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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday grudge AIBU

29 replies

Appleofmyeye05 · 09/03/2022 08:07

My mum and I don’t have the closest of relationship, it was my 30th last year and I didn’t get anything from her. I know it’s not about gifts but a card would of been nice to know I had been thought of. I had mentioned it to her and she just laughed it off.

It’s her birthday this week, AIBU to do the same for her 🙃

OP posts:
CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 08:10

Up to you. No one is owed a birthday card.

Whatterywhat · 09/03/2022 08:12

That's really sad but like the PP said it's entirely up to you.

WhiteXmas21 · 09/03/2022 08:16

Whichever makes you feel better - ignoring her or carrying on as normal.

I have had the same from a close relative, and when I reciprocated by ignoring her birthday, got a sharp reminder. I just said ‘ I assumed we weren’t doing cards these days ‘.

Look after yourself.

Justilou1 · 09/03/2022 08:17

My mum was notorious for that… also for trying to “organize” expensive gifts for my brother at my expense and then take all the credit for it. I did the same for her, until she was dying of cancer and I organized a surprise 70th birthday party for her. I flew from the Netherlands to Australia and her lifelong friends flew thousands of km to get there. My brother blew in late, skipped out on the bill and she tried to give him credit for her party. Luckily her friends hate him and wouldn’t allow this. She forgot my birthday again the last year she was alive, but I’m still glad I did this one last thing.

Original poster
Appleofmyeye05 · 09/03/2022 08:21

I know I am being petty and that her actions shouldn’t encroach on who I am. I just thought it was very poor of her.

Maybe it’s time to go NC as I’m feeling like she’s messed with my feelings and worth for the last time.

OP posts:
PeakyBlender · 09/03/2022 08:22

I never send cards apart from Mother's Day. Do whatever you like

AperolWhore · 09/03/2022 08:24

It’s extremely sad and the fact she laughed it off shows her true colours. I would go no contact and have some breathing space from her, her reaction to you going no contact will either confirm your reaction or give you chance to try and repair the relationship x

Babyghirl · 09/03/2022 08:35

@Appleofmyeye05
No your not being petty, I would not give her a anything even better I would not even call her up on her birthday and if she phones you to remind you just say oh god I forgot but hope you had a good day, not even happy birthday.

But in all I would go nc with her see how much your life changes and how happier you will be.

Thisbastardcomputer · 09/03/2022 08:38

I wouldn't send her anything, she can then see how hurtful it is.

Clenchyourbuttocks · 09/03/2022 08:39

Ignore the old bat.

MissyB1 · 09/03/2022 08:41

Sometimes you do have to treat other people how they treat you. She might need a taste of her own medicine.

NameGoesHere · 09/03/2022 08:42

Ignore her…. If she can’t bother, why should you.

Gilly12345 · 09/03/2022 09:01

Do you and your Mum normally give presents and cards for Christmas and Birthdays or did she just ‘forget’ your 30th.

Maybe ‘forget’ her Birthday and treat her as she has treated you.

Bonheurdupasse · 09/03/2022 09:03

Ignore her...as PP says, don't even call her on her birthday.
But actually if she calls you, don't pick up. If you want to return her call do it the next day.

In the long term it sounds like you're better off going NC.

Ponoka7 · 09/03/2022 09:07

If it would improve your self worth by going NC, do that. I stayed in contact with my abusive, toxic family in my 20's and it did a lot of damage to me. You don't have a normal relationship with her and it's her whose set that. If you can't get a level of honesty out if her it's going to chip away at you. It's always suggested that you allow yourself to grieve for the Mother who you deserved but never had. It is her, not you.

Ponoka7 · 09/03/2022 09:09

The problem with playing games is that she'll win. Parents, especially Mums, have the advantage of our wanting an attachment. I found confronting the behaviour was the only way to keep me sane. I was LC with mine because I stupidly let my DC get to know her.

TricksAnd · 09/03/2022 09:29

Was it to do with something else? We're you not seeing her because of covid? Was she not able to get out to buy a card? Did you do something else with her for your birthday?
Do you give her a card and gift every single birthday?

Our family is quite random with card giving and birthdays but no one minds.

Christmas1988 · 09/03/2022 09:35

I’d get her a cheap card just so I could have the moral high ground, it’s much better to feel like the bigger person.

My sons grandparents forgot his birthday, so for mother’s days it’s going to be the cheapest card I can find and a cheap potted plant, then I can feel smug about being better than her 😁 petty I know!

Original poster
Appleofmyeye05 · 09/03/2022 09:59

@Christmas1988 that’s actually a really good idea. I think if I didn’t I’d be left feeling bitter and possibly wondering if I should have chose a different course of action. But the cheapest card sounds great.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/03/2022 10:16

I feel for you Op. I have a very distant relationship with my mum, not through my choice. I usually get a birthday card from her, although she has forgotten several years. It does hurt when your own mother doesn't acknowledge your birthday.
Even worse when you have to sit back and watch her be the best mother in the world to your sibling. She can be that mother. Just not to me.
I had to find the simplest non-gushing mothers day card online to send. I have made an effort & so can't be criticised. This was for my own peace of mind
Do what you feel is right for your own self preservation.

Chely · 09/03/2022 10:17

A text will do

Justilou1 · 09/03/2022 12:06

Make sure you abbreviate it.
Dear M,
HBD,
X A

CharlotteRose90 · 09/03/2022 12:08

It’s actually my birthday today and I’ve come to that realisation. I do everything possible for people’s birthday and no one does anything remotely nice for mine. I’m no longer spoiling people anymore. A card and gift card will do.

Original poster
Appleofmyeye05 · 09/03/2022 12:09

@CharlotteRose90 a big happy birthday to you lovely 🎁🎈

OP posts:
JohannesInHighHeels · 09/03/2022 12:10

My local Card Factory shop sell 10 cards for £1. That's the next 10 years sorted at 10p a pop!

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