To put up and shut up? OH on OF

[Solsquid]

My OH works alone doing god knows what, he tells me he’s busy doing business but never brings any money home. We’re living in a small cramped place and I’m a SAHM. We’re only married the Islamic way and so are not married in the eyes of the law — he said it was unnecessary.

I got married to him straight after leaving college so I haven’t had a job, etc (he didn’t want me to work and I have no access to his money he keeps control of all of this) and then we had a child who’s disabled so I am the carer of my child who has high needs and attends a special school.

I’ve known for a long time that he’s probably a narc, im manipulated all the time and treated like a piece of shit. I take care of the children whilst he lays in bed everyday of the holidays, weekends, etc. He doesn’t lift a finger, never cooked a meal for the kids, if I have an emergency appt they don’t eat until I return (apart from crisps) Unless I’ve left them food out

I’m sorry, this is too long already. He’s never nice to me, I’m not allowed my parents around, and I have to do as he says or it causes big trouble. Silent treatment and I’m punished. He’s never hit me but the emotional abuse seems to be as bad as it can get.

Anyway he never ever comes up to bed, or will not be intimate with me. He stays downstairs all night on his laptop, if I try and imitate things I get the cold shoulder. It’s knocked my confidence even though I’m young and fit, and I’d say fairly attractive. I’m still in shape and haven’t “let myself go”. I’ve bought it up with him so many times and he tells me off and says he’s playing games, he’s not coming to bed or having a bedtime, if he wants to stay up then he will.

Long story short, snooped on his work laptop, I wouldn’t snoop on anyone and don’t condone it, but I couldn’t understand why he’s treating me so awfully and just needed to see what was going on, so I could get out. There was folders full of naked women, sex pages, he’s created a Twitter account just to post sex content, there’s naked pictures of himself, tons and tons of porn. He’s on only fans paying for pictures of women to cover themself in poo. He has a bunch of profiles saying he was to “dominate and degrade” someone and he’s looking for a “sissy slut” I’ve googled this and it seems to be a man who obeys him? Help me out MN am I right? He has screen shots of sex workers profiles from our area. He’s describing himself as a “very experienced Dom” and he’s even got videos of men going in to the public bathrooms, masturbating then sending it to him. There’s probably more I’ve forgot to mention, the folder is hundreds of images and videos long. Even pics of him in my bedroom and just hundreds of naked women sending him stuff. Some payments are £130+ of the women in the bathrooms having a poo and smearing themself in it.

I can’t go in a hostel as homeless as my disabled child won’t cope. I can’t kick him out of here as it’s not our place we’re staying with his family. I don’t have any family around to turn to and I don’t know what I’m entitled to. I’m scared how I’m going to survive and get by with young children and one being disabled.

What the hell do I do? All the dates and times are him being at work doing this all day , no wonder he’s not making any money. And also all Saturday when he’s told me he’s too busy to be off. And I’m alone taking care of our disabled child and the other little ones. (He told me contraption was a no-no) before I’m slammed further for having his kids.

Typed this up very quickly apologies for typos and bad grammar. I almost feel in denial and maybe I should put up and shut up for the sake of my kids as I have no income and don’t know what il do.

blackmail him

This is terrible advice. He could become violent if op threatens him.

OK fair enough OP, he's going to be intouble when UC find out you live together

And that's just giving you a heads up if you apply for it

Call the national dv helpline and get a refuge space. Get out of there and be glad you're not legally married.

But I’m not receiving UC? I’m confused. I’ve not said we claim separately. When the tax credits letter comes it’s addressed to both of us. Maybe I’ve said something wrong, but we’ve not claimed as single people for anything. I only receive careers allowance and my sons DLA both which I’m entitled to married or not. @Preeeettyprettygood all he gets it’s working tax credits as he makes jack shit, self employed fapper

Get a refuge space, you can apply for benefits and get your head together and get on the council waiting list for housing. You need that space and support.

