AIBU and being oversensitive? MIL not looking after DS unsupervised?

[Earthgoddess22]

DS is 7 months. Adore him. MIL works 4 days a week, has 4 other GC who she looked after on and off over the years.

I don’t want MIL looking after DS unsupervised for the following reasons, but I look like a spiteful cow to my DH if I’m honest with him and also very critical of his mother. Which I probably am being. I get on with her generally and text and see her once a week. But since having DS my eyes have opened

• If DS cries, she asks ‘what?!’ Like he’s pissed her off, just looks at him and says what? Or says ‘they aren’t real’ about his tears. This is invalidating, and painful for me to watch. DS is only a baby and though he cannot understand the intonation is important.

• DS is almost crawling, when at her house he’s on the floor (no toys to reach for) exerting himself trying to do it! MIL sits there and barks ‘come on’ ‘well come on’! Like he’s a dog. It’s not encouragement it’s like she’s exasperated. DS isn’t a fussy child, it didn’t make him cry but he was looking at her because of the harshness in her voice - as though a command will get a 7 month old to miraculously develop and crawl on the spot.

• Despite twice being firm with her that I won’t be using any physical punishment whatsoever, suggesting repeatedly that I ‘may have to smack him’ when he’s a bit older to ‘tell him’. I told her that under no circumstances will that be happening, does she forget she’s said it to me??? Like why keep saying it I’ve told you.

In all of these events my face turns to stone, I never say anything to DH as it’ll hurt him and I know he won’t agree with me. I am being critical, I know I am. I don’t want to hurt her, either, she’d be absolutely gutted if she knew how I feel. But is it oversensitive AIBU???

And I know DS won’t suffer any damage because of the above occasions, realistically. And that in life, people will speak to him in many different ways, he’ll be equipped to deal with that with a caregiver who is attuned to his needs and safe. I am thinking and suggesting she just takes him out in the pram??? But how can I ensure that?? She crosses my boundaries repeatedly. Over my dead body if DS going to come to me when he’s older cos grandmas ‘tapped’ him. Grrrrrrr

Unless you call her when you see the behaviour neither she or your dh will think there is a problem

So do that, call her out

Although you say you doubt yourself, it sounds like you do know this isn’t right. Try to trust yourself and be reassured by the posters here all saying the same thing, it’s not ok.

Sorry that it’s sounds like you had a bad childhood. I did too. The one positive is I will never let anyone do to my children what I had done to me, regardless of who that means I upset.

My MiL was an absolute cow to me & didn't have much to do with my children. She preferred her daughters children and it was very obvious they were favoured.
But she wasn't harsh when she did see them and certainly would not have smacked them.

She had 1 GC every week, she started smacking him when he was 2 because ‘she had to’. He struggles with regulating himself now, I believe, but this isn’t just due to her. He was labelled naughty and now he believes it.

If someone did this to my 2yo, I would have zero control of my actions!

@YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj

Is there a cultural difference between you and husband/MIL?

No. Though he is a good 10 years older than me. But MIL had DH young so she’s not over 70 yet.

Children’s experiences start from the moment they’re born. If their needs aren’t met, they will have gaps that will cause them challenges in the future.

From birth to 6mo, babies need their ‘Being’ needs met. They need their care givers to show them love and cater to their needs. They need someone to respond when they cry and cuddle them and smile at them.

Children are learning all the time and while they may not remember the experience, they will learn from it. If he regularly has her snapping at him or smacking him, he will learn that he won’t get love from her.

Absolutely, BeingATwat!! It’s astounding to me, that she doesn’t understand that….but then how could she? My own trauma was caused by a parent who had their own trauma caused by a parent who had their own trauma! It’s only because I became aware of it that im breaking the pattern. It’s a lack of self awareness.

I believe that she’d go on the offensive if I were to assert myself, telling other members of DH family who would agree with him, that’d I’ll ‘make him soft’ or some other kind of bullshit. They live in a small world and are quite narrow minded, MIL is very narrow minded herself and would make me the problem.

With her** sorry

This is really upsetting/chilling to read, do listen to your instincts. Next time she mentions having him so you can have a break, can you reply with a breezy 'Oh I'm fine thank you, but I will let you know if I do ever want a break' and just change the subject? Do NOT be pushed into leaving your son with her just to make adults feel ok.

I believe that she’d go on the offensive if I were to assert myself, telling other members of DH family who would agree with him, that’d I’ll ‘make him soft’ or some other kind of bullshit

Or you will create a child who is confident that his mum will do whatever is necessary to ensure that he is kept safe.

My DD1 is 8 and no one has ever smacked her. She never had anyone snap at her for not being able to crawl at 7mo. She is a very well behaved child, is really mature and knows that she is loved.

