AIBU and being oversensitive? MIL not looking after DS unsupervised?

[Earthgoddess22]

DS is 7 months. Adore him. MIL works 4 days a week, has 4 other GC who she looked after on and off over the years.

I don’t want MIL looking after DS unsupervised for the following reasons, but I look like a spiteful cow to my DH if I’m honest with him and also very critical of his mother. Which I probably am being. I get on with her generally and text and see her once a week. But since having DS my eyes have opened

• If DS cries, she asks ‘what?!’ Like he’s pissed her off, just looks at him and says what? Or says ‘they aren’t real’ about his tears. This is invalidating, and painful for me to watch. DS is only a baby and though he cannot understand the intonation is important.

• DS is almost crawling, when at her house he’s on the floor (no toys to reach for) exerting himself trying to do it! MIL sits there and barks ‘come on’ ‘well come on’! Like he’s a dog. It’s not encouragement it’s like she’s exasperated. DS isn’t a fussy child, it didn’t make him cry but he was looking at her because of the harshness in her voice - as though a command will get a 7 month old to miraculously develop and crawl on the spot.

• Despite twice being firm with her that I won’t be using any physical punishment whatsoever, suggesting repeatedly that I ‘may have to smack him’ when he’s a bit older to ‘tell him’. I told her that under no circumstances will that be happening, does she forget she’s said it to me??? Like why keep saying it I’ve told you.

In all of these events my face turns to stone, I never say anything to DH as it’ll hurt him and I know he won’t agree with me. I am being critical, I know I am. I don’t want to hurt her, either, she’d be absolutely gutted if she knew how I feel. But is it oversensitive AIBU???

And I know DS won’t suffer any damage because of the above occasions, realistically. And that in life, people will speak to him in many different ways, he’ll be equipped to deal with that with a caregiver who is attuned to his needs and safe. I am thinking and suggesting she just takes him out in the pram??? But how can I ensure that?? She crosses my boundaries repeatedly. Over my dead body if DS going to come to me when he’s older cos grandmas ‘tapped’ him. Grrrrrrr

Why would your husband not have an issue with these things too? She sounds horrible. She’d be lucky to see my children supervised to be honest.

Listen to your instincts. That doesn’t sound like a healthy style of parenting. If she’s like that when you are there, what will she be like when alone with him?

Having family members look after your kids is a minefield. The comments about smacking him are a big red flag. I've really had to exercise a lot of self control not to smack my kids during the toddler years, and I'm against smacking. I think your MIL definitely will end up smacking your son when he starts to push her boundaries.

I'd say she sounds like a short tempered, nasty cow!

Yanbu at all

They honestly don’t seem to bother him as much as they do me. I mentioned the crawling one (happened just last weekend) and he said she didn’t mean anything by it. My mums had him before, and my DH gets his back up and says ‘my mum can have him you know’.
It’s really difficult, she does love him and make a lot of him. She’s over anxious on things like safety and hovers over him for danger. When it comes to affection or compassion for him well there’s no consideration whatsoever, it has shocked me a bit.

Be assertive to both oh and mil
Use a pleasant but firm tone of voice and say “ don’t say that / don’t use that tone of voice ... “ every time
No jokes , no tinkly laugh firm and clear

Thanks for your replies.

With children I believe she is short tempered and believes they should do as she says, what they are experiencing or feeling doesn’t matter to her and they’ve got to learn not to do it by punishment and ignoring???

She’s honestly not a horrible person overall, but her parenting style is outdated and horrible to me.

I am grandma to my daughter’s two boys. Things have changed a lot since I brought up my kids, although I never resorted to smacking, I did raise my voice and get “exasperated”. However, I am not their mother, and I always follow what she and her partner want in terms of discipline, encouragement and how I speak to them. I look after them three days per week and am absolutely shattered afterwards. But it is a privilege to be allowed to care for them.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all OP. Your baba, your rulez.

I couldn't stand this for my children. She seems extremely likely to smack him which is illegal and you'd have a responsibility not to leave him unsupervised given her statements.

I'd say you're happy for a relationship to develop but she isn't the right person for sole care due to lack of warmth, patience and the smacking comments. She's possibly too old to get down on the floor with him and is scaling her support re walking but that's not your problem.

