live the rest of your life in the house.

Chippingin2 · 10/03/2022 19:39

Before I met DH (late in life) and with another DP, my will specified friends and charities. And I was really happy with that. I got to choose with my heart.

Chloemol · 10/03/2022 19:42

I would give to your nephews and nieces , or god children if you have any

PatsyJStone · 10/03/2022 19:48

I’d also give to charity and friends.

user1471447863 · 10/03/2022 19:51

spend it all enjoying yourself before you go?

ChairCareOh · 10/03/2022 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

StoneofDestiny · 10/03/2022 19:58

Giving to charity is an attractive option
So is naming a couple of close friends

I'd do this - sounds the just option. I'd make sure you lived life to the full before then.

ancientgran · 10/03/2022 20:01

@LoganberryJam

In these circumstances I think I would give a bit to each of my nieces, nephews and step DC and the rest to charity.
Seconded, but maybe a bit to close friends as well. Depends on amount really.
Original poster
largeprintagathachristie · 10/03/2022 20:23

Thank you, all.

I was so, so "stuck" and now I see options.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 10/03/2022 20:26

Spend freely travelling around the world. Bequeath what’s left to friends and charity.

WibbleWobbleWibble · 10/03/2022 20:35

You need a will that you are happy with now..........eg what would you want to happen if you were suddenly hit by a bus next week?
If you want to change your will in the future as circumstances change, it is easily done. Don't get caught up trying to think too far ahead.

Xpologog · 10/03/2022 20:36

I’d make a list of the people I like, be it friends or relatives, inc DPs children.
Leave each an equal amount of money — £50, £500, £5000, whatever you want and will be available of course. And then leave everything else to your favourite charity/ charities.
You need an executor, this can be a beneficiary, someone else you trust or you can appoint someone neutral like a solicitor.
You can pre pay and arrange a funeral if you wish.
You can also include a clause in your will stating why you are not leaving to some — this helps if you think certain people might contest the Will. Your Will writer will advise you about this.

Anonymouseposter · 10/03/2022 20:44

You can leave smaller amounts to a larger number of people if you want to.
I would have a think about who I would like to have a little treat from me after I was gone and go with that.
If there are any causes that you feel strongly about that would also be something you could consider.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 10/03/2022 20:56

Give it to the people you like and who will be there for you in the future - in this case I’d say your friends right now. And you can change your will as often as you like, so if things change you can just do a rewrite.

Terfydactyl · 10/03/2022 21:06

In a broadly similar situation and I've chosen charities that currently see women as y'know women! Cant believe I have to say that, of course as time goes on they may change their attitude and other charities may revert to women only and I will alter my will accordingly.
This is after certain good friends get a chunk to do what they will with it. They dont know I'm leaving them anything (why would they I'm in my early 50s, who cares at that age?) And I hope they enjoy it and not pay bills with it, but the way fuel bills are rising it may well be spent on that.