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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner won’t speak to me because I called my ex

74 replies

Nikki037297 · 09/03/2022 11:27

Me and my ex have a child together and he sees his child once a month as he works away, I rarely speak to my ex and when I do it’s just text messages to arrange for him to collect his child. Last week I called my ex to tell him our child got the school place I applied for and how happy she was. He said that was fabulous news and that was the end of the conversation besides he’s home in 3 weeks can he pick daughter up then.
My partner asked me to day if Iv heard from my ex lately I said I called him last week. Told him exactly what was said and that he’s picking up my daughter in 3 weeks…. Well now 2 weeks. Now my partner hung up the phone, text me told me he’s pi$$ed off with me for talking to me ex! I said it was about our child that we have together! He’s even more in a mood I didn’t tell him exactly at the time… I don’t see at all what I have done wrong! Me and partner have a child together and I’m pregnant. Was it wrong or me to call my ex for the couple of minuets that I did to share to good news of our child? Or is my partner being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 09/03/2022 14:18

You don't live with him which seems to be a bonus.

Stop apologising, Tell him you'll speak to your ex about your shared child as often as you feel is necessary.

How much is your 'partner' (he doesn't sound like much of one) involved in your shared child's life?

1forAll74 · 09/03/2022 14:20

What an immature prat you have there. are you not allowed to speak to the postman ,or some delivery man either.

AlternativePerspective · 09/03/2022 14:30

Hang on, you already have a child with this man and you’re pregnant? Can I ask why you don’t live together?

Given you’re pretty much a single parent anyway given you don’t live together I would just get rid of him.

There is a lot of evidence that abuse increases when the woman is pregnant, and it seems that this might be the case here.

Get shot of the twat. And tell him you’ll organise visitation by text because any new partner you have won’t like it if you talk. Obviously the last bit is tongue in cheek but seriously.

Newestname002 · 09/03/2022 14:41

@Nikki037297

You don't live with him which seems to be a bonus.

Thank goodness. I hope you don't have any immediate plans to move in with him - you need space and time to consider whether this is the right man to go forward into the future with. He is controlling you now and you seem to accept it:

my partner doesn’t usually mind as long as he’s there and involved and can see and hear it all

You do see he is controlling you? 🌹

Onlyforcake · 09/03/2022 14:49

Adding to the "he's a controlling arse". I have a whatsap group for me/ ex and husband where we keep each other up to date on kid related things but I absolutely wouldn't hesitate to phone for something specific. I certainly wouldn't feel the need to "report in" and my husband has never complained about any time I've spent with my ex without him (very occasional coffee whilst waiting on a child together or even 'gasp' at a bar after eldest was in a play). Because he knows it's parenting time and all for the benefit of the kids. Not some jolly. But then, i suspect if for some reason I wanted to socialise with my ex he wouldn't moan. Because he trusts, respects and knows me well! There's a problem there.

BlingLoving · 09/03/2022 14:53

It seems unlikely to me that this is the only time he is jealous and/or controlling. Does he not like it when you go out with girlfriends (certain ones or in general)? Or perhaps he has issues with your family? Does he quiz you about male colleagues?

He is being a complete prat. I mean, even if you had a nice long chat with your ex, the only way that would be hugely inappropriate was if the chat was about how much you still love the ex or about your relationship with your current partner.

You are slipping into a place where you feel you have to justify and reassure him. But you don't. Because he's being completely and totally ridiculous.

Original poster

Nikki037297 · 09/03/2022 15:05

I have never said I didn’t live with him of course we live together have done for 6 years. He was on the phone to me because he was on his break at work and always calls me on his break and that’s when he asked if Iv heard from my ex, usually when he asks it’s just to see when my child is going away for the weekend or when she’s not going so we can plan things on his days off we are always out with the kids, theme parks, zoos, swimming, so I think that’s why he mainly asks when is my child going to be here when is she not.

He’s just sent me a huge text apologising and saying how sorry he is and how he blew it all over the top. He has been a huge part of my child’s upbringing since we got together when she was very young and then we’ve added another child into the family and are expecting another.
He has been having a bad time at work with working so much over time some days 14 hour shifts then only home for 6 hours then back at work again but that’s not at all my fault and no reason what so ever the way he’s went on with me because I spoke to the father of my child

OP posts:

BlanketsBanned · 09/03/2022 17:25

Tell him that then, whats he going to be like when you and your ex actually get together for your childs major events.

PattyMelt · 09/03/2022 17:33

Are you sure he wasn't trying to "test you" Does he have access to the dash cam, could he have checked it and saw you had spoken to your Ex? Was he hoping you'd done more that chatted about Dd's school?
At least you know now he's an arse and not partner material.

TurquoiseDragon · 09/03/2022 17:45

@PattyMelt

Are you sure he wasn't trying to "test you" Does he have access to the dash cam, could he have checked it and saw you had spoken to your Ex? Was he hoping you'd done more that chatted about Dd's school? At least you know now he's an arse and not partner material.

I wondered that too.

