To put up and shut up? OH on OF

[Solsquid]

My OH works alone doing god knows what, he tells me he’s busy doing business but never brings any money home. We’re living in a small cramped place and I’m a SAHM. We’re only married the Islamic way and so are not married in the eyes of the law — he said it was unnecessary.

I got married to him straight after leaving college so I haven’t had a job, etc (he didn’t want me to work and I have no access to his money he keeps control of all of this) and then we had a child who’s disabled so I am the carer of my child who has high needs and attends a special school.

I’ve known for a long time that he’s probably a narc, im manipulated all the time and treated like a piece of shit. I take care of the children whilst he lays in bed everyday of the holidays, weekends, etc. He doesn’t lift a finger, never cooked a meal for the kids, if I have an emergency appt they don’t eat until I return (apart from crisps) Unless I’ve left them food out

I’m sorry, this is too long already. He’s never nice to me, I’m not allowed my parents around, and I have to do as he says or it causes big trouble. Silent treatment and I’m punished. He’s never hit me but the emotional abuse seems to be as bad as it can get.

Anyway he never ever comes up to bed, or will not be intimate with me. He stays downstairs all night on his laptop, if I try and imitate things I get the cold shoulder. It’s knocked my confidence even though I’m young and fit, and I’d say fairly attractive. I’m still in shape and haven’t “let myself go”. I’ve bought it up with him so many times and he tells me off and says he’s playing games, he’s not coming to bed or having a bedtime, if he wants to stay up then he will.

Long story short, snooped on his work laptop, I wouldn’t snoop on anyone and don’t condone it, but I couldn’t understand why he’s treating me so awfully and just needed to see what was going on, so I could get out. There was folders full of naked women, sex pages, he’s created a Twitter account just to post sex content, there’s naked pictures of himself, tons and tons of porn. He’s on only fans paying for pictures of women to cover themself in poo. He has a bunch of profiles saying he was to “dominate and degrade” someone and he’s looking for a “sissy slut” I’ve googled this and it seems to be a man who obeys him? Help me out MN am I right? He has screen shots of sex workers profiles from our area. He’s describing himself as a “very experienced Dom” and he’s even got videos of men going in to the public bathrooms, masturbating then sending it to him. There’s probably more I’ve forgot to mention, the folder is hundreds of images and videos long. Even pics of him in my bedroom and just hundreds of naked women sending him stuff. Some payments are £130+ of the women in the bathrooms having a poo and smearing themself in it.

I can’t go in a hostel as homeless as my disabled child won’t cope. I can’t kick him out of here as it’s not our place we’re staying with his family. I don’t have any family around to turn to and I don’t know what I’m entitled to. I’m scared how I’m going to survive and get by with young children and one being disabled.

What the hell do I do? All the dates and times are him being at work doing this all day , no wonder he’s not making any money. And also all Saturday when he’s told me he’s too busy to be off. And I’m alone taking care of our disabled child and the other little ones. (He told me contraption was a no-no) before I’m slammed further for having his kids.

Typed this up very quickly apologies for typos and bad grammar. I almost feel in denial and maybe I should put up and shut up for the sake of my kids as I have no income and don’t know what il do.

There's very little than can be worst than this situation OP and he is zero loss to you and your children.

Please reach out to women's aid. They will have encountered similar situations and will do everything them can to help you from claiming all benefits you can, housing options, legal advice etc.

Please please please get help to get ut. You & your children deserve so much better. You can do it and you will manage.

@cherrytopcake

Don't blackmail him. Just prepare to leave him secretly. When you're ready, take off - don't get into conversations too much. If you mention the poo/OF/porn etc he could become violent or emotionally abuse you further and stop you from leaving. He sounds like the kind of man who will not let you leave, I mean you can't take contraception, work or see your family? Blackmailing a man like this won't be the answer.

^ this is the right advice, don’t get on his bad side

BUT do keep screenshots in case you ever need them

I would be wary of talking to anyone at the Mosque as when he finds out he will be very angry. I would get Women's Aid to help you and get you a place and you will have some help and try not to worry about too far into the future, first step is getting out without him knowing. Then you will have supports there to help you with the logistics of school etc. You will be put on a housing list high priority as you have a disabled child. There are organizations/charities that will help with furniture etc and you will get a grant towards getting essentials for you home when you get one. Also you will not be alone for the first few months and this will give you time to get used to your situation. Most people who leave usually go back to their abusive partner but you have to stick it out and it will be worth it. So sorry you are going though this and please try to get contraception or do not sleep with him. You do not want to get std's or pregnant now when things are soo difficult. Please just make one phone call to women's aid or to the Muslim women's aid helpline that someone posted as they will be used to this situation that you are in. None of this is your fault at all and you deserve to be respected and have a proper relationship which he is not offering at all.

[quote Solsquid]@Preeeettyprettygood nope. I’m getting Carers and my sons DLA. I don’t get UC.[/quote]
If you were single you would. Child benefit for them all, DLA and carers, how old is your disabled child and do you get high rate of care? There's an enhancement on the TC part of UC if you get high rate. How many children do you have?

And you need a copy of your screen shots somewhere else. Could you send them your Mom? A school mom friend?

