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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make a historic complain. Trigger warning: abortion

66 replies

kindredsp · 10/03/2022 13:09

Hi guys,
Just looking for a bit of advice please. I fell pregnant unexpectedly (told I couldn't have children so we eased our contraception) when I was 25. I was not long out of University and I had just started my first job in my new career. I didn't live with my boyfriend, he was still studying for his Masters Degree and I was house sharing with friends in a different city.

It came as a huge shock, we literally weren't in a position to have a baby and we just didn't know what the right course of action was for us. So I booked an appointment with my GP to go and talk it through with them with my boyfriend in tow, and hopefully get some information to help us.
At the appointment the GP refused to talk to us about it, she told me that most people have unplanned babies and that we just needed to get on with it, and in 10 years time we'd look back and be glad we kept the baby. I explained that I had only just started a job and my boyfriend had no job because he was still studying full time, and she waved it away and said in 10 years time we'd financially be fine and what a ridiculous reason not to have a baby. She looked me in the eye and said, I won't support an abortion.

It was a small rural practice and she didn't offer to let me see another GP who might not be so opinionated (I didn't even know that was an option) and we walked away with a feeling of embarrassment and tails between our legs. I literally felt that I'd been told off by a parent and I felt ashamed of myself for being so selfish. We looked at each other and said "I guess we're keeping it then." We had no idea there was other support we could access ourselves, she didn't tell us anything.
Now our son is now a strapping 11 year old and of course I wouldn't be without him, but cannot also deny that this last decade has been extremely difficult for us. We were not financially viable for years and without the help of our families we quite frankly wouldn't have been able to meet all our financial needs and put food on the table.

My boyfriend and I moved in together just before our son was born. He still had no job so I had just 2 months off before returning to work. I didn't qualify for MAT leave because I fell pregnant too early into the job, so I missed out on much of that precious time which I feel really sad about even now. The stresses and strains of raising a child in a situation where no matter what you do, it's not enough money wise is definitely not the way I wanted to raise a child.

Now I want to make it very clear, I don't regret having him. Even if 11/12 years on, we are still struggling and we're not looking back and laughing at the past. But I now realise how horrifically we were treated by the GP. I'm wondering if I should look into making a formal complain. I'm not looking for compensation, that would devalue my son's existence, but just to make some noise to ensure that another couple who naively go to talk to their GP are treated fairly and impartially, and given all the options and information available before making an informed choice.

If I was to make a complaint, does anyone have any advice as to how I should go about it? I obviously know the GP and practice (although I'm no longer a patient there), but it was a significant period of time ago. Has too much time passed? Should I just let it go? What do you think?

OP posts:

Glitterbells · 10/03/2022 16:38

This was so wrong. I’m sorry for the way you feel.

But can you clarify what is it you want from the complaint?
If it makes you feel any better, then attitudes like this archaic one will be less and less prevalent in society overall. And id be very surprised if a healthcare worker now would speak with such bias.
I believe if for religious reasons, a health worker can avoid being part of abortions, but they need to refer you on to someone that would help you.

I think you would be better off accessing counselling if you feel you need it. That may help you process all of this.
Also, I mean this to be helpful, so please don’t take it the wrong way.
But is there any chance that Deep down you knew you wanted the baby. And that maybe the gp wasn’t as biased as you believed at the time. You just read into the consultation based on what you wanted deep down?

I completely support access to abortions for all and wouldn’t judge anyone for accessing one for any reason.
However I feel that by complaining about a Heath care worker not facilitating access to a process that ultimately means a child wouldn’t be here, could be setting you up for guilt that may be difficult to carry.

Ultimately he is here now and I think coming to terms with what happened, the good parts as well as the bad, as this was not the life you had planned, and considering the things you cherish about your child, may be more helpful to you than a complaint.
Good luck to you, what ever you choose to do.

TheSoapyFrog · 10/03/2022 16:50

I can sympathise OP having been in a similar position myself. I was told I was infertile and so wasn't planning on having children. But at 31 i got pregnant. I went to my GP for advice and he referred me to an unbiased counselling service to discuss my options as I wasn't sure if I should continue with the pregnancy.
Following the alleged unbiased advice, I went on to have twins as a single mother.
Later I realised the service was provided by a Christian organisation and my GP surgery was a Christian one. I don't feel the advice was unbiased at all in retrospect. But I was an adult and I made my decision. As extremely difficult as my life has been, I don't regret the decision I made.

If I had not continued with that pregnancy, I certainly would never have had children, that was my one and only chance.

Mcmafia · 10/03/2022 17:04

@Crunchymum

I'm not looking for compensation, that would devalue my son's existence

What sort of compensation could you possibly think exists for this kind of situation?

