AIBU Christening Debacle

[Lulu1027]

I've been trying to plan my son's christening for five months, with the hope of including my husband's devoutly Catholic family. First I offered to have it at my husband's grandparents' church as they are the most religious and are too old to travel. That fell by the wayside without a direct answer so my husband and I decided to forget it and do it locally. Our church has only offered us June 12th, which, unfortunately, is a week before my DH's grandmother's 90th birthday party. Not her actual birthday mind you, (that's in April), but the date they have chosen to celebrate together. I let my DH's aunt (who cares for DH's grandparents and is throwing the birthday party) know of the situation, and that we were considering sending everyone an invite, with no expectation that they would attend due to the scheduling glitch, merely to mark the occasion and make sure no one felt excluded. I've now been told off for ostensibly overshadowing the birthday party and have been told that I should only send an invite to immediate family. AIBU to think it's outrageous to be told who I can and cannot invite to my son's christening, especially when I've bent over backward to accommodate the Aunt/Grandparents schedule for months with no decision? Moreover, wouldn't it be rude to only invite a select group of family members and exclude others? I can't believe the trouble I've been through to include these people to ultimately be rebuffed. And I only did so because they are so devout (ie insufferable) so I figured it would matter to them. Well, I thought wrong and now I'm incredibly hurt. Any advice on how to proceed?

Ignore her. She is one member of the family who you were giving a courtesy to. Invite everyone and acknowledge clash and if the aunt blows explain you got in touch as a courtesy and out of respect, she gave unsolicited advice which was not acted upon. You are not beholden to them and while it’s nice to be liked it isn’t always possible.

I'd have the christening at your church on a date to please you and dh. If others can make it, great. If they can't, their loss.

Thank you @Zilla1. You have cheered me up to no end! That's exactly what I'll do

I don’t understand why they’re kicking off over your baby’s christening being a week before their party?! That makes no sense in the real world!

Invite everyone you want. Your Aunt doesn't speak for them. Even if she thinks she does. Don't ask her permission for anything again. You've fed her belief that she is the authority. Do what suits you. You'll never please anyone anyway.

Wow this is insane. My family are also Catholic and a christening would always be bigger celebration than a birthday party.

especially a birthday party not even the same week

Always welcome, OP. I hope you enjoy the Christening and the party. Young children at large family gatherings tend to be a focus so I expect you and your DS will legitimately be a centre of attention without trying.

further to earlier remarks, a more protestant pov.
We regard Baptism and Naming as different. Our minister will do a blessing naming the child for whatever religion.
Our Baptism is the entry level to our Congregation. It is the welcoming of the new member by the members and congregation into our church family. It is always done as part of a regular service. There is nearly always a party but that is not the major part of the day.
Obvs diff for RCs but does it help untangle your thoughts.
Have you had a chat with your Priest about the dilemma. He probably has met all sorts of situations before.

@Sittingonabench Precisely, I was trying to be courteous and this is the thanks I get. She doesn't acknowledge that I was not obligated to consult her.

@VainAbigail I assume it's because the logistics of travel are admittedly complicated, which is why I didn't expect people to actually attend. Nevertheless, it seemed unkind not to extend an invite to any of DH's relatives.

My advice is since it’s your hubby’s family being painful he should be sorting and you should take a step back out of the firing line

@Jonjim "Have you had a chat with your Priest about the dilemma. He probably has met all sorts of situations before."

Thank you. That's an excellent suggestion.

OP,
@Zilla1's suggestion is excellent.

Step back a bit from your husbands family.

Invariably with difficult people being accommodating will be used against you.

Now that you know, you can use this as the example why you WON'T be caught again.

Block the aunt, she's a CF.

Enjoy your christening and take loads of pictures as per @zila's suggestion.

I think it's really poor form to arrange a family event a week before another family event. I'm sure that could have been avoided.

I agree they sound like hard work and it's a shame they weren't more helpful when you were trying to accommodate them. I think the lesson is not to prioritise their feelings in the future. But I would still stick to basic etiquette and not arrange a big event so close to another.

@Holskey I have been forced to take this date because it was the only one offered by our church. I've been trying to coordinate with DH's family for five months, so yes, the overlap could have been avoided had they given me a direct reply earlier. In fact, they never replied to my offer to have it at their church, I only heard indirectly from my MIL some months later that they appeared to be uninterested. So yes, it could have been avoided had they not been discourteous. My mistake was trying to make the event local to DH's grandparents, but I only did so because I thought they might give a crap about the christening given their faith. So basically, it's my fault for trying to be kind. I should have planned it at my church, on my schedule to begin with. I will never try to coordinate with these people again.

I should have planned it at my church, on my schedule to begin with. I will never try to coordinate with these people again

I agree with this. I also think this is your dh's problem and he should deal with his problematic family.

I'm also struggling to understand the issue. The dates don't clash, so why are people making a fuss?

I agree with the comment about postponing a birthday party for a 90 year old. It is a bit of a gamble.

@Holskey He should! It's been an ongoing problem for us. He finds his family useless and insufferable and I'm too much of a people pleaser. Hopefully, I've learned my lesson this time.

I can see parts of it. The suggestion to have it in their church seems mad to me, and I suppose from their point of view they may not have known that you were seriously suggesting that and waiting for their confirmation, so it looks like you're having an 11 month christened the week before they're having a big family celebration. What's the birthday party? Is it a big affair with catering etc? I think a 90th is different to other birthdays, it's a celebration of a whole life not just an age.
I think you're probably over contacting them which looks like you're making a big deal of it when actually you're just trying to be considerate. Id back off.

At the end of the day I don't think you've done anything wrong.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov It was meant to be a kindness. DH's grandparents are very old, cannot travel, and none of their other grandchildren are getting married in the church or christening their children. I know this saddens them and I thought it might be meaningful to tailor the event to include them. It certainly wasn't convenient for me. I spoke to them directly about it and they said they'd get back to me but never did. So they certainly knew I was waiting for a reply. It was rude not to do be the courtesy of replying so I could plan accordingly. Now I've got to take what our church has got. I'm not christening and 11 month old by choice. You are right, I won't contact them anymore.

And, frankly, they have always been inconsiderate. This is an aside but they were a nightmare to coordinate at our wedding. Couldn't nail down RSVPs and we ended up paying for at least ten places for people who didn't show. They knew our anniversary is also my birthday and, a few years ago, they planned an event in honor of DH's father for the date of our anniversary. I normally wouldn't have cared but that year my husband I were living apart so I could pursue work in another city. I couldn't get away so I spent our anniversary alone when we barely saw each other anyway.

It's just a Christening. Fewer people, less expensive. If they come, they come, if they don't they don't.

Ach, forget the arseholes. If they want to kick off about celebrating that a hypocrite has managed not to die yet, let them.

If they are catholic they should want baby doing asap.
I wouldn’t delay it’s not a direct clash with party. I know you aren’t doing it for school but in some areas they look at date of baptism I understand to stop the late finding of faith to get in a top rated catholic school.

God, what is it with people on here and “overshadowing”? They’re on different days and they can choose whether they want to attend or not.