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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or are they being pedantic?

30 replies

TheSoapyFrog · 10/03/2022 15:46

My maternal grandmother passed away in 2013. For the Mother's days that followed, my DM said she didn't want to do anything on the day as she was sad about the loss of her DM. She said now that I was a mother, I should be doing something with my own children.
After a couple of years, I started calling to ask if DM had plans for Mother's day. She replied no and said she wasn't doing anything because she doesn't have a mother.
I accepted and still sent a card and present.

It was the same thing with my step dad on father's days.

At the weekend, my DM remarked that it's been nearly 10 years since DGM passed away and I asked if she was ready yet to start doing something on Mother's day as I would like to celebrate her as well. DM said that she has been for years and she's said no she isn't doing because she isn't planning anything because she doesn't have a mother anymore to plan anything with. However, she doesn't understand why I haven't planned anything for her all these years.

Apparently me calling to ask if she was doing anything or had plans wasn't the same as an invitation.
If I had called and said "can I cook you dinner or take you out for lunch", she would have accepted, but the way I asked, to them, sounded like I was asking if DM was organising something that I could tag along to and they pay for me like when I was younger. Which absolutely wasn't my intention.

If you've managed to make any sense of this, who is BU?

Me for not explicitly organising and inviting them to something for mothers/fathers day.

Or

Them for being pedantic about me not using the exact rights words and probably deliberately misunderstanding.

OP posts:
FantasticFebruary · 10/03/2022 15:51

I think the onus was on you too invite/suggest something. Asking if they were doing anything does put the onus on them to organise it, whereas as the child celebrating mothers/Father's Day, that was (is) your job.

Lamerexo · 10/03/2022 15:52

If her mum is dead what exactly is there for her to plan to do on mother's day? It was up to you to make plans with her because she is your mother. YABU.

Onlyforcake · 10/03/2022 15:53

You absolutely didn't do anything wrong. She sounds like she's trying to illicit a great deal of sympathy BUT actively put up barriers to your support.

Onlyforcake · 10/03/2022 15:54

I'm surprised by everyone saying YOU should have made plans. You called, you invited the conversation whilst accepting she needed space. It would have been rude to just roll in with plans in place.

Original poster
TheSoapyFrog · 10/03/2022 15:55

@FantasticFebruary

I think the onus was on you too invite/suggest something. Asking if they were doing anything does put the onus on them to organise it, whereas as the child celebrating mothers/Father's Day, that was (is) your job.
In my head I was! They might have planned to go away (they have this year) or my brother might have suggested something. If they had said they didn't have plans I would then made the invitation.
OP posts:
Original poster
TheSoapyFrog · 10/03/2022 15:57

@Lamerexo

If her mum is dead what exactly is there for her to plan to do on mother's day? It was up to you to make plans with her because she is your mother. YABU.
Well they're going away together for the weekend on mothers day this year, and have done in the past. In my mind, I was checking to see if they had plans before I arranged anything or invited them to lunch etc.
OP posts:
LottyD32 · 10/03/2022 15:57

@Lamerexo

If her mum is dead what exactly is there for her to plan to do on mother's day? It was up to you to make plans with her because she is your mother. YABU.
This.
girlmom21 · 10/03/2022 15:59

I think she's right. She said "no I have no plans because I have no mother." Then you just said "ok no worries."

You didn't invite her.

Original poster
TheSoapyFrog · 10/03/2022 16:02

In my head I was checking if they already had plans before I made any arrangements but now worry I haven't been clear enough.
DM and I have had communication differences forever. I could be drowning in quicksand and couldn't bring myself to ask for help and would wait for her to help me, whereas she would see me drowning in quicksand and wouldn't help because I didn't directly ask for it.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 10/03/2022 16:03

V confusing - if you get on with her generally, just let it go and move on - suggest something nice for this year - and make it clear you're inviting her out, not asking her to invite you out.

girlmom21 · 10/03/2022 16:04

But they said they didn't have plans and you still didn't make arrangements which makes no sense

50DaysAF · 10/03/2022 16:05

I mean she said she didn’t want to do anything so why would you then try to organise anything?
I don’t think you are BU! Surely if you had made an invite to lunch she would have been annoyed that you didn’t listen to her?

