To make a historic complain. Trigger warning: abortion

[kindredsp]

Hi guys,
Just looking for a bit of advice please. I fell pregnant unexpectedly (told I couldn't have children so we eased our contraception) when I was 25. I was not long out of University and I had just started my first job in my new career. I didn't live with my boyfriend, he was still studying for his Masters Degree and I was house sharing with friends in a different city.

It came as a huge shock, we literally weren't in a position to have a baby and we just didn't know what the right course of action was for us. So I booked an appointment with my GP to go and talk it through with them with my boyfriend in tow, and hopefully get some information to help us.
At the appointment the GP refused to talk to us about it, she told me that most people have unplanned babies and that we just needed to get on with it, and in 10 years time we'd look back and be glad we kept the baby. I explained that I had only just started a job and my boyfriend had no job because he was still studying full time, and she waved it away and said in 10 years time we'd financially be fine and what a ridiculous reason not to have a baby. She looked me in the eye and said, I won't support an abortion.

It was a small rural practice and she didn't offer to let me see another GP who might not be so opinionated (I didn't even know that was an option) and we walked away with a feeling of embarrassment and tails between our legs. I literally felt that I'd been told off by a parent and I felt ashamed of myself for being so selfish. We looked at each other and said "I guess we're keeping it then." We had no idea there was other support we could access ourselves, she didn't tell us anything.
Now our son is now a strapping 11 year old and of course I wouldn't be without him, but cannot also deny that this last decade has been extremely difficult for us. We were not financially viable for years and without the help of our families we quite frankly wouldn't have been able to meet all our financial needs and put food on the table.

My boyfriend and I moved in together just before our son was born. He still had no job so I had just 2 months off before returning to work. I didn't qualify for MAT leave because I fell pregnant too early into the job, so I missed out on much of that precious time which I feel really sad about even now. The stresses and strains of raising a child in a situation where no matter what you do, it's not enough money wise is definitely not the way I wanted to raise a child.

Now I want to make it very clear, I don't regret having him. Even if 11/12 years on, we are still struggling and we're not looking back and laughing at the past. But I now realise how horrifically we were treated by the GP. I'm wondering if I should look into making a formal complain. I'm not looking for compensation, that would devalue my son's existence, but just to make some noise to ensure that another couple who naively go to talk to their GP are treated fairly and impartially, and given all the options and information available before making an informed choice.

If I was to make a complaint, does anyone have any advice as to how I should go about it? I obviously know the GP and practice (although I'm no longer a patient there), but it was a significant period of time ago. Has too much time passed? Should I just let it go? What do you think?

I honestly can't see how you didn't know there were other avenues to use to seek help. It wasn't decades ago. The internet was very much a thing. I'd seek therapy rather than complaint. You don't want to resent your child.

I think you should write to the GP involved and tell them how you feel and also contact PALS and ask them to find out what the process should be if a doctor has a conscientious objection to abortion and how you might go about requesting that the doctor in question is advised of the process.

Alsio having a child is a life changing experience,even in the best of circumstances ,things are not always plain sailing

When I was 18 I knew about the Pregnancy Advisory Service - and that was 50 years ago.

It’s much too late @kindredsp. You need to move on.

@InkySquid

I'm amazed at the number of mumsnetters who are told that they absolutely 100% can't have children and then get pregnant accidentally. I've had various gynaecological issues and it's always been couched as it's unlikely but not impossible.

Me too! If OP complains to anyone it should be whoever told her she couldn’t get pregnant. Seems to be very common for clinicians to be telling women they absolutely can’t have children only for them to get pregnant.

My advice would be to let this go. It was over 10 years ago. I can tell you the response you will get now:

• They don't remember the appointment given the passage of time
• If you had complained at the time then they would have invited you back in to discuss/been able to address the issue better
• They are sorry if you are unhappy with the advice given that would not of been their intention

I guarantee you will not get the response you want or the resolution you need. I think it will cause you more distress because not only will you have had the first appointment, but now a response which you feel doesn't address your concerns.

