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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be panicking

30 replies

lavaa · 10/03/2022 19:03

I am currently on maternity leave.

I have had a pretty generous pay package by my work so have been able to continue contributing 50/50 to the bills. however, my pay is going to start dropping off to 600 a month from this month. we get a bit of top up from universal credits but this is based on what my partner earns too (he is self employed so it varies). he just said he cannot wait for the warmer weather as he will be working so much more and thus earning a lot more. I said to him dont forget I wont be able to contribute 50/50 when that happens as I will be on smp and his earnings will stop any universal credits.

well. the look on his face - he has just sulked off. saying he cannot afford to contribute anymore than he already does. I'm now really worrying - I won't be able to get by on smp and no top up because of his earnings and he wont pay anymore. I could get kicked out of my rented home - only other option I can think of is saying to him I csnt afford for him to live here if he isnt going to up his contribution.

I feel a bit deflated too as he wouldnt be able to work all the days he is going to be during the warmer weather if I wasnt here looking after our sons (twins)

OP posts:
DenholmElliot · 10/03/2022 19:06

He's a cheeky cunt! Remind him how much you're saving him on nursery fees. Honestly, people like this make my blood boil. How come you're not married? Was that a tactical move by him to protect himself and his earnings and for you to take all the financial hit?

Original poster
lavaa · 10/03/2022 19:08

probably hear it on here all the time but the twins are like the immaculate conception - I had the implant, no idea how it failed. it was coming to the end of the 3 years but even so.

it feels like that's what's happening, he still sees his money as very much his money.

OP posts:
steff13 · 10/03/2022 19:08

If he's making more money, he can contribute more, right? I'm not sure I understand the issue. What was he planning to do with the extra money if not use it to support his family?

ReadyToMoveIt · 10/03/2022 19:08

It doesn’t sound like much of a partnership… the way you phrase things makes it sound like he’s a lodger in your house.
Did you talk about how the finances would work before you became pregnant? He must have been aware that your earnings would drop at a certain point?
If he can work more and earn more in the summer, then he can afford to contribute more.

Crunchymum · 10/03/2022 19:09

Why has this not been discussed before now? as in, from X date my pay goes down to Y so you need to pay Z

HangOnToYourself · 10/03/2022 19:09

He realises that he decided to have a child with you and that impacts on your finances? Local man realises adults have to make sacrifices for their kids...is shocked.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/03/2022 19:13

How did you not have this conversation when you found out you were pregnant?

Gosh I'm pregnant. We are going to have a baby.

How is that going to work, I won't be earning during maternity leave and then we will need childcare.

What shall we do?

Do we need to move house? How do we save up now?

Etcetera

Original poster
lavaa · 10/03/2022 19:13

lodger is exactly what it feels like. we have spoken about it before and he made all the right noises, when I reminded him that my pay was starting to drop from this month he is suddenly all twitchy

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2022 19:14

What a shit relationship. I'd be getting my ducks in a row if I were you.

Original poster
lavaa · 10/03/2022 19:15

we shouldn't have any struggles at all, this is what I m saying he earns great money when the weather starts getting warmer, the trade he does the demand almost triples. he is just now being really funny that I wont be able to contribute 50/50

OP posts:
DenholmElliot · 10/03/2022 19:17

@lavaa

we shouldn't have any struggles at all, this is what I m saying he earns great money when the weather starts getting warmer, the trade he does the demand almost triples. he is just now being really funny that I wont be able to contribute 50/50
Are you saying that he wants you to both a) raise the twins and b) earn the same amount of money to contribute that you were before?

How much is 50% anyway?

Dishwashersaurous · 10/03/2022 19:19

When do you return to work?

What is the agreed plan for paying for childcare when you back to work?

How does he think the bills will be paid when there's no money in the account?

Original poster
lavaa · 10/03/2022 19:20

I guess so. 1000 for everything (rent, council tax, gas, electric, car, food shops, car insurance) so I guess all in about 2000 total

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 10/03/2022 19:21

You are looking after two babies. Is he doing half of that? I suspect not. So you are more than covering your fair share.
Honestly I'd get rid of him - you'd be better off without him

Original poster
lavaa · 10/03/2022 19:23

I can return to work any time in the next 6 months but it will eat into earnings probably the same as it currently does with me not working. two sets of nursery fees

OP posts:
TracyMosby · 10/03/2022 19:24

That’s it what the immaculate conception is, btw.

He obviously wants to have more spending money as he could of course afford to contribute more if he was so excited about how much more he would be earning.

If you plan to tell him he would have to move out if he had no plans to contribute fairly, also tell him at the same time how he would then NOT be able to work quite as much as he had planned as he would have twins to took after half the week.

TracyMosby · 10/03/2022 19:25

*That’s it what the immaculate conception is, btw.
Ffs i meant that is NOT what it is. Wine

ElegantlyTouched · 10/03/2022 19:26

Point put the alterative is you go back to work next month and he'll have to pay one set of nursery fees.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/03/2022 19:27

What had you agreed?

What did think was going to happen, that somehow having two children would have no financial consequences?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 10/03/2022 19:31

Sure, then he needs to contribute 50/50 as well of course, that is what 50/50 means. So you go back to work, and you pay 50% of the childcare, the other 50% is on him, whether he takes half the month off work or he pays for childcare for 2 weeks a month, its his problem. Lay out the costs in front of him for two babies.

Id be careful in your situation as he is self employed if you split you can guarantee he will fiddle his books so doesn't pay a penny in child support - if that happens 50/50 care will be your only way of getting anything from him.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/03/2022 19:31

The average full time nursery fee in the UK is £263 per week per child. Therefore over a thousand per child, so for two that's two thousand pound. Basically average full time nursery fees are going to be the same again as all your bills.

You need to sit down , preferably with a spreading, and Talk through how the financial situation is going to work.

Obviously this should have been done months ago but better late than not.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2022 19:34

You taking care of his children isn't worth anything? Yet another prince among men.

dollymuchymuchness · 10/03/2022 19:36

You have to be strong @lavaa and lay out exactly what he should be contributing financially. You know him best, so you will know what works in getting through to him. He needs to know that if he doesn’t step up, it’s over. Good luck. 💐

Nidan2Sandan · 10/03/2022 19:48

Surely it makes sense for him to work as much as possible in the warmer weather and then save as much as possible to cover the winter when he cant earn as much, given you'll shortly have thousands of pounds of nursery fees every month.

Sounds like he hasnt thought about having babies much past the actual act of having them.

2DogsOnMySofa · 10/03/2022 19:54

Why is it that so many adult men seem to think that children come with zero cost. Is he stupid or did he think he's not be expected to pay towards his children? does he not realise that if you didn't stay at home he'd have to help fund childcare - I also bet the op has bought most of the stuff for the children too.