My DD2 (17mo) is a more spirited child than DD1 was as a toddler. Again, no one has ever smacked her and they never will. She gets a firm no if she is about to do something dangerous. She’s learning what she can and can’t do and knows she is loved.

Don't let her care for him.

She just sounds downright unpleasant.

There's no need to subject your child to unnecessary unpleasantness. Certainly at the moment anyway you can just say he's too young to be away from mum and dad, then see what sort of child he grows into. When he gets a bit bigger he might be the sort of child who gives as good as he gets and isn't phased by a stern voice, in which case fine, but he might get upset by it (understandably so), in which case you'll be able to say "no, you're not having him on your own because he doesn't want to stay with you".

I had a couple of relatives who were like this when I was little (and everyone says I was an extremely well-behaved child so there was certainly no need for it.) Snapping, being almost aggressive when we'd done something "wrong", even if it wasn't deliberate, never showing any affection. It's just a shame because it just meant I didn't really like those people and didn't enjoy spending time with them.

In your original post the smacking was the only reason I'd need to say no...and then you went on to say she smacked her other grandchild at age 2?!

Fuck that! No way would she ever be on her own with my child, and that's not including the other issues!
I was smacked, I'm 48 now and still remember it, and vowed to never smack or hit any children (or pets) I had. For me it means you've lost control, and is corporal punishment, and a child doesn't need violence to be disciplined!

@HotPenguin

Having family members look after your kids is a minefield. The comments about smacking him are a big red flag. I've really had to exercise a lot of self control not to smack my kids during the toddler years, and I'm against smacking. I think your MIL definitely will end up smacking your son when he starts to push her boundaries.

Good advise

*advice

She had 1 GC every week, she started smacking him when he was 2 because ‘she had to’.

No she would never be left alone with my child.

Just say to your husband "no. She's not very nice to him."

MIL looked after DS once. She called us back because he was crying, which is fine. But when we got there, like 10 minutes later, she was just holding him on the edge of her knee and her face was like thunder. Wasn't cuddling him or talking to him, just holding him up. Clearly very angry that he was crying. She'll never have him again. You can't be angry with a baby for crying.

@Gizacluethen

She had 1 GC every week, she started smacking him when he was 2 because ‘she had to’.

No she would never be left alone with my child.

Just say to your husband "no. She's not very nice to him."

MIL looked after DS once. She called us back because he was crying, which is fine. But when we got there, like 10 minutes later, she was just holding him on the edge of her knee and her face was like thunder. Wasn't cuddling him or talking to him, just holding him up. Clearly very angry that he was crying. She'll never have him again. You can't be angry with a baby for crying.

I get the same vibe with MIL, she’d take the crying personally as though baby’s doing it to spite her. I think quite a lot of people feel like this and it’s entitled to think baby will be ‘good’ for you simply because you’re it’s grandma…the relationship still needs nurturing.

I read that it takes a newborn baby 8 months of seeing someone once a week to recognise them and know who they are.

Thanks for your feedback

I'd continue to avoid her having him for now.
She doesn't need to have a baby alone without you present.

The smacking is enough to avoid unsupervised contact though. I wouldn't criticise her style or demeanour to your husband as that's the kind of thing that can be argued against.
Stick to the smacking as that's a concrete issue.

She has smacked other family small children.
She has told you multiple times you should smack your child.

If your OH asks for his mum to have the baby alone, say no because she believes in smacking and you don't. Hopefully your OH is on the same page as you about smacking?

I was thinking you were being unreasonable until you said she had smacked a 2 year old. No way is it safe to let your son be in her care.

No I feel the same about my mil tbh.
I don’t like her being alone with my children for very long periods of time, definitely wouldn’t allow an overnight.

There’s no hitting though. She’s just a bit clueless? Genuinely wonder how my husband is alive sometimes.

I wouldn't leave him with her if there's the slightest risk she might smack him but there rest seems fine to me, just a bit different, which is also fine.

Does DH agree with you on the smacking?

But when we got there, like 10 minutes later, she was just holding him on the edge of her knee and her face was like thunder. Wasn't cuddling him or talking to him, just holding him up. Clearly very angry that he was crying.

Christ, what is wrong with some people? It's like they see babies as toys for their amusement rather than people. How insecure do you have to be to get personally insulted by a baby crying?

Yes DH is in agreement that he will never be smacked. Though it is more of an emotive topic for me due to my history. For DH, although he was smacked there wasn’t the same trauma and he doesn’t think it affected him. Of course I’d argue different, but I’ve had years of therapy

Oh hell no. No one who advocates smacking is getting anywhere near my children. She sounds cold, not grandmotherly at all and I would put my foot down. Your poor DS, I am feeling so sad for a baby being yelled at to crawl. What the hell is wrong with people?