I can see how such a vehement response from a GP would lead the op to feel she had no option but to accept what she was told. Sounds like she and her dp were made to feel very foolish. Not everyone would be confident about approaching another professional or organisation after that.

I think the idea of telling the practice what happened and how it has affected you is a very good one. The letter could be anonymous so no chance of your son coming across a response.

I’m sorry your GP was shit. But 10 years ago, there were copious amounts of resources available to you, if you’d used the internet. There would have been multiple options, rather than just going along with whatever one lady told you.

The mention of compensation is horrible. Even thinking about the concept. And I don’t know how you could complain, or launch a campaign against the NHS for their lack of help in aborting your son, without him finding out. That would be devastating.

I think you have to try and move on. Accept that for whatever reason, you were passive in your life choices rather than active, and allowed yourself to be easily talked into something you didn’t want. Enjoy your son, and try to put things behind you, for his sake.

OP, this was clearly a failure on the part of the GP, and you are clearly struggling with things, but at best all you could do it write an email to the practise manager asking for reflection on this by the GP.

As others have pointed out, it was 2012, & anyone reviewing a complaint from you work point out that as an educated capable person you could have accessed abortion services elsewhere, so I don’t think it would get very far.

What on earth do you think your son is going to think...now, when he's 30. when he's 80?

For God's sake.

You were 25, not 15. Were you incapable of going to a Marie Stopes Clinic?

I really am shocked at you.

Don't worry about other 25 year old couples...very few would be as "naive" as you. And if you don't want compensation (yeah right) that's then isn't it.

I'm sorry you felt so unlistened to. In all honesty, I think I'd leave it due to the time that has passed. It was of course wrong of the GP to dismiss you the way she did, however so much time has elapsed, it'll be a case of them looking at the notes, which probably only give very basic info, then speaking to the GP who won't remember the conversation, then case closed.

OP I really feel for you but agree with the previous advice on getting counselling. The GP practice won't entertain this at all. You would at best get a we apologies and our practice has since changed etc.

I had my dd at the same time and the amount of information all around me was huge. The internet, family, friends, dh, gp practice on posters/leaflets then my midwives all through appointments/scans etc.

Yes of course the gp you seen definitely didn't give you person centred care. But she wasn't the only health professional you encountered through your pregnancy. You can't blame this gp for you and your partner both deciding to keep your child.

When I was 17 (in 1993- pre internet) I got two buses to the other side of town to go to a family planning clinic to get the Pill, to avoid going to my family doctor. And they would have also been able to point me in the right direction for an abortion if I'd needed one.

You might have been given very one-sided advice but you could have gone elsewhere for another opinion. Equally if you'd had the abortion you could have been badly affected by that (though I'm not saying it's a natural consequence of abortion but some people don't get over it).

As others have said I'd recommend some counselling to accept the decision you made and count your blessings re your son. Plus by having a child when you did you will still be quite young when he is an independent adult, which is in only a few years time. Plenty of time to make more of your lives yet.

@x2boys

I am not sure what you mean?

I know it was only ten years ago....which was why I said there were other avenues available and that it was unlikely to happen now. It was unlikely/unusual then I suspect, but there were other options such as BPAS, Marie Stopes etc.

Yes that doctors attitude was awful but you were in your 20's and it was oy 11 years ago. If you had really wanted an abortion surely you would have taken that further. I had my son nearly 14 years ago and I was only 17, I managed to look into all my options without a doctor.

I also think it's a bit odd to go to the doctor to discuss your "options". Your options once you are pregnant are - have a baby or have an abortion.

Thank you for your responses. I think a few of you have misunderstood my post. I wouldn’t want to complain about me not being allowed an abortion. The complaint is about a GP who behaved inappropriately and might have done the same for others who really did want/need that abortion, no one should feel there is no choice.
Yes I could have used Google at the time but I was an extremely naive 25 year old. Maturity wise, I was way behind the norm. Hence just finishing uni, hence just getting a job. The GP was aware of all this.
Those saying why did I go to a GP, well it was what my mum advised and I went with it. I trusted her advice but I should have looked beyond this. Also, a quick look at the nhs site now still suggests going to a GP as one of your options, so it wasn’t so ridiculous of me to go that route, which a lot of you feel.
It has bothered me all this time. Not because I necessarily wanted an abortion, but because I feel like I wasn’t given a proper choice and that has always niggled. I probably would have chosen the same path we’re on now even with all the right support/information, but I’ll never know. And yes, I do see a counsellor (they’re amazing and something we should all have) and it was her suggestion to look into this to help me gain some closure over something I perceive as having no control of.
Valid points are noted about my son misunderstanding me doing this. But I literally can’t see how he’d know. How would he know I’m sending emails/letters to people without me actively sharing that with him? Anyway, it looks like it’s too late now anyway as so much time has passed so that has answered my question. Thank you 😊

Let it go OP
You weren't given a reasonable response by the GP. That was shit. But you were an adult. Not even a particularly young adult. There was plenty of information out there. Mumsnet was available 11 years ago and it was already a decade old by then. You cannot stew over a life decision that you and your partner made based on the opinion of one GP, when there were so many other options to be had, had you only had the sense to look into them.
You literally gave up at the first 'hurdle' and now blame your struggling existence on the choice you both made.

You ask how your son would know OP?

Well, from my own experience and I'm sure I'm not alone in it, family secrets almost always come out sometimes when the original secret holder is dead and believe me, the distress they can cause is heartbreaking.

And really, I don't believe you were quite so gormless as you portray yourself to be-you'd finished university and you were 25 and your boyfriend had also finished university and was doing a Masters. That excuse will not cut it with your son when he finds out and the chances are he will find out.

Tell your counsellor to stop advising you foolishly, otherwidse you are going to make another mistake by making an official complaint and unless, you are still a bit "way behind the norm" as you describe yourself, you won't be able to blame her for the harm that you will do to your son.

As someone who has been in a similar position to your son-although my mother didn't try to pretend she was naive, it is heartbreaking and it sticks for life and he will find out.

You were a 25 year old university educated woman. You could have explored your options without going to a GP. You don't like the fact you were short of money and now try to get some compensation.

Your son will ask you what you wish had happened and, as you want to complain about having hi, he will draw the conclusion that you wish the doctor had taken you by the hand and given you an abortion.

Dress it up any other way...that's the conclusion he will draw and the one he will carry in his heart for ever.

And stop making yourself look bloody ridiculous by presenting yourself as if you were 17 in 1960. You were 25, with a boyfriend in 2011.

Maturity wise, I was way behind the norm. Hence just finishing uni, hence just getting a job. The GP was aware of all this.

I don’t understand what your getting at with this. Do you have a diagnosis of something? I think if a GP was saying that to a young vulnerable adult then my advice would be different. However I am 25, just finished uni and have just got my first ‘proper’ job. This is pretty similar to all of my friends. So wouldn’t say that a GP should have picked up you were behind based on that?

I agree with your counsellor, speak up, be heard. Even if nothing comes of it, it will release you from thinking you should do something.

I would be more annoyed with whoever told you you couldn't have kids, tbh

@InkySquid

I'm amazed at the number of mumsnetters who are told that they absolutely 100% can't have children and then get pregnant accidentally. I've had various gynaecological issues and it's always been couched as it's unlikely but not impossible.

I very much doubt most of them were actually told "you can't have children ever". For one thing, medical professionals tend not to make big absolute statements like that, and most of them have also been practising long enough to know fertility is weird and still mysterious. At most I suspect they were told "you are likely to find it difficult/need assistance to have DC".