Carers allowance* sorry

@JiannaTheWitchQueen

Get a refuge space, you can apply for benefits and get your head together and get on the council waiting list for housing. You need that space and support.

I don’t know how my child with special needs will cope in a refuge space. If I was to try it would social services be involved? I just feel that’s another pressure to worry about.

If you are in receipt of tax credits that's the old benefit system
Does he receive UC?

No SS won't automatically be involved. If you go into a refuge you will be able to get support for a priority place in your LAs housing queue. You could be there a max of two months if you're lucky with what area you live. Or you could be moved to a different LA and a completely fresh start. It might take a little bit longer but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

You're child might find it a struggle. It isn't going to be the most pleasant place. But it will be safe. You will access support with benefits and housing and be far more stable long term then if you try to private rent. Private renting will be a nightmare if you're on UC and not working. Most landlords want professionals not carers.

Give the DV national helpline a ring or arrange for them to ring you at a set time so you can get out the house to take the call and get yourself and your dc out of that situation.

I don't think I've ever recommended anyone get out and get a refuge space before but I feel really concerned about your safety OP. Gather up your paperwork and restart your life.

I'm getting confused myself now, so is he on universal credit or not?

@Preeeettyprettygood

I'm getting confused myself now, so is he on universal credit or not?

Sounds like he made a claim and is getting both their money.

Please speak to Woman's Aid and your local council.

I completely understand your worries regarding your SEN child ( I have one myself) but this will be short term, long term benefits significantly outweigh this!

Also, given his lack of 'parenting' plus how he treats you, it's definitely worth thinking about how a child with set thought patterns will internalise this behaviour - the longer it's left the harder it will be to change these thought processes and they may think this is completely normal and go on to live a similar life.

It is not my intention to upset you I'm thinking more that if your main reason is adjustment for the children (the financial side will be fine as you will claim UC as a singe parent plus disability benefits) then it is in ALL of their best interests for you to leave.

Here is a ink to benefits calculators www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

Get proof of everything online and use that as your bargaining tool!! In other words, blackmail the fucker!! I'm betting he wouldn't want his family or community knowing he likes to watch poo porn!!

This! In spades!

I'm understanding it as they don't claim UC if there is tax credits, the 2 are completely different benefit systems, tax credits will be eventually phased out and everyone switched to UC.
Some benefits are paid separate and alongside UC which is what I think is the case here
If OP leaves and claims UC as a single parent she will still receive some old benefits and also UC

Op as pp hsvr advised do call woman's aid. They'll be able to advise you on all your issues.

I wouldn't blackmail him at least not until you are far away from him and somewhetr safe. Good luck. It sounds like a horrible situation but the quicker you can get out of this the better. It will only get worse with time.

OP is likely in area that’s still in the old system of housing benefit and tax credits? Not a areas have moved over to UC (I’m still on the old system), she can put in a new claim when she moves out but this could take a while, the council maybe able to offer temporary accommodation if they have any, again it depends on what area she is in, I know my council is doing a lot more to help DV victims.

I’m just shit scared of not having a pot to piss in and my children won’t be in a stable home when i can’t afford to put anything on the table.

You're not in a stable home now and your marriage won't survive regardless of what you do. So starting over on your own will happen anyway, the question is when? Wouldn't it be better to arrange this on your own terms? I'd like to see you leave right now for your own mental health, but can also understand if you take some time to arrange all the help you can get first. Please call womans aid as a start.

Make a list of what you need, which information you need and where you can get it. What benefits are you entitled to? Can you get housing near schools for all of your children? Do you have a friend who can help? Even if it's just practical stuff like temporary store items that you need to start over. You might be able to get some stuff for free at freecycle or ebay.

It's normal to feel out of your depth of where to start. It doesn't matter, just start planning and you'll get there. Even if you just start listing your problems, then you can try to solve them one by one. You're not the first and won't be the last. And mumsnet is here to help you with your questions, use it.

You really need to call womens aid and ask for their help. As i understand it they can help find you somewhere to go.

On the benefits issue. If there is a tax credits joint claim, all you have to do is set up an online account - government gateway - to see what it is you get. There will be child tax credits as well as possibly working tax credits. If you cannot create a government gateway ID, you can ring them and give them your details i.e national insurance number, d.o.b, kids names and d.o.b ect. If your child is on DLA, there will be the disability element of child tax credits which pays more, and the severe element If your child is on the highest care rate, again pays more.

You can cancel that joint claim unilaterally online or over the phone, just update them you are no longer together. Then you make a claim for universal credit. You will not be asked to look for work as you are on carers allowance. Don't panic about being without whilst you wait for the claim, you can get an advance which only takes a couple of days, and also you can access the discretionary assistance fund under the leaving domestic abuse criteria. That is a grant which will help you. Feel free to message me if you need help finding the forms ect online or have questions.

Deep breath. You can do this.

You have to leave him.

For the sake of both you & your children, free yourself from this abuser as soon as possible. Nobody deserves this and he will only get worse.

Start taking the contraceptive pill in secret and hide it so he doesn't know. You DO NOT a want to have more kids with this man. Even though it sounds like you aren't being intimate, I would still get the pill and take it when he isn't around. Speak to a pharmacist where you can buy the pill without a prescription.

Secondly, you need professional help to leave this man. You can't live like this. Start researching where to go with a disabled child. It's a good thing you aren't legally married, would be a lot harder to leave him if you were! You can do this, you're stronger than you think you are.

@Notanotherwindow

Get proof of everything online and use that as your bargaining tool!! In other words, blackmail the fucker!! I'm betting he wouldn't want his family or community knowing he likes to watch poo porn!!

This! In spades!

This

Realistically: get screen shots/photos & save them on the cloud

Leave with your DC, to your mums for 1 night then get a refuge space, you will be a priority for housing by LA due to your sons disability

Be glad you are not married so you can get away from him

Don’t involve his family or the mosque: they will pressure you to stay with him but he is no husband to you

Don't blackmail him. Just prepare to leave him secretly. When you're ready, take off - don't get into conversations too much. If you mention the poo/OF/porn etc he could become violent or emotionally abuse you further and stop you from leaving. He sounds like the kind of man who will not let you leave, I mean you can't take contraception, work or see your family? Blackmailing a man like this won't be the answer.

[quote Solsquid]@RadicalFern thank you, I was thinking of attending the local mosque to be honest. But I feel quite ashamed, even though I’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t want to “expose” him. When it told him I found all this stuff he deleted the files. I have quite a bit of it saved on my phone luckily. And he said he was going to kill himself. Which has obviously shut me up. I’m not sure if he’s manipulating me in to being quiet. But I do feel stuck now and isolated.[/quote]
Thats pure manupulation telling you hes going to kill himself.

Please ring Women's Aid and talk to someone as a first step. You will not be any worse off financially as you will have a place for you and your children to stay in until you can be rehoused. You need to do this now and do not let him know you are thinking about it. Delete all history from your phone after you talk to them. Start organizing and sorting paperwork, passports birthcerts etc clothes and essentials that you will need and try to have them hidden in bags here and there so they will not look like you are planning to leave but just clothes you can say are to be washed or too small if he finds them. Nothing could be worse than this as this is not a life for you to have and your children. He is controlling and does not spend time with you and the extreme porn addiction he has which has most likely crossed over into meeting others for sex and threesomes and probably engaging in sex with men also. Do not sleep with him as you risk giving yourself an std or worse. Keep ringing women's aid and one day hopefully soon they will have a room for you and your children and they will offer support and help for your disabled child also. Please do this as this is no life for you to be living and he is a waste of space. Find the courage if not for you but for your children. Please take the advise from the women on here as many of us have been through similar situations and you will be happy again and have peace of mind.