AIBU or are they being pedantic?

[TheSoapyFrog]

My maternal grandmother passed away in 2013. For the Mother's days that followed, my DM said she didn't want to do anything on the day as she was sad about the loss of her DM. She said now that I was a mother, I should be doing something with my own children.
After a couple of years, I started calling to ask if DM had plans for Mother's day. She replied no and said she wasn't doing anything because she doesn't have a mother.
I accepted and still sent a card and present.

It was the same thing with my step dad on father's days.

At the weekend, my DM remarked that it's been nearly 10 years since DGM passed away and I asked if she was ready yet to start doing something on Mother's day as I would like to celebrate her as well. DM said that she has been for years and she's said no she isn't doing because she isn't planning anything because she doesn't have a mother anymore to plan anything with. However, she doesn't understand why I haven't planned anything for her all these years.

Apparently me calling to ask if she was doing anything or had plans wasn't the same as an invitation.
If I had called and said "can I cook you dinner or take you out for lunch", she would have accepted, but the way I asked, to them, sounded like I was asking if DM was organising something that I could tag along to and they pay for me like when I was younger. Which absolutely wasn't my intention.

If you've managed to make any sense of this, who is BU?

Me for not explicitly organising and inviting them to something for mothers/fathers day.

Or

Them for being pedantic about me not using the exact rights words and probably deliberately misunderstanding.

Ugh what a drama llama she is. She could have just said ‘no, what are you thinking?’

Bloody martyr.

I don't understand the question "do you have any plans for Mother's Day" when she obviously wouldn't have plans because her mother is dead. What plans was she supposed to have?

Do you mean "are you free?". I do think it was a bit of an odd way to phrase this.

I think you should have rang and just asked her if she wanted to do stuff with you that day.

However, I do understand your side because she did say she wasn't ready and that you should do things with your own DD, and she never let you know that had changed.

So both a bit YABU and a both a bit YANBU.

I actually think this one is a six-of-one, half-a-dozen-of-the-other situation. It sounds like you're both walking on eggshells with each other - is that the case? Is your relationship a difficult one generally?

Given that you know your mum's mother is dead, saying 'Do you have any plans for Mother's Day?' rather than 'I was wondering if you might like to do anything for Mother's Day - maybe we could go out for lunch or something, if you're free?' does seem really odd to me. And also find it a bit odd that when your mum said no, she didn't have plans because she doesn't have a mother, you didn't just say 'OK - I do have a mother though, and that's you! So I was thinking we could do something, if you'd like that?'

However, I also think it's bonkers that, upon being asked if she had plans for Mother's Day, your mum didn't say 'No, but you know, I do feel like I wouldn't mind celebrating now.'

I think in your position i would have a good old laugh about how we'd both been way too polite about not wanting to put each other out, reassure your mum you love her and make up for lost time by doing something you'd both enjoy.

me calling to ask if she was doing anything or had plans wasn't the same as an invitation

She’s not wrong.
What was she supposed to say? “Well I plan for you to invite me to lunch/take me out/visit…”

@Mamamia7962

Why do you have to plan something for her on Mother's Day? You send her a card and buy her a present. It's not like you completely ignore her. I don't have a mum but I don't expect my daughter to take me out just because it's Mother's Day. We go out for a meal or walk, shopping etc just because we want to not because a date on the calendar tells us we have to.

That's a good point. I always assumed it was important as she made a fuss of her DM when she was alive and organised something. But me and DM aren't anywhere as close as she and her DM were. She doesn't like coming to me and if I try and take her out she tells me off for wasting my money. Maybe she isn't fussed.