How much time do you spend with your DP on average in a two week period? and how long have you been together?

LoganberryJam · 09/03/2022 07:28

I think it is absolutely reasonable to want to go out and do something together once a month, and it seems surprising to me that your DP thinks that staying at home and watching TV is comparable. I'd be quite hurt if he didn't want to do that with me (unless money is very tight).

Doing a regular activity together is a bit different.... my DH and I have different hobbies and I can't really think of an activity we'd both enjoy.

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 09/03/2022 07:35

Do you relax together at home - as in actually watch the same TV programme together, not sit in the same room but watching separate screens? Do you eat meals together without using separate entertainment devices during the meal (whether or not it's also with children - after all a martial arts class is with random strangers and you're classing that as time together)?

We watch "box set" type serieses together and eat one meal per day as a family at the table with whichever children are home, so we don't "do an activity" together but it's genuine time together, doing the same thing, without it being a big faff. I work shifts so its not every day but about 4 days per week we spend at least two hours actually together eating or watching something. Then we go for a medium length walk (about an hour and a half) together on average once per week - sometimes one of the teens comes too, sometimes not.

We have teens who still hang out in the living room and eat meals with us when home, so its not 1:1 alone time most of the time but its a reasonable amount of time.

Perhaps it would be more satisfactory for both of you to just re-think how to make time at home together higher quality rather than having to go out to an organised club, class or activity together especially if one of you doesn't want to go to a class/ group.

Lastqueenofscotland · 09/03/2022 07:36

Quite a lot.
We do parkrun together every weekend, go hiking a lot- once a week in winter and then also summer evenings. Go out for food 3/4 times a month. Go for a beer in the locals 2/3 times a week
Will make an effort to cook a really nice meal once a week too.
Go to cinema/theatre/gallery etc type trip once a month

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 09/03/2022 07:43

Oh you asked how long we've been together - 22 years. About ten hours per week actively together doing the same thing without being distracted by devices but as I said mostly in the house with one or two longish walks pwr week together.

We do keep saying we should go out for meals now the kids are older and it's no problem leaving them but we got out of the habit once we had kids as we have to drive to any restaurant from where we live, plus never had a babysitter when they were little. Honestly its really the need to drive that more off-putting for going for a meal.

Aprilx · 09/03/2022 07:47

We go swimming together once or twice a week, we don’t go out to eat very often. Most of our time together is at home, I consider that time together. Been together 18 years.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 09/03/2022 07:49

We have one to two evenings a week watching TV together. Get out together every few months, and a weekend away once a year. Try to have a special adults only dinner once a month.
Been together 15 years, married 12.
But have two kids and he works the opposite end of the country!

AuntieMarys · 09/03/2022 07:58

Been together 7 years. We eat out a couple of times a week, do a 7 mile walk weekly, go to gigs/ theatre regularly. We have separate hobbies too ...but we do a lot together. In our 60s.

ChoiceMummy · 09/03/2022 08:05

@Coteeee

I dont mean the living together time and milling about. I mean quality time. Im reality testing against real life, kids, sports, friends and busy job - Im missing my DP and would like more time together.... When Ive thought about what id actually like its:

I seem to want to have something that we jointly like doing together. Thats maybe an hour a week. We tried taekwondo (bad idea when you have to spar with each other lol) or maybe something that we have in common that we plan to go do together - liked campervaning and planned a tour. We could have lots of chats and ideas and laughs about organising it

I also seem to want to have time at least once a month were we go out - whether that be a meal, concert, walk in the park, just a couple of hours where our shoulders are relaxed and we can laugh together

My DP thinks we spend all our time together to start with as in we live together.

So in a nutshell you wish to have a weekly event and a once a month when you go on a date of some sort.

I suppose that's not unreasonable if you don't have young children or have childcare options and have the time/finances. But, if your oh doesn't wish to commit, then you need to try and need to find a compromise between yours and his pov. If you can't, then you may need to think more carefully about what you want out of your relationship.

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 09/03/2022 08:12

Been together 14 years, we have 2-3 nights a week watching box-set/film, we try to have occasional 'date' nights in like we did during covid and once every couple of months we get a night out together. At weekends we spend lots of quality time together, walks, outings etc with DD(6) there too.

edenhills · 09/03/2022 08:13

We watch TV together almost every night. At the weekend we usually have some beers and quality chat after the kids go to bed. We rarely go out because we don't have a babysitter so treat Friday nights as our date at home night. We don't have any hobbies together or apart. Been together 24 years and very much still happy and in love.

