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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my DSis is being a bit ignorant here?

50 replies

parabalabalabala · 09/03/2022 00:09

My DSis called me earlier to let me know she's been offered an amazing job that she's worked hard so get. It's fab, I'm very proud of her and very happy for her.
She then said that a downside was that her childcare vouchers will go down as she's going to me a higher rate tax payer. She then went on to complain that her DH doesn't get tax free childcare as he earns over 100k. And moaned about paying for BC and ASC four days a week (they could get away with just ASC but prefer the DCs to go in early). It's unfair that they need to spend £80 a week on childcare (obviously more in the school holidays) and no longer get any government help.

Now DH and I are fine money - wise, at the moment anyway. No debt, can pay our bills, and have steady jobs. But between us our gross pay is under half that of my DSis and her DH. And she knows this. We have two DCs so pay for some wraparound care and holiday clubs. We'd rather not have to but that's life.

AIBU to think that my DSis is being tone deaf about how well her and her DH are doing financially and that complaining about fairly minimal childcare costs to someone with waaaaaay less income than you is, well, a bit rude??

OP posts:

FBIAgentRossi · 09/03/2022 00:25

Someone always has it worse than you so then no one would ever be able to complain. Where would it end.

ouch321 · 09/03/2022 00:30

Yeah she's being a twat

Original poster

parabalabalabala · 09/03/2022 00:34

@FBIAgentRossi

Someone always has it worse than you so then no one would ever be able to complain. Where would it end.

I know. And I don't agree that people can't complain about stuff because someone somewhere is inevitably worse off than you.

But this felt a little bit "read the room" when our incomes are so vastly different but we have similar childcare costs!

OP posts:

fourandnomore · 09/03/2022 00:39

Yeah she’s being a knob but you are also in a privileged position so it’s all relative. Her situation has changed and she’s allowed to comment on it but I see why it feels annoying. My sister in law was once moaning to me about the difficulty of having to juggle work to pay for their £1million + house. It annoyed me but then I thought well, we all make our own choices and only mine are my concern.

userusing · 09/03/2022 07:16

In a way I get it. You try really hard to work hard and take the opportunities that come but then your taxed so heavily in the middle you think what's the point.

DH doubled his salary this year the difference a month to us is £1k it's a lot yes but we lost all child benefit and student loan is now taking so much it's practically a months childcare costs.

Arabellla · 09/03/2022 07:19

YANBU, she sounds like a twat. Could you not just say something jokingly next time like ‘we earn half that and make do, you’ll be fine’?

Stop being so sympathetic, she’s lapping it up.

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 09/03/2022 07:20

She’s tone deaf.

And if she’s going to a new employer she may find she won’t be able to get childcare vouchers at all. They are closed to new entrants. If her DH earns over £100k they wont be able to access the tax free childcare scheme either which came in in place of vouchers. I know this because I have just had to look into all of this on changing jobs.

Arabellla · 09/03/2022 07:20

@userusing

In a way I get it. You try really hard to work hard and take the opportunities that come but then your taxed so heavily in the middle you think what's the point.

DH doubled his salary this year the difference a month to us is £1k it's a lot yes but we lost all child benefit and student loan is now taking so much it's practically a months childcare costs.

Would he go back to his old salary? So what’s the point in complaining? Taxes are a part of life.

Lesperance · 09/03/2022 07:54

@userusing

In a way I get it. You try really hard to work hard and take the opportunities that come but then your taxed so heavily in the middle you think what's the point.

DH doubled his salary this year the difference a month to us is £1k it's a lot yes but we lost all child benefit and student loan is now taking so much it's practically a months childcare costs.

You don't get it. Some people work really, really hard, take the opportunities and still don't have loads of money.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/03/2022 08:00

Yes I agree I think she needs to think about her audience. Yes everyone is entitled to moan but it's a bit insensitive if you do it to someone with that same specific problem, but worse, than you

Clymene · 09/03/2022 08:03

@userusing

In a way I get it. You try really hard to work hard and take the opportunities that come but then your taxed so heavily in the middle you think what's the point.

DH doubled his salary this year the difference a month to us is £1k it's a lot yes but we lost all child benefit and student loan is now taking so much it's practically a months childcare costs.

World's smallest 🎻

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 08:06

I think my sister wouldn't have even mentioned the salary implications.

Hilda40 · 09/03/2022 08:15

Not ignorant but insensitive.

Onlyforcake · 09/03/2022 08:21

She is being a twat yes. If she really resented the childcare costs they could manage on one wage. So it's just a moan for the sake of moaning about something. She sounds like hard work.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/03/2022 08:22

Whilst I would never complain about it, as I agree it's tiny violin time, I think people who don't earn this kind of money would be extremely surprised at the often quite small actual disposable income difference between large salaries and low salaries. By the time tax is taken off, plus the costs involved with getting high salaries (for example my exhusband was a surgeon - the insurance, cpd and membership costs he had to pay were astronomical), plus the fact that you get nothing free - you would be very very surprised at how little extra money they do have.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 09/03/2022 08:25

If it happens again I would lightheartedly offer to swap household incomes, say if she agrees you will happily pay her childcare costs.

Changechangychange · 09/03/2022 08:27

She can use the tax free childcare scheme instead… as long as neither of them earn over £120000. If they do, then yep they can probably afford the full cost of childcare.

Jvg33 · 09/03/2022 08:32

I understand what your sister means. We are just over the threshold due to promotion and about to lose child benefit. Some households will be earning a significant amount more and in the same situation.

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/03/2022 08:52

By the time tax is taken off, plus the costs involved with getting high salaries (for example my exhusband was a surgeon - the insurance, cpd and membership costs he had to pay were astronomical), plus the fact that you get nothing free - you would be very very surprised at how little extra money they do have.

I think it’s disingenuous to suggest someone on £100,000 has little extra money than someone on, say, £40,000. Yes the tax burden is higher in many ways but you’re still talking about taking home over £5k per month rather than £2.5k per month. While there may be professional fees involved, they are tax deductible. Generally the lack of disposable income is because folk on the higher salary have bought a more expensive house, better car, pay school fees etc so lifestyle choice stuff.

I think the OPs sister was insensitive.

Original poster

parabalabalabala · 09/03/2022 08:52

@Jvg33

But their combined income is about 170k! They are not "struggling". I know what they do with their time and the kind of thing they spend their money on as I'm close family. They live a very nice life. I don't begrudge them that at all, but alongside the nice things come essentials such as childcare which, once you earn that much, really shouldn't be subsidised by the state anymore.

OP posts:

lemongreentea · 09/03/2022 08:59

it sounds like you do begrudge them their lifestyle and not sympathetic to her perceived problems

arethereanyleftatall · 09/03/2022 08:59

@Jellycatspyjamas
Can I ask if you've ever had a salary in excess of £100k?

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/03/2022 08:59

Yes. Everyone is entitled to moan, but you need to pick your audience. If she keeps it up find a simple non confrontational way to say that, and then change the subject going forward.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 09/03/2022 09:02

It's a very privileged complaint. The whole idea that they've earnt it by working hard too, people can work hard for years and years and still barley earn enough to cover the basics.

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/03/2022 09:07

You can @arethereanyleftatall, I’m not about to post my salary here but I’ve been in some extremely well paid posts, with all the tax and professional fees and CPD that entails. It was pre-kids so childcare fees weren’t an issue but I was paying for post-grad qualifications out of pocket, which wasn’t cheap by any means.

I was still considerably better off then than I am now, having taken a significant step back to care for my two kids with complex additional support needs. Yes I may get help with childcare, but my disposable income is significantly less than it was 8 years ago before my salary dropped.

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