I wouldn’t want her looking after him. Even suggesting smacking once would be an instant no from me.

I am so against smacking that any mention of it makes my blood boil! I have dealt with my share of toddler tantrums and childhood attitude but at no point has smacking even entered my mind.

The problem is she has picked up that she’s never had him. She keeps saying Oh I’ll have to have him for you and give you a break! As time goes on she’s getting more funny about it

Makes me feel more guilty

My MIL was like this. She ended up smacking my child, so that was the end of the relationship.

Trust your instincts.

Boys are blind to their nasty mothers unfortunately.
I would say ‘telling me I need to hit my child means she won’t be having him’ end of.

Your responsibility is to your child here, her parenting style isn’t parenting, it’s just cruel. You need to stop worrying about your MILs and husbands feelings.

You said ‘I know DS won’t suffer any damage because of the above occasions, realistically. And that in life, people will speak to him in many different ways,’

He will suffer damage when he’s older, don’t underestimate the impact of being spoken to so harshly as a child, especially by someone they will be told is a trusted adult. Not to mention the potential damage if she hits him.

I’d be minimising contact with her, never leave her alone with your son. It’s very concerning that your husband is ok with your child being treated like this. You need to really think about what you want going forward, how you want your son to be brought up and what that means if your husband isn’t on the same page as you.

Thank you. I think I need to be honest with DH. We have had conversations about our parenting styles, and will need to have more. I think DH agrees with me for an easy life to be honest and is happy to follow my lead with parenting. You are correct and I’m going to have a think.
I do understand all too well what it’s like to be spoken to very harshly as a child, and smacked. This is why I feel so strongly about it, I’ve struggled with my mental health as a result and it impacts every part of you. But I doubt myself still and worry about other people too much even now!!

I did raise my voice and get “exasperated”.

I’m sure many parents do, as children get older. For example, an 8 year old not turning the tv off to get ready after being asked 3 times, may leave many parents feeling exasperated and raising their voice. Being exasperated over a 7 month old baby not crawling is completely unacceptable and not normal at all.

I wouldn’t leave him with her. Being kind perhaps she’s just finding it too much, getting older and tiredness is making her a bit snappy (her 5th grandchild). Different generation, different style of parenting. Either way I wouldn’t leave him with her and I wouldn’t feel a joy of guilt. Put your DS first, trust your gut, you are him mum.

Suck it and see.

She might look stiff and starchy but still be a wonderful granny one-to one with him. A loving grandma is pure gold for a child. IF she can do the job , don't deprive him of that relationship.

If she doesn't measure up, crosses major boundaries, then you just stop her having sole contact with him.

Jot of guilt! Spellcheck!

As you say in your post, realistically DS would be absolutely fine with her and wouldn’t be harmed. But it is weird to talk to a 7-month-old baby like that, and can still see why you wouldn’t want her looking after him for long periods. When he’s older then yes, occasionally I’m sure it will be necessary to be firm and no-nonsense with him at times (although no smacking of course) - but not when he’s a little baby, ffs! I would also find it uncomfortable if I were you and I completely get how you feel.

When she isn’t weirdly snapping at him, does she do all the usual cooing and cuddling and soothing that most people would do with a baby? Or is she just always brisk and cold with babies in general? What’s her relationship with her older grandkids?

Is there a cultural difference between you and husband/MIL?

Can you use the same tone on her & see how she likes it?
"You are just sitting there. Come on, come on get up and do something" - in the exact tone she uses on your baby.
If she says something, you point out it's not nice to be spoken to like that, is it?
Your baby is 7 months old. He deserves love, care & kindness. Gentle smiling encouragement. Not to be harshly barked at.

She’s not gushy or cooey really. Likes to hold him and tell him she’s his grandma. She’s not that old either….other grandkids 2 much much older so not sure. I don’t think she knows how to interact when they’re little.

She had 1 GC every week, she started smacking him when he was 2 because ‘she had to’. He struggles with regulating himself now, I believe, but this isn’t just due to her. He was labelled naughty and now he believes it.

God I sound like I’m on a high horse!!