RealBecca · 10/03/2022 16:07

Yanbu. You were sensitively sounding out the situation. Shes lost 10 years of mothers days because she couldn't just say "no I dont have plans, what are you doing?" Which would have opened the conversation.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/03/2022 16:07

If they had said they didn't have plans I would then made the invitation

But that IS what they said, just worded a little differently I guess. I think it's just a case of crossed wires but your mum should have spoken up years ago if she actually wanted to spend the day with you!

Catflapkitkat · 10/03/2022 16:08

Does your mother have form for this type of behaviour?

You can't do right by doing wrong.

Momicrone · 10/03/2022 16:08

I think you organise and invite

FrenchBoule · 10/03/2022 16:09

YANBU

You have asked your mother if she planned anything. She said “no because I no longer have a mother”.Her answer shut down further conversation and any possibility for you to organise something.

Your mother actively encouraged you to spend the day with your kids.

Your mother can’t shift the blame on you.

You’re not a mind reader and she could have easily said “can I come over”.

Don’t feel guilty OP, you’ve done nothing wrong.

MangyInseam · 10/03/2022 16:10

To me it just seems like a misunderstanding. You thought she didn't want to do anything and were trying to be sensitive, she didn't mean that at all.

I'd just tell her you got the wrong end of the stick and you didn't want to upset her, and plan something nice this year.

FloraPostePosts · 10/03/2022 16:10

I ring my mum and ask her what she would like to do on Mother’s Day. It’s my day to celebrate her mothering me, so I make the arrangements. I think your mum was telling you quite clearly when she said she wasn’t arranging anything because she has no mum, that it was your role to arrange something for her.

It does sound as though you don’t ‘read’ each other very well. Are you not that close? Or have you always had trouble with communication?

SamphiretheStickerist · 10/03/2022 16:19

It doesn't matter.

You each thought you were communicating clearly. You each misunderstood.

Tough.

The thing about family is, I am told, that such things are easily forgotten, new ways explored, no grudges harboured.

So call her back and laugh at how stupidly polite you have both been and ask her if she would like to join you doing X, y and z.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/03/2022 16:19

I mean, I ring my mum and ask her if she doesn't have plans, would she like to come out with us. If you just stop at "do you have plans" she isn't going to know you wanted to spend any time with her

Original poster
TheSoapyFrog · 10/03/2022 16:20

I guess we're not as close as many mothers and daughters are. And yes we've always had problems communicating. I'm not very direct it would seem and she doesn't respond unless I've been direct. But then I thought I was being direct here by ascertaining whether she had plans before I made any arrangements. But evidently I wasn't!

OP posts:
Mamamia7962 · 10/03/2022 16:33

Why do you have to plan something for her on Mother's Day? You send her a card and buy her a present. It's not like you completely ignore her. I don't have a mum but I don't expect my daughter to take me out just because it's Mother's Day. We go out for a meal or walk, shopping etc just because we want to not because a date on the calendar tells us we have to.

CowsAreNotGreen · 10/03/2022 16:41

I think it depends on the people. My mum I know used to organise something every mother's day for her mum and we'd all tag along to that and celebrate with her. But now she has died she has no plans to do something so its up to us to ask if she wants to do something.

This is how I would have taken it and probably been a bit annoyed if I were your mum that you kept asking my plans when my mother was dead. But you saw it as asking if she was free. I think YABU and should have asked if she wanted to do something and invited her to a meal.

CowsAreNotGreen · 10/03/2022 16:42

@TheSoapyFrog

I guess we're not as close as many mothers and daughters are. And yes we've always had problems communicating. I'm not very direct it would seem and she doesn't respond unless I've been direct. But then I thought I was being direct here by ascertaining whether she had plans before I made any arrangements. But evidently I wasn't!
It's the use of the word "plans". If you'd asked if she was free or if she wanted to do something your response would have been different.
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