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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Christening Debacle

49 replies

Lulu1027 · 10/03/2022 08:57

I've been trying to plan my son's christening for five months, with the hope of including my husband's devoutly Catholic family. First I offered to have it at my husband's grandparents' church as they are the most religious and are too old to travel. That fell by the wayside without a direct answer so my husband and I decided to forget it and do it locally. Our church has only offered us June 12th, which, unfortunately, is a week before my DH's grandmother's 90th birthday party. Not her actual birthday mind you, (that's in April), but the date they have chosen to celebrate together. I let my DH's aunt (who cares for DH's grandparents and is throwing the birthday party) know of the situation, and that we were considering sending everyone an invite, with no expectation that they would attend due to the scheduling glitch, merely to mark the occasion and make sure no one felt excluded. I've now been told off for ostensibly overshadowing the birthday party and have been told that I should only send an invite to immediate family. AIBU to think it's outrageous to be told who I can and cannot invite to my son's christening, especially when I've bent over backward to accommodate the Aunt/Grandparents schedule for months with no decision? Moreover, wouldn't it be rude to only invite a select group of family members and exclude others? I can't believe the trouble I've been through to include these people to ultimately be rebuffed. And I only did so because they are so devout (ie insufferable) so I figured it would matter to them. Well, I thought wrong and now I'm incredibly hurt. Any advice on how to proceed?

OP posts:
Swimmum78 · 10/03/2022 09:05

I get why you would be hurt by this, when you have tried to be inclusive for everyone. However it sounds like you have tried to do things the 'right' way for other people. I would think about what you really want for the christening day and focus on making it happen for you Flowers

romdowa · 10/03/2022 09:07

Do what ever you want and tell anyone who had an issue to mind their own business. Or do what I did, I christened my child with me , dp , god mother and god father present and that was it. Far far less hassle.

HerbivorousRex · 10/03/2022 09:17

I think you’ve been more than reasonable, especially because the Christening isn’t even on the same day as the party.
There might be a few people who can’t attend both but summer dates are always busy (I’ve been to 3 weddings in one bank holiday weekend before!)
I’d send invitations to everyone but maybe add a note to your husband’s family members to say that whilst you’d love to have them there you’re aware it’s gran’s birthday party a week later so you totally understand if they can’t make it and you’ll look forward to seeing them there.

balalake · 10/03/2022 09:18

Stick to June 12th, recognising some people will be unable to make it.

Original poster
Lulu1027 · 10/03/2022 09:22

@HerbivorousRex
"I’d send invitations to everyone but maybe add a note to your husband’s family members to say that whilst you’d love to have them there you’re aware it’s gran’s birthday party a week later so you totally understand if they can’t make it and you’ll look forward to seeing them there."

That's exactly what I was planning to do but DH's aunt was so territorial that I wondered if even that might cause problems.

OP posts:
Whatever00 · 10/03/2022 09:23

You do it the way you want to do it. I personally would invite everyone and ask them to RSVP by a set day. My attitude is people who care will come and if they don't fuck them. You have tried to please and accommodate others with a poor response now please yourself.

Liveandkicking · 10/03/2022 09:25

If your suggested approach (very reasonable!) causes problems, it won’t be because of the invitations but just because this aunt is difficult. Mentally make your peace with it and do what you think is right and reasonable. Don’t worry if there is a nuclear reaction to it. That’s not in your control.

Babdoc · 10/03/2022 09:28

They sound rather strange Christians if they prioritise a party over a baptism, and then give the poor mother a hard time over it!
OP, the christening is between you, your child, and God. Plus the godparents and congregation, who will formally pledge their commitment to help raise your child in the faith.
Whether your extended family can be bothered to attend as spectators is not worth you stressing over.

Original poster
Lulu1027 · 10/03/2022 09:33

@Babdoc
"They sound rather strange Christians if they prioritise a party over a baptism, and then give the poor mother a hard time over it!"

Agreed! And they aren't just Christians, they are mega Christians. I am also Catholic but I've never met people who drone on about Catholicism like DH's family--in all situations, most often when it's barely relevant. So I find this situation deeply ironic. Honestly feels like they just don't give a shit about us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulu1027 · 10/03/2022 09:35

Oh, and might I add, that ours is the only great-grandchild being christened...