OP, please leave him, for the sake of your kids. He is abusing you, emotionally and financially. He is neglecting your children (only feeding them crisps until you're home). Claim every benefit you're entitled to. Does your SEN child have a social worker or EHCP? This may help you to get a council house quicker. Keep the files from his computer that you took as you may need these later on. You can figure out the school run, after school clubs, other parents (parents of your children's friends) may be able to help. Can your local Islamic community help in any way?

@SleepingStandingUp 4 , and high rate

@afizzysweet he does have an EHCP yes. No social worker as I have chosen not to have one and deal with all his stuff myself. I would be able to have one, his sen school have advised me to before so he can access respite but I declined.

So sorry OP. You and your children deserve better than this.

Please organise a sexual health check for yourself, you have no idea where he's put that and what he might have exposed you to.

I’m just worried if I call women’s aid and go in to accommodation etc, he won’t be able to see the children again. What would happen in regards of his contact to them? Because i suppose he could do one of the school runs so I wouldn’t be stuck with the timings. He hasn’t actually done anything wrong to the kids .. just me.

You've got four kids? What number is he? The old tax credits only covers the first two so not sure if he's your third or fourth if you'd get the disability top up.

As an aside, take the offer of respite. DS loves it, they're great, and it will give you time to do some things that aren't suitable for your son with the other three.

No one will stop him seeing the kids, he isn't a danger to them, they need to keep a relationship with him. But you deserve better than to be in this relationship

@SleepingStandingUp he’s my first. He’s almost 9

Thank you, i will have a look in to the respite.

Contact your local authority and tell them you and your disabled child are homeless as you have left an abusive relationship. Contact Shelter for advice on your longer term housing options.

Op I'm so sorry he's treating you this way, it is abuse and you certainly don't have to live like this!
Please give Womens Aid a call, they are brilliant and will offer you advice and support regarding your situation. All the best

he does have an EHCP yes. No social worker as I have chosen not to have one and deal with all his stuff myself. I would be able to have one, his sen school have advised me to before so he can access respite but I declined.

This might be a good time to get in touch with social services, they can offer you some support. He could go to respite whilst you get your ducks in a row and get sorted. Your social worker can help hurry housing along. Calling social services is always really daunting but they are there to support you and your children.
You can keep the respite up too to take the pressure off of you.

You go straight on the phone to woman’s aid, they will sort everything for you! You don’t need a flat deposit or money you need a safe space for a while whilst you think. Don’t let your DH know where you are. Woman’s aid can help rehouse you in a different area away from you DH if that’s what you wish. Please start the ball rolling and give them a call.

He will be able to see your children, he isn't a danger to them (although if he doesn't feed them then they may want to do supervised contact to make sure they're eating to start with, this can be done in public as well as contact centres, usually there's some one floating around in the background to give parents a nudge if needed).

[quote Solsquid]@RadicalFern thank you, I was thinking of attending the local mosque to be honest. But I feel quite ashamed, even though I’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t want to “expose” him. When it told him I found all this stuff he deleted the files. I have quite a bit of it saved on my phone luckily. And he said he was going to kill himself. Which has obviously shut me up. I’m not sure if he’s manipulating me in to being quiet. But I do feel stuck now and isolated.[/quote]
You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. This is a reflection totally on him, not you, and you deserve so much more than this horrible man.
I would second maybe contacting women's aid too - maybe someone at mosque might even have a contact to help you.
You can do this

I would keep proof , phone woman’s aid — they will advise you what order to do things. They will also advise you about timing with regards to contacting social services and the council. With regards to housing- you will be high up priority list for social housing— so the aspect of benefits only covering part of the rent tends to apply much less— it’s private where there’s more of an issue. Your biggest problem is needing somewhere with quite a lot of bedrooms . Seek advice immediately and the good thing with women’s aid is they will have encountered similar before . He’s a loser OP and an extremely sleazy one at that. Far better for you to leave, even if it’s hard initially.

[quote Solsquid]@needingpeace we’re only married islamically we’re not recognised as married by law, so I don’t think I will need to contact a solicitor will I?[/quote]
Do you mean you had an Islamic wedding in this country without registering?

Or you had an Islamic wedding in an Islamic country?

If the latter then you are legally married here as that is a legal contract in the country in which you were married.

Basically do you have any form of marriage certificate? Dowry paperwork?

Why do you even want sex with him? I'd be relieved he wasn't getting you pregnant and trapping you even more.

Find away to get out of this awful marriage to this awful man

@inheritancetrack I don’t now. I meant throughout the relationship he rarely rarely will sleep with me. Which was a reason I went snooping. I just thought he had a very low sex drive or was asexual. the few times he has I’ve ended up pregnant every time.

If I were to tell the council I’m staying in my
Mums 1 bed flat with the children would I still be high priority for a house? Or do I need to be in some kind of refuge. I really want to avoid going in to one.

Get evidence of everything then leave! Please. You don't deserve this life.

[quote Solsquid]@inheritancetrack I don’t now. I meant throughout the relationship he rarely rarely will sleep with me. Which was a reason I went snooping. I just thought he had a very low sex drive or was asexual. the few times he has I’ve ended up pregnant every time.

If I were to tell the council I’m staying in my
Mums 1 bed flat with the children would I still be high priority for a house? Or do I need to be in some kind of refuge. I really want to avoid going in to one.[/quote]
Yes you would be. I have been there and got a council house two years ago.