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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to snap over this (inheritance related)

44 replies

JustLyra · 09/03/2022 13:10

I’m getting ten tonnes of grief from my Aunt this morning because I’ve “deeply upset” my cousin at the weekend.

I was brought up from age 7 by my paternal grandparents (my siblings from then too, but I’m the youngest by a way) because of abuse and neglect by my parents.

When my Grandad died I was 12. My Nana was scared I’d be homeless when she died because my siblings and Aunt made clear they weren’t interested in taking me in. So everything was divided up at that point so that my Aunt & Uncle got their inheritance then, my siblings got theirs (my grandparents disinherited my father and basically considered him dead so his share defaulted to us) and then my Nana left the flat we moved to to me in the hope that that way I’d keep my home and the family would take turns looking after me. I was 12 so I wasn’t part of those discussions (which is key - I played no part in this!). It was also a bit of a gamble because if later the flat needed sold for care costs I’d be the only one that didn’t inherit, but Nana felt it was a gamble that needed taking at the time.

When my Nana died the value of the flat had risen a little, but Nana’s savings and an inheritance she’d received balanced it out (I waived my share of those bits to balance it). In the end I got more than the others by a small bit (a couple of hundred pounds) but my uncle pointed out that I was actually the only one who hadn’t got help to buy, that’s what they all used it for, so it was pretty fair.

However, one of my cousins has a real chip about the fact that I was left something and he wasn’t. He’s gone on about it for years since Nana died. It’s been explained to him numerous times that we inherited our father’s share, but still.

At the weekend at a family event he once again made a comment about me spending Nana’s money. I ignored the first few, but eventually snapped at him that maybe she’d known he’d pick at me for essentially being the kid no-one wanted and that’s why she didn’t. He snapped back that it was no wonder both my father and brother ended up punching me (I’m Nc with my eldest brother as he’s Dad mark II - and the time he’s referencing with my father I was 5 years old).

It was harsh, but I’ve been getting this shit from him for years and I snapped.

This morning I’ve had a big message from my aunt, who I’ve always got on well with, saying that my cousins is deeply upset by the suggestion that our Nana wouldn’t have liked him and that I owe him an apology. I’ve said that if he apologises for his years of sniping then I’ll apologise for reacting to his nastiness.

I know I should be the bigger person and all that, but I’m totally sick of it.

I played no part in the decisions made when I was a child and yet I’m constantly made to feel guilty for them.

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 09/03/2022 13:13

Your cousin sounds like an arsehole and your response was more than fair.

HollowTalk · 09/03/2022 13:15

I wouldn't have any contact with someone who spoke to me like that, OP. I'd block his messages and calls and would avoid being anywhere near him.

CatSpeakForDummies · 09/03/2022 13:19

YANBU, not at all, are you just meant to take it from him and sit there?

I would message your aunt back and say that it's unfortunate that this issue has come to a head, but you've put up with years of it. If she could pass her share of the inheritance down to horrible cousin to make it more fair, then you're sure it'll all die down.

M0rT · 09/03/2022 13:22

Your Nana must have been so sad about the children she had reared. If she had to disinherit her son and she couldn't trust her daughter to care for you if she died when you were a minor.
So your probably right she wouldn't have been that impressed with your cousin!
I'd tell your aunt if her son thinks 5 year olds deserve to get hit, she has bigger concerns then his nose being put out of joint by his cousins sharp comment.
Hang in there, it sounds like you'd a difficult start and you maintained your generosity of spirit if you waived your right to other parts of your inheritance when you lost your Nana Flowers

broccolibush · 09/03/2022 13:25

What a big man he is, getting his mum to tell you off. Ignore him. And her for that matter. I think anyone would snap after constant digs like that. What a nasty chap.

Original poster
JustLyra · 09/03/2022 13:27

@M0rT To be fair to the Aunt in question (she’s married to my Nana’s son) they likely would have taken me in if it came to it. My uncle has always been very good to me. But he was in the military so away a lot and they already had 3 very young young children when Grandad died.

My Aunt, Nana’s daughter, always had the opinion that it was unfair on her children that they didn’t get time alone with their Grandparents because of us. I went NC with her a few years ago because she couldn’t let that go (even though having care for me meant my Nana stopped work and therefore collected two of my cousins from school every day when she collected me).

I think that’s what make this hard - it’s another relative that thinks I have something to apologise for and it makes you wonder if you do.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustLyra · 09/03/2022 13:29

I think the big issue is that I kept the flat when Nana died (my girls and I lived there for a while).

Because of changes to the area it has gone up in value considerably. So people seem to feel I got more when that’s just luck. If I’d sold it and bought elsewhere it wouldn’t have had the same effect.

Even though the houses they bought with their deposits have gone up too!

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 09/03/2022 13:33

It sounds to me as if your relatives have been thoroughly unpleasant to you (with the exception of your nana), and while you say you've always got on with this aunt, I wonder if your bar for decent behaviour is pretty low? She's not being reasonable or nice at all.

You've got nothing to apologise for, and frankly, I am shocked that your aunt thought a child who'd been mistreated by her parents didn't need a bit of extra love and care - not silly sniping about who got 100 pounds, or comments about a lack of one-to-one time with the grandparents.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 13:34

Don't apologise OP.
Your cousin deserved everything you said and worse. What a nasty arse.

purpleboy · 09/03/2022 13:37

You have nothing to apologise for. Your cousin sounds like an arse.
Try not to think about it, I know easier said than done, but you have done nothing wrong at all.

MargosKaftan · 09/03/2022 13:47

Perhaps you should say to your aunt that if she had made it clear that she would have taken you in, then your cousin and you would have had a more equal split of the inheritance. Its only unequal because Gran realised she had to provide a home for you, because everyone understood that your Aunt and Uncle (and other Aunt) weren't trusted by your Gran to act in a decent way towards you. That you've held back pointing out how little gran thought of her and her DH was the reason for the split. But if your cousin makes another comment you will point out it was because Gran thought she (Aunt) wasn't a decent person who could be trusted to do the right thing.

And then think what your Gran thought of these people and think about if you actually think its good for your dcs to be round them.

Wonderwall80 · 09/03/2022 13:48

You are not being unreasonable, and some people are avaricious spoilt brats (age isn’t a determiner in this case).
Go in peace, to live, serve, invest your inheritance, and enjoy your girls.

I’m sorry the little 5 year old girl wasn’t protected as she should have been; you overcame this, don’t let that idiot ‘shame’ or ‘blame’ you for this.

Original poster
JustLyra · 09/03/2022 13:49

It sounds to me as if your relatives have been thoroughly unpleasant to you (with the exception of your nana), and while you say you've always got on with this aunt, I wonder if your bar for decent behaviour is pretty low? She's not being reasonable or nice at all.

The reason I’ve been so surprised today is because this Aunt has always been very decent. She’s not a huggy, warm person (she’s not with anyone though, not just me), but she’s always kept in touch, included me in family events, remembered birthdays and Christmases, and after my Nana died she and my uncle took over a couple of traditions at Christmas and when I had my younger children. Her husband, my uncle, also fell out with his sister for a while over the row I had with her. They were also very very supportive in the situation with my brother.

My uncle has also always pulled up my cousin for his comments. This is the first time I’ve snapped back though so I suppose it’s the first time her son has been upset by me.

My other Aunt, my Nana’s daughter, is a selfish horror. It’s quite baffling how people as lovely as my grandparents ended up with one violent drug addict (my father) and one nasty cow (my aunt) in their three children.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 09/03/2022 13:51

Well done you for calling him out

I wouldn't be apologising and would leave him to stew

You also need to explain to your aunt that you got her siblings (your fathers) share, and that if the cousin thinks he should have got money then it should come from her. If your father had been ok etc he would have got the spare and you and your siblings nothing

Original poster
JustLyra · 09/03/2022 13:51

We only see my cousin very rarely at family events like funerals. Which was the case at the weekend. And my children weren’t there as I won’t have them near my brother (and I don’t really go to weddings or parties anymore for that reason).

OP posts:
Original poster
JustLyra · 09/03/2022 13:53

Thanks folks

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 09/03/2022 13:55

It sounds like your Nana was a wise lady and could see right through everyone. I’d be so tempted to drop them all.

Sprucewillis · 09/03/2022 13:59

Set them all free. You don't need people like this in your life. Your Nana sounds like a wise and wonderful lady. You do not owe anyone an apology. Your cousin is a disgrace and so is your Aunty for asking.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 09/03/2022 14:01

I would message your aunt back and say that it's unfortunate that this issue has come to a head, but you've put up with years of it. If she could pass her share of the inheritance down to horrible cousin to make it more fair, then you're sure it'll all die down

Nicely put Cats. Your cousin sounds like an arse.

You say its luck that the flat has massively increased in value, I think that balances out the 'luck' you had with your parents, not that anyone can make up for that,please don't think I'm making it about money.

We have a similar situation with my sons' cousin and while it ever so slightly bothers me that my nephew gets more more care and attention from his grandparents than our sons get from them. However, our sons get the care attention from 2 loving parents that my nephew doesn't get so I'm glad the grandparents do that

nearlyspringyay · 09/03/2022 14:02

I would have snapped a long time ago op. What a twat.

kungfupannda · 09/03/2022 14:07

I'd send a brief reply along the lines of "I'm surprised by your message. I wonder if he's told you what he actually said to me?'

If he hasn't, she might dig a bit more. If he has, and she confirms that, then you're seeing her true colours.

HyacynthBucket · 09/03/2022 14:09

I realise that family must mean a lot to you, OP, after your difficult start, but have you considered reducing contact with these nit-picking, troublesome relatives? You deserve better. Can you lessen your ties to them, say your aunt, so that there is no possibility of them trying to bring up the subject of your inheritance.

The message upthread was great about letting your aunt know that this has come to a head now with your cousin after of years and years of his sniping at you, and it was something you had no control over as a child. Then distance yourself, and block him. You sound like a good person who has overcome a lot. You don't need negativity from family members, so move on from them in your head. Flowers

Original poster
JustLyra · 09/03/2022 14:27

I’ve replied back with

^Hi. I’m kinda surprised to receive this message tbh. X was once again having a moan to me about Nana & Grandad not leaving your children, and Aunt’s children, money specifically despite repeatedly being reminded of the situation. After the fourth comment about spending Nana’s money I snapped at him.

I don’t think it was unreasonable to snap at him given he has repeatedly been snappy about situations that I had zero control over. As I made clear to AuntX I will NOT apologise to anyone about my childhood. I was a child.

If anyone should be demanding an apology I think the person repeatedly badgered and who was told that they deserved to be punched would be the more worthy one. I also have no idea why, given we are both adults in our forties, he felt the need to involve you or Uncle.^

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 14:29

Great response @JustLyra!

2catsandhappy · 09/03/2022 14:41

Your Nana sounds amazing and smart. I hope you get to celebrate her on Mothering Sunday.
Your cousin sounds like a brat.