OP, he may have apologised, sort of, but in reality he is showing you his true colours, and you need to stop making excuses for this behaviour.

As others have said, this is controlling behaviour, and all the sulking was designed to push you into apologising for daring to call your ex.

The only reason he "apologised" is because you refused to back down. He is jealous that you can communicate civilly with your ex.

my partner doesn’t usually mind as long as he’s there and involved and can see and hear it all

Yep, it's about controlling what contact you have with your ex. You should never apologise for maintaining a civil relationship for the sake of your DD.

Quite frankly, I agree he's not partner material.

whynotwhatknot · 09/03/2022 18:14

sorry that doesnt explain why you said earlier as long as hes there and can see and hear it all

so hs ok with you talking to you r ex as long as hes n the room

GrazingSheep · 09/03/2022 18:31

He doesn’t sound like a keeper
How old is your daughter?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/03/2022 18:32

Show him this thread

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 09/03/2022 18:39

I think he has spy software on your phone, he has seen this thread and that's why he has launched this massive apology.

If he only let's your talk to your ex when he is there, why would be apologise, he clearly thinks you are n the wrong.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 09/03/2022 18:40

I’d be telling him if he carries on like he is and you leave him, does he then expect you not to phone him to discuss your children in the future?

Bad time at work or not, sorry or not, he doesn’t get to dictate who you talk to. And especially not when it comes to your child’s father.

Peachynessa · 09/03/2022 18:43

He is being so unreasonable! This is a massive red flag and a clear sign this man is not for the long term. You called your ex about your child not just for a friendly catch up

cabansunset · 09/03/2022 18:52

Massive red flag.

Thus is very unhealthy, controlling behaviour! I hope you aren't too involved with this man
(Mortgage, children etc.) please plan your escape route you're going to need it.

TurquoiseDragon · 09/03/2022 21:59

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

Show him this thread

Not a good idea. This is OP's safe space, and showing him the thread could backfire on OP. We get called bitter and twisted as it is, by abusive people trying to cut support to those in need of it, like OP.

Original poster

Nikki037297 · 10/03/2022 06:28

He does have access to the dash cam as we have two cars and each drive both cars and both have dash cams. Last night after work he said it’s because I kept it a secret from him and he worried something was going on because I have a past with this guy….. I did have a past with him of course I have a child with him but this was years ago, I said it was absolutely no secret! I talk to many people during the day when he’s at work, my mum, sister, friends, teachers at school, I didn’t see the need to report back and tell him who I talk too and what I say unless something interesting is said then I say omg guess what such and such said……
He seamed better this morning before work. But I feel extremely pushed away now and told him last night this is pushing me away hugely!
But the more I think about it yes he does like to be involved in what ever I’m saying to my child’s father, when her father comes to collect her if I go outside to take her out and speak to him in my drive way he likes to be there, they chat too, they get along ok to be honest they have the same car and talk about that a lot and have swapped and sold things to each other over the years to do with the car. So I don’t see why the sudden issue yesterday because I had rang my ex and said our child got her school place for September.
I do feel very distant from him now and worry this is not going to get better, we have a son almost 4 and I’m 10 weeks pregnant. We have been together 7 years living together 6, Iv not seen this sort of behaviour before, it’s a very pathetic behaviour and childish that my partner stopped speaking to me because I had a conversation with my ex about our child. The more I read that to myself the more insane it sounds that a grown man would do that

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 10/03/2022 06:34

I can not believe this is the first time your partner has been a controlling arsehole. The fact you are questioning wether you are in the wrong, suggests you haven’t realised that your partner is a controlling, immature, petty man baby. Hopefully, his childlike behaviour will be enough for you to realise that he’s an idiot and you could do better.

Weatherwax13 · 10/03/2022 06:41

Is this the only occasion he's been controlling and possessive? I'm not surprised you're feeling very distant from him. You've alarm bells ringing.
Look after yourself.

Thingsdogetbetter · 10/03/2022 06:57

Things I see as controlling:

Calling you every work break = checking up on you and making sure he knows where you are and what you are doing. What happens if you're busy and don't answer?
Always going out to 'chat' to ex if you do at handover = pretending to be friendly so he can check up on what's being said because he doesn't trust you and wants to mark his 'territory'.
Insisting that he is aware for all contact with ex immediately = doesn't trust you to be honest about what is being said or that you and ex are conspiring against him.
Asking frequently if you've spoken to ex = believes he has the right to know exactly who you have talked to about what. And pretending it's because he needs to know dc arrangements - surely you'd tell him what affects him anyway so why the need to ask?
Thrown a sulking temper tantrum like a toddler because you spoke to ex and haven't begged his forgiveness for it when he got mad.
Blame his mood on you -" you make me act like this"
Big longwinded apology when his sulk didn't work so has changed tactics. Did he take responsibility for his actions and mood or continue with it being your fault but he's sorry you got upset?

maddening · 10/03/2022 07:06

What Googlecanthelpme put is definitely what you need to say to your partner.

HELLITHURT · 10/03/2022 07:26

Is he 14? He's being pathetic!

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