Bagelsandbrie · 09/03/2022 08:16

Been together 14 years. Both our Ds and myself have disabilities. I am absolutely exhausted by about 9.30pm. Dh works full time. We watch an hour or so of TV together every night and chat when he gets in from work. We do stuff together all weekend with Ds (aged 9- we also have an older dd at university, dhs a step dad to her, she lives away). We don’t have any family help or babysitters so we never get a break and consequently we never have any date nights or go out alone together. To be honest neither of us care, we’re quite happy with the way things are. Our lives are very busy and stressy so we don’t have the energy for much else! We’re affectionate though and always tell each other we love each other every day.

Flatandhappy · 09/03/2022 08:21

Coming up for 35 years DH and I do pilates together 2-3 times a week, when he started coming it felt strange as it had been "my thing" but now we both love it. We tend to eat out together a couple of times a week, maybe one lunch, one evening. We are sitting outside with a glass of wine at the moment (I'm Mnetting as he has just had to take a work call) as he is just back from work and was telling me about his day. We are not big tv watchers but have some series we like so when they are on we would watch an episode together most nights. We have always enjoyed each other's company though and our kids are now adults so I tend to join DH on work trips every month or so (COVID allowing). If I were you I would want to do stuff too, not just be together. That gets dull after a while.

Orangesox · 09/03/2022 08:24

Been together 17 years, married for 6.

We incorporate our time together into our routine rather than allotting set events as “our time” . We try to walk the dog together most days even if it’s just her shorter walk (with me doing the big one in the morning), and we usually go for a long walk on a weekend at least once where we’ll stop at a local farm shop or cafe for a drink and a bite to eat or a snack (anxious puppy permitting). Evening meals are always minimal screens where possible and sat at the dining table with no tv so we talk about our day. Rare that we “go out” now owing to said puppy and the fact that up until freedom day, I’ve been working my socks off in a busy public health role that has involved on call duties every evening and weekend. We’ve never really been “going out” people though, we tend to order in a nice meal from a local restaurant or cook something particularly special, and maybe enjoy a new film together in the house where we can pause as needed and wear pyjamas .

We have completely separate hobbies: DH is into computers and music and will happily spend all weekend tinkering around with a new pc, or helping run his friends record label with us at least a paid hobby. Mine are primarily based around a ladies country club that I’m a member of - I go to various shooting weekends, trade/exhibition events, and have a lesson with my shotgun instructor once a month. Literally chalk and cheese - I’m happy to spend a weekend helping DH with a project like cabling the house with CAT5 Ethernet cable, but he would rather shoot himself than spend a weekend carrying my gun slip and cartridges in the cold weather.

Ragwort · 09/03/2022 08:35

Married 35+ years - we don't have any shared hobbies, apart from walking but even then my DH is much fitter than me and enjoys a proper hike whilst I prefer a walk round a country park with a tea shop. . We spend a lot of time together just due to the fact that DH WFH and I work part time ... but we rarely go 'out' together, we have completely separate friendship groups and I am more involved in community type events than DH is.

Personally I prefer a lot of 'space' and don't want to be chatting, sitting with or spending tons of time together .

Quamora · 09/03/2022 08:51

We watch box sets together for 1-2 hours 5 or 6 nights a week. That’s it. It’s shit. By the time we’ve got younger children into bed and have tidied up though all we feel like doing is sitting in our pyjamas.

I’d like a meal out every couple of months and some evenings where we open a bottle of wine and play a board game. It’s just making the effort to do that really. Meals out are slightly harder because he think they’re a waste of money so they’re never as enjoyable as they would be with someone else who loves eating out.

housemaus · 09/03/2022 10:00

We've been together 8 years - we go out to eat a couple of times a week, usually one night in the week I'll meet him in town after he's finished work and we'll go out to eat, and then one weekend day we'll get late breakfast somewhere with the papers.

I think you and your DH are both being reasonable, though - you wanting to go and do a date-type activity is totally reasonable, and your DH saying that time spent in the home just doing your normal 'life stuff' can absolutely be quality time too.

DH and I tend to spend a pretty big proportion of each day in one another's company though - watching an epsiode of something together, keeping each other company while the other has a bath (), just chatting over our day if we've been in separate places that day while we fold washing or clean the kitchen or cook. We talk about things that are important to us and laugh and debate things etc during these times the same way we would during a more defined 'Quality Time' activity. When DH was unable to work for a year because he was ill and I was on permanent WFH because of covid, we barely left the house for a year because a mix of money/pandemic, and I wouldn't say we lacked quality time even though we never did anything date-y. On the flip side, I was very glad when we could go out and do stuff like that again, so I definitely understand why you'd want to - just maybe think about the time you spend together at home as nice too, rather than just functional.

Obira · 09/03/2022 10:08

We have 1hr a day when we get home from work and eat dinner as a family. Then one of us has to do kids bedtime while the other relaxes. At weekends we eat breakfast together then one of us has to babysit the kids while the other enjoys their life.

We don’t watch tv together because we have different tastes - for example I want to watch Emily in Paris and he wants to watch Ice Road Truckers. We don’t have shared hobbies any more because we can’t both be out at the same time, someone has to babysit the kids. We often joke it would be easier to get divorced and date other people, because that’s the only way we’ll ever be able to go out alone with a partner.

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 09/03/2022 12:46

Obira surely you can all do things together? Why are you both alternating "babysitting" instead of just getting on with life as a family at weekends?

Obira · 09/03/2022 13:00

There’s no point in both of us suffering! One person babysits while the other enjoys their life doing child free activities. Then we swap.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 09/03/2022 13:02

Been together 19 years and married 6 years.

My answer is 'as little as humanly possible' 😂😂😂😂

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 09/03/2022 13:03

Obira being with your children is suffering? Is that I wind up? Everyone needs some time to themselves and I've never asked anyone "why did you have children if you didn't want them?" before, but really? So I assume you're exaggerating for a joke?

Obira · 09/03/2022 13:20

Obira being with your children is suffering?

Go to a coffee shop alone and relax with a drink and a magazine, vs chase after toddler who won’t sit still, play colouring in, wipe noses and spilled drinks.

Watch a film with adult content alone vs be forced to watch mindless cartoons with kids and pestered with toys every five minutes.

Go out with your real friends vs go on play dates with some annoying woman who happens to have a kid for your kid to play with.

Eat lunch alone at a nice organic cafe vs a child friendly cafe which serves chips and is full of screaming kids.

Go for a walk alone and enjoy the scenery vs listen to your child whinge “I’m tired” and then you have to struggle to carry them.

Sorry but being with kids is NOT enjoyable. We didn’t know how awful it would be and by the time we found out it was too late. So we share the misery, one person does the miserable kid stuff while the other enjoys their child free life. Which means we are rarely together. If we were together then neither of us would be able to enjoy their life at all.

lifeuphigh · 09/03/2022 13:38

Obira that's so, so sad. I don't really know what else to say.

OP, I started a thread recently about DH wanting us to have several weekends away together each year. I think he would relate a lot to your OP!

I tend to feel that living together equates to doing stuff together, partly because we are very intentional about things like having breakfast together, not looking at our phones in the evenings after a certain time, etc; and also because our kids have some of the same hobbies as us so your point about doing something that you can relax and laugh together once a month, well, we do that every weekend, but we do have 3 small people with us!

We don't have the childcare to go out alone once a month but we've started organising at home 'date nights' twice a month, we each have one to organise. We try to make them a bit 'different' so it's not just a fancy meal every time, though we have done a meal a couple of times.

Been together almost 20 years.

BlingLoving · 09/03/2022 13:41

Ifyou're living together, are you spending time together at home eg watching tv, cooking/eating, hanging out etc? Because if so, then I think it sounds like you have a compatibility issue - he is happy for quality time to be at home while you want to be out and about doing things together. If you don't spend time together at home either, then it's still a compatibility issue, but a different one - where he doesn't want to really be with you.

DH and I don't have time to do a lot of things together out the house - between the kids, our respective jobs (and to save money we work in ways that means we don't have to pay for much childcare), general life, we don't do much together out of the house in a formal way. But we have a constant and ongoing dialogue (I just stopped typing for a few minutes because DH rang to discuss something with me), make an effort to enjoy each other's company etc. Works for both of us.

SIL and BIL on the other hand have a constant battle - they both like going out occasionally together and try to do it regularly. but at home, she just wants to relax and he wants them to basically DO everything together at home - cook, eat, watch tv etc. Drives her crazy.

lifeuphigh · 09/03/2022 13:41

Also I should say that I don't think your wants are at all unreasonable. How did you meet; is there anything you could do together (maybe not a martial art ) that you used to do together in the early days?