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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DSis is being a bit ignorant here?

50 replies

parabalabalabala · 09/03/2022 00:09

My DSis called me earlier to let me know she's been offered an amazing job that she's worked hard so get. It's fab, I'm very proud of her and very happy for her.
She then said that a downside was that her childcare vouchers will go down as she's going to me a higher rate tax payer. She then went on to complain that her DH doesn't get tax free childcare as he earns over 100k. And moaned about paying for BC and ASC four days a week (they could get away with just ASC but prefer the DCs to go in early). It's unfair that they need to spend £80 a week on childcare (obviously more in the school holidays) and no longer get any government help.

Now DH and I are fine money - wise, at the moment anyway. No debt, can pay our bills, and have steady jobs. But between us our gross pay is under half that of my DSis and her DH. And she knows this. We have two DCs so pay for some wraparound care and holiday clubs. We'd rather not have to but that's life.

AIBU to think that my DSis is being tone deaf about how well her and her DH are doing financially and that complaining about fairly minimal childcare costs to someone with waaaaaay less income than you is, well, a bit rude??

OP posts:
TravellingFrom · 09/03/2022 09:09

She isnt just tone deaf.

She isn’t even aware of her privilege.
I’m afraid I would have answered something along the lines of ‘yes, that comes with deciding to have children. They are expensive’

TravellingFrom · 09/03/2022 09:14

@lemongreentea

it sounds like you do begrudge them their lifestyle and not sympathetic to her perceived problems
Nan….

It’s not being jealous and having some issues with their income to point out that
1- complaining that you are not receiving HELP from the government when you are earning well well above the average wage in the U.K. is being a twat.
2- complaining that you have to pay for your own childcare and how hard it is to someone who has much less money than you but is still paying for the same childcare than you is never a good idea. Reading the audience helps!

Even though I’m not sure she would have complained in that way if she had been talking to someone with the same income than them as a family tbh.

RobotValkyrie · 09/03/2022 09:31

She reminds me of able-bodied people complaining they can't park in the disabled bay and have to walk a few extra yards as a result...
Does she also whine about her kids not qualifying for free school meals?

tkwal · 09/03/2022 09:43

Your SIL is BVVU

Mrsweasleysclock · 09/03/2022 09:58

In scenarios like this, I think it's important to remember that everyones problems are real to them. I do understand what you're saying about being tone deaf or reading the room but I think if we simplify this, she was just having a moan to her sister about something that was bothering her, as I'm sure you would also have a moan to her if something was bothering you.

It may seem like a non problem from your point of view but I don't think it's fair to minimise that she does see it as an issue.

Me and my sister have a huge difference in lifestyle, my family are struggling reletive to her family who are very comfortable and financially stable. But, she's my sister and if she is willing to listen to me moan then I am also willing to listen to her moan. It's a two way street. I can't always relate, but that's not the point really is it.

Arabellla · 09/03/2022 10:03

@Luredbyapomegranate

Yes. Everyone is entitled to moan, but you need to pick your audience. If she keeps it up find a simple non confrontational way to say that, and then change the subject going forward.
Exactly this, complaining about a doubling of your salary at a time like this is poor taste. Fine on a thread for high earners.
FabulouslyFab · 09/03/2022 10:12

Perhaps she thought that if she could complain to anyone it would be her own sister? Perhaps she didn’t expect to be judged by her sister?

Oneborneverydecade · 09/03/2022 10:19

My MIL is just like this. She recently told me that she's happy she surpassed her expectations of a 3 bed semi (they recently sold their home for 1.something million). How lovely, except she obviously knows we live in a 3 bed semi with no immediate chance of moving

JingsMahBucket · 09/03/2022 11:05

@Mrsweasleysclock

In scenarios like this, I think it's important to remember that everyones problems are real to them. I do understand what you're saying about being tone deaf or reading the room but I think if we simplify this, she was just having a moan to her sister about something that was bothering her, as I'm sure you would also have a moan to her if something was bothering you.

It may seem like a non problem from your point of view but I don't think it's fair to minimise that she does see it as an issue.

Me and my sister have a huge difference in lifestyle, my family are struggling reletive to her family who are very comfortable and financially stable. But, she's my sister and if she is willing to listen to me moan then I am also willing to listen to her moan. It's a two way street. I can't always relate, but that's not the point really is it.

This is a really excellent perspective. Thank you @Mrsweasleysclock.
LimeSegment · 09/03/2022 12:29

I see this both ways, what she said was a bit tone deaf, maybe she cringed as it came out of her mouth. On the other hand, as pp said, only with your sister can you share all your pettiest, most embarrassing, weirdest and unreasonable complaints with. Her and mumsnet of course.

Calandor · 09/03/2022 18:27

You're also complaining about how much less money you have than her even though you say you're comfortable. She's your sister, can she not have a moan to you at least about the piss take that is childcare costs?

Clymene · 09/03/2022 18:32

@Calandor

You're also complaining about how much less money you have than her even though you say you're comfortable. She's your sister, can she not have a moan to you at least about the piss take that is childcare costs?
Most people pay less for their childcare than their cleaner. Not really a pisstake.

Whether it should be government subsidised though ...

stripeyflowers · 09/03/2022 19:07

Yes, OP, that would really annoy me.

ThirdElephant · 09/03/2022 19:08

It's a humble brag.

TheMagpie · 10/03/2022 02:45

Privilaged people complaining about more privilaged people? Neato.

@Clymene
Of course childcare ought to be subsidised. It's a necessity, not a luxury, children need adequate and stable care and early learning and socialising.

The thing is, childcare is expensive and it's usually working parents who require it more. The working parents who are either single or both parents are working also tend to earn less - which is why nobody can be home. I'm disabled and mentally ill, I can sleep up to 20 hours a day - being at home doesn't even mean adequate care if I'm alone.

Graphista · 10/03/2022 03:31

Haha

I'd have said something like

"My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT."

What an idiot!

Especially with everything in the news at the moment!

She's welcome to manage on my income which is around £1600 a month total. And I'm doing better than others - I'm well aware of that. It's a low income but I only have myself to sort dd is adult now. I've been on lower with higher outgoings when dd was little.

There are unfortunate people THIS clueless and worse in govt who think people like me are the greedy ones!

WTF475878237NC · 10/03/2022 06:13

If you're on about £80k a year I'd say you're a bit tone deaf complaining here too Confused

belle40 · 10/03/2022 06:20

She's completely tone deaf. I have a colleague who is the same. We both earn quite good professional salaries but I am a single parent with no help from the father and no local family so money is a bit of a juggle. I manage but we live in a very small house, I drive an old small car etc. My colleague has a husband who has a huge income (exceeds 100k), huge house, drives a 4 x4, 2 children at private school etc. Still constantly moans about how her salary 'barely covers the school fees'. I just smile and nod...

needingpeace · 10/03/2022 06:24

I used to have a friend like this. Constant moaning about how poor they were while driving around in a Porsche, sat in her detached 5 bed house.

AgentJohnson · 10/03/2022 06:28

It’s all relative. When my salary first increased, there was a time when the increase was a lot less than the benefits I lost and the initial sting was tough going. However, if you would rather your sister censor herself when communicating to her less well off sister, then you are going to have to say so.

MiddleParking · 10/03/2022 06:33

Most people pay less for their childcare than their cleaner.

What are you on about?

Morph22010 · 10/03/2022 06:49

I’d love to be able to pay childcare costs but my child has asd so there’s no suitable childcare! Trying to sort things with no available childcare is a whole lot harder

Kingharoldshairstyle · 10/03/2022 07:21

I also don’t really agree that because she earns more than you she can’t complain about child care costs. I get you’re very sensitive about thr disparity in your incomes and how much more they earn than you and your husband but I don’t think this means she can’t whinge about the astronomical cost of child care.

She’s clearly not aware you’re envious of her or sensitive about it, so didn’t see any reason she couldn’t have a bit of a rant.

Original poster
parabalabalabala · 10/03/2022 10:46

@WTF475878237NC

If you're on about £80k a year I'd say you're a bit tone deaf complaining here too Confused
I haven't said we're on 80k? Nowhere near that. I just said that at the moment we don't have any particular money worries ie we can live within our means.
OP posts:
userusing · 10/03/2022 14:50

@Arabellla you don't know anything about the circumstances of my comment though do you?
You don't know if I lost my job and we have been surviving on credit cards for the past few months. You don't know what DH earns either.

For example you lose all child benefit at 60k, as soon as one person earns that. You start losing it at 50k so both of us could earn £49,999 and bring home £99,998 and keep all of the child benefit yet one person (which may be your only household income) earns 60k you get no child benefit.

Regarding if we'd go back to his previous income yes if we could have afforded it he wouldn't have been looking for another job he was happy, it was local and the hours weren't long with little traveling his new job is the complete opposite.

I think you were too quick to judge

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