Are you sure you'd be able to keep your son away from any evidence of this hypothetical complaint?

I find your post very bizarre to be honest.

I managed to help a friend arrange a termination in 2004 without the need for a GP at all (she didn't want to see her family GP so went direct to Marie Stopes)

Couldn’t agree more.

MissMaple82 · 10/03/2022 17:33

I once reported a historic sexual abuse from a doctor, and sweet fuck all was done about it. I felt abused all over !

MissMaple82 · 10/03/2022 17:35

Actually, to get a nhs abortion you need a drs referral.

Cognoscenti · 10/03/2022 17:38

@LottyD32

Imagine how your son would feel if he found out you launched a campaign against the NHS for not assisting you in aborting him

I'd leave it and move on.

This.

Crunchymum · 10/03/2022 17:47

@MissMaple82

Actually, to get a nhs abortion you need a drs referral.

I may be misremembering then as it was almost 20 years ago, but my friend definitely didn't see her own GP.

From memory she was seen by two Dr's at the clinic, at different appointments to meet the criteria, but as I say it was a very long time ago.

LottyD32 · 10/03/2022 18:03

My friend (15/16) got referred to the local hospital through her gp and another (18) went to the family planning clinic and was referred to an abortion clinic that way. This would have been 1996 and 1999 so plenty of access routes even way before op's predicament.

LottyD32 · 10/03/2022 18:05

First friend had to see another Dr at the hospital and second had to see two and a counsellor.

1forAll74 · 10/03/2022 18:05

I would leave it now, too late to complain about a person from years ago, giving you their opinion on your situation then, when you could have made the decision yourself, or gone elsewhere for some advice and help.

ThinWomansBrain · 10/03/2022 18:14

@SmellyWellyWoo

The internet was easily accessible ten years ago- you had more information at your finger tips. It was 2012 not 1952.

She does sound like a terrible professional and I'm sorry she treated you that way, but I also think you should own the decision to keep your son.

The risk for me of your making a complaint is your son finding out and how it would make him feel. Is it worth it?

absolutely this - you'd done a degree and were studying for a masters. You didn't know how to use the internet, do any research, or even ask university support services for advice?

Cocomarine · 10/03/2022 18:15

You say your maturity was way behind the norm… if you’re really telling us that at 25, only 10 years ago, you didn’t even think to research this more online, then I’d question whether your lack of maturity was extreme enough to question whether your boyfriend was abusive in having sex with you.

The GP was wrong not to give you factual unbiased advice, and I’m sorry you weren’t well supported then. But you have to take some personal responsibility too. Was your Masters capable boyfriend also incapable of using Google because of his maturity?

Cocomarine · 10/03/2022 18:16

@MissMaple82 I think that’s going to get buried in the tread, so

Question887 · 10/03/2022 18:26

I'm sorry, but no. It's way too long ago to complain. Absolutely no good would come of it, far too long has past for accurate recall of the consultation. The GP probably won't even remember the consultation and won't be disciplined for it now.
The way you were spoken too was definitely inappropriate and you could have complained at the time (or at least a few months later) but why have you waited 10 years? It reads to me that because the GP said in 10 years everything would be ok etc, you've literally waited 10 years, realised life isn't how the GP said it would turn out and you now want to complain.
You need to take responsibility for your decision to continue the pregnancy. Only you and your partner had the full facts of how a baby would impact your life. She did not make you have a baby.

x2boys · 11/03/2022 08:47

@MissMaple82

Actually, to get a nhs abortion you need a drs referral.

Does it have to be a Gp though? I am fortunate enough never to have had to consider abortion,I remember the first thing my Gp said to me when I had my first appointment after finding out I was pregnant with my oldest son was are you happy about this

Ff10n · 11/03/2022 09:10

So you'd prefer that the GP had referred you for an abortion no questions asked, you'd not had your son and thus probably never had another baby? Given your fertility circumstances, I think the GP was right to make you think twice about getting rid of the pregnancy. He/she might have given different advice had pregnancy been generally easier to come by.

Yes, it was a difficult time for you in your twenties - but if you'd gone ahead with a termination, how do you know you wouldn't be spending your thirties bankrupting yourselves financially and emotionally trying to have a baby with fertility treatment?

It all water under the bridge now - as the saying goes "Life is what happens while you're busy making plans". It's too late and too difficult to pursue any claim against the GP, and I'm not even sure what the purpose of doing it would be. And as others have said, how would you explain what you were doing to your son?

Stop dwelling on the past (get some counselling maybe, if you think it would help?) and look forward to the future with your son.

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