Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mums always left to cover sick days for children!!

57 replies

Mumsalone2022 · 10/03/2022 09:27

So if you have a child with your ex, they bang on about wanting to be a dad.. your child is ill but it’s always you who has to take the time off Work when said child is ill…

is it unreasonable to ask them to cover your wages for the days missed (I earn £70 a day, he earns £200/250 a day) I work part time, him full time, I’ve takeNn the last 4 shifts off and he has helped me with wages twice In this time, I now have to take another shift or two off as child is still ill… he said no he’s already helped, so I said fine you take the day off and look after her and I’ll go to work.. he’s flat out refused because “his jobs more important” abs basically laughed at me, even tho he basically Never sees her and would give him a chance to see her like he always claims he wants to. Like I’ve told him before he’s only a dad when convenient for him.

And she was ill for a week in February which I had to take off again with no help from him. He then called me a spoilt brat as my mum sometimes helps with my wages to help me out and he told me to go ask her instead. I have two children to look after, he gets around £3800 a month… all his bills come to £800 so he has £3000 left to save or whatever yet would rather me struggle and his child go without

Thoughts please??? Why is it always the mums responsibility to book child care and cover sick days???!!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 10/03/2022 09:30

Well I'm guessing there is a good reason why he is an ex. You are not u reasonable to expect him to share illness days, sadly just shows what he lacks as a father

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/03/2022 09:32

You can ask, it sounds like he’s said no. I’m a step mum, DH has often taken days off to cover DC illness, they’re his children too. I’ve also taken time off to help if he couldn’t and they were here.

Your ex sounds disengaged, that’s very sad for your DD.

Original poster
Mumsalone2022 · 10/03/2022 09:35

Yeah he has never offered to take the day off. When I mentioned yesterday about him taking Friday off so I could go to work instead he said no, it’s too short notice for him…. Like I planned for her to be ill for nearly two weeks!!

Always the mums expected to do childcare etc x

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/03/2022 09:37

I do feel your pain! My exh is crap at doing anything he doesn’t want to.

I often find just telling him he’s doing it works, but obviously not always.

He tends to palm things off into his partner now, but I never know when he’s going to do this or when his reply ks generally him doing it - I don’t think it’s her job to do!

BrieAndChilli · 10/03/2022 09:42

whats the custody arrangement? if she is ill on his days then he needs to sort it.

ChocolateMassacre · 10/03/2022 09:51

What are the contact arrangements?

What CM do you get?

Ideally you'd share sick days (or he'd pay your missed wages) but unfortunately there's no way to force an NRP to be a decent parent against their will.

Original poster
Mumsalone2022 · 10/03/2022 09:58

We don’t have a custody agreement as he has an ongoing court case for something he did 10 years ago which means he cannot go to court for access until that’s done. He’s happy with a few hours one evening a week if it was up to him so that he can go gym when he wants and eat out when he wants.

He does however always give me £70 a week for her… which is the only good thing he does x

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 10/03/2022 10:02

That's all he's paying for child maint?

He may laugh now, but he won't be laughing later on when his DD treats him like a stranger because he pretty much is.

ChocolateMassacre · 10/03/2022 10:04

You might as well go through the CMS. If he earns the amount you say, then you should be getting around £400-500 per month for your DD.

What job does he do? That's relevant to how easy it might be for him to avoid CM (e.g. if self-employed).

Babadook76 · 10/03/2022 10:11

First off £70 a week isn’t that great when you’re looking at what he’s earning. And I agree that you need to sort out contact days where he’s responsible for her care on his allocated days. You don’t necessarily need to go to court to arrange contact

Original poster
Mumsalone2022 · 10/03/2022 10:14

He’s already told me if I got through cms he will hide his money, he’s self employed but payed by a company. He has his own accountant. He works as a gas engineer who replace gas mains etc. That was the minimum he earns some weeks he can earn £1400, but never less then £800 as it’s all private work.