OP posts:
AliceIntWunderland · 10/03/2022 09:49

Invite those that will make it a happy occasion, not those that bring you down.

melj1213 · 10/03/2022 09:49

They sound rather strange Christians if they prioritise a party over a baptism, and then give the poor mother a hard time over it!

This.

My christening day was my grandmother's birthday - because she insisted on it! Most highly religious people tend to prioritise religious ceremonies like christenings/weddings etc over other celebrations like birthdays/anniversaries etc. So it's really weird that they are giving you such a hard time for trying to get your child christened whilst accommodating them.

My maternal grandparents were very religious - think going to church a minimum of twice a week, grandad was on the church committee and gran ran the church volunteers for flowers/church cleaning/attendants at services etc. So, when I was born and my parents were looking to have me christened, the only dates available were my grandmother's birthday or months and months away. My grandmother insisted that we have the christening on her birthday because thr priority was having me christened and she could think of no better gift than being able to have her granddaughter christened in her family church on her birthday with all of her family around.

Original poster
Lulu1027 · 10/03/2022 09:55

@melj1213 Thanks for sharing your story. How sweet and caring of your grandmother. DH's grandparents go to mass EVERY DAY. So you can see why I might think his family would want to be included in the christening. Catholic hypocrisy at its finest...

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 10/03/2022 09:55

How old is the baby?

SarahAndQuack · 10/03/2022 09:55

I wonder if they don't approve of Christenings being a bit event? I'm just putting this out there as I've come across the attitude in certain Anglican churches and I wonder if perhaps some Catholics think like this too?

I've definitely been in church where some of the more fuddy-duddy congregants are muttering about people turning up for a Christening with the entire family in tow, in party clothes, rather than just doing a quiet mum, dad, godparents round the font and crack on with the service kind of do.

Not that this would excuse them being so ungracious about it!

Original poster
Lulu1027 · 10/03/2022 09:58

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

Five months. I've been trying to plan this for a while.

OP posts:
BuffyFanForever · 10/03/2022 09:58

It isn’t even the same weekend, let alone the same day! How ridiculous of them to get cross about it! As if it’s impossible to have plans two weekends in a row? What nonsense. Invite everyone. Entirely their choice to attend or not! Have a lovely event and celebrate this special time with your family

Original poster
Lulu1027 · 10/03/2022 10:08

@SarahAndQuack

I think it's more likely that they object to the christening potentially disrupting "their" family event. Ours is considered secondary.

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 10/03/2022 10:10

Send invites to everyone you want there. Forget anyone elses ideas. If this aunt doesn't want to come they don't have to come

Original poster
Lulu1027 · 10/03/2022 10:10

And DH is the oldest of 31 first cousins so it's also likely that they are over christenings altogether. But if they weren't interested they should have just told me directly last autumn when I offered to have it at their church.

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 10/03/2022 10:10

Have the event you want and invite people and when they decline say 'that's a shame' and don't worry about it?

Zilla1 · 10/03/2022 10:11

I would invite everyone in the wider family if you want so no one/no aunt can then try and turn it around and criticise you for excluding people. Let the GP's in law choose or smile at the uber-Catholicism if they prioritise the party. I'd handwrite a covering note to the invitation saying you and DC would love them to attend this welcome their first DGGC into the Church and other suitably flowery religious messages that you'll be able to imagine what will ring their bell - perhaps reflect back things they've said in the past.

You'll have a talking point at the party the next week if you and your DC go so will want to have a position where no one can reasonably criticise you.

Hope you enjoy the Christening.

Good luck.

Zilla1 · 10/03/2022 10:13

I'd even have as a gift a framed photograph of DC plus all the wider family for the party the week after so the eagle eyed can see who wasn't there and that it was more than just the immediate family that would otherwise give them an excuse.

Regarding the 'just invite immediate family' to your Christening, did you get to make suggestions who comes to their party?

Original poster
Lulu1027 · 10/03/2022 10:15

@Zilla1
"I'd even have as a gift a framed photograph of DC plus all the wider family for the party the week after so the eagle eyed can see who wasn't there and that it was more than just the immediate family that would otherwise give them an excuse."

This is pure genius Grin Halo.

OP posts:
MayBeeMee · 10/03/2022 10:15

Missing the point I know, but postponing the birthday celebrations of a 90 year old for 2 months is a little risky!

They sound like a bunch of overdramatic loons. Have the baptism where and when you like.

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