He has two other children that he told me he his the money from cms so they couldn’t take any money apparently? Or maybe I’ve been naive? Maybe that’s why he’s always paid £70 to stop me going to CMS x

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 10/03/2022 10:15

I hate that women are inhibited from career progression due to having children. I have been off work on maternity leave twice during the last three times. During that time my temporary contract has ended in which I am now struggling to gain interviews and my DH has literally just gained a new position with a 15k increase and more responsibility. It's ridiculous that men with children quite literally don't share the career suffering of having children. It literally makes me want to claim benefits

Original poster
Mumsalone2022 · 10/03/2022 10:18

@Jvg33 yep, exactly, it’s so unfair, men just expect the women to not go to work as their more important! I feel so you :( x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumsalone2022 · 10/03/2022 10:19

@Mumsalone2022

He’s already told me if I got through cms he will hide his money, he’s self employed but payed by a company. He has his own accountant. He works as a gas engineer who replace gas mains etc. That was the minimum he earns some weeks he can earn £1400, but never less then £800 as it’s all private work.

He has two other children that he told me he his the money from cms so they couldn’t take any money apparently? Or maybe I’ve been naive? Maybe that’s why he’s always paid £70 to stop me going to CMS x

@Babadook76 @ChocolateMassacre
OP posts:
Jvg33 · 10/03/2022 10:25

Maybe you should go through CMS. Has he ever messaged you about his earnings?

Ponoka7 · 10/03/2022 10:25

@Jvg33, you'd want to be a single mum on around £1200 a month? Because that's what claiming benefits means. Or if you both gave up work you'd get £1400 a month. What has claiming benefits got to do with your DH not pulling his weight?

Babadook76 · 10/03/2022 10:29

If he’s paid by a company then it’ll be harder for him to hide his wages whether he’s self employed or not. His weekly pay comes from the one source and the cms can do an attachment of earnings and take it straight out of his wages. I’d give them a ring at least and see what they advise

Jvg33 · 10/03/2022 10:29

[quote Ponoka7]@Jvg33, you'd want to be a single mum on around £1200 a month? Because that's what claiming benefits means. Or if you both gave up work you'd get £1400 a month. What has claiming benefits got to do with your DH not pulling his weight?[/quote]
My DH has an incredible job in a private industry. I'm just saying I try so hard at getting permanent positions in my industry it makes me not want to even try anymore. I feel it is partly due to my age and having had young children recently

Babadook76 · 10/03/2022 10:31

[quote Ponoka7]@Jvg33, you'd want to be a single mum on around £1200 a month? Because that's what claiming benefits means. Or if you both gave up work you'd get £1400 a month. What has claiming benefits got to do with your DH not pulling his weight?[/quote]
Because she’s frustrated with the lack of progression and the financial hit so doesn’t see the point of trying any more?

Babadook76 · 10/03/2022 10:31

Cross posted there, it was pretty obvious what she meant

Original poster
Mumsalone2022 · 10/03/2022 10:37

@Babadook76 I did apply and he rung me straight away saying cancel it and he will always pay £70 so maybe I should reapply then as he clearly knows he should pay a lot more x

OP posts:
ChocolateMassacre · 10/03/2022 10:39

[quote Mumsalone2022]@Babadook76 I did apply and he rung me straight away saying cancel it and he will always pay £70 so maybe I should reapply then as he clearly knows he should pay a lot more x[/quote]
He's having you on, I think. I'd call his bluff.

Original poster
Mumsalone2022 · 10/03/2022 10:41

@Babadook76 because I work part time I get working tax credits, do you think me applying via cms will affect this? X

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/03/2022 10:45

Maintenance doesn't affect benefits.

Sounds like he is a self employed contractor so yep HMRC know his actual earnings, he doesn't earn cash in hand!

Yourdly · 10/03/2022 10:47

We don’t have a custody agreement as he has an ongoing court case for something he did 10 years ago which means he cannot go to court for access until that’s done

What on earth..?! His legal problem isn't your problem.

You need to stop faffing around asking for bits of his parenting responsibility like it's a favour.

Go via CMS
Get court ordered contact arrangements
If she's ill on his time it's his childcare problem to pay to fix

He sounds useless and you need to handle the split properly. He's not your partner or mate. He needs to sort out his ridiculous parenting setup. The only way to do that is by legal means.

Why you've let him get away with this situation is beyond me, he's utterly failing his daughter here. Stop enabling him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread