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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP BU or am I?

54 replies

IsNothingSacred1234 · 08/03/2022 22:10

DP and I have been together for 8 years and have young DC. I have a DD (16) from previous marriage. She’s been going through a hard time lately and we’ve been watching a crappy US series for an hour a night as a bonding thing.

DP got in a huff tonight because we were watching it for the fourth night in a row. We have another room he could watch TV in, or he could read, do work whatever.

We’ve just had a row because he feels that we should watch something we can all watch together every other night. I think he’s being a bit controlling and that it wouldn’t bother most people, they’d just find something else to do for that hour.

OP posts:
Nightlystroll · 09/03/2022 02:58

So the bonding is just for you and your daughter and not for her stepdad?

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 09/03/2022 05:34

@user1471517900

I wonder what the replies would be great if the husband was watching football with his 16 year old son 4 nights in a row while telling his wife she could simply sit alone in the other room....
So not the same.

He sounds a bit pathetic. There are 2 sitting rooms.

My husband watches football in the spare room cos he's not a dick as he knows he is the only one in the house who likes it.

He always finds things to do if we are watching something he doesn't like. I actually watch MAFS 4 nights a week. He either watches something else in the spare room, or does other stuff. He doesn't moan and say I feel left out.

Your dd is more important right now. Especially as you both see that 1 hour as special.

rwalker · 09/03/2022 05:45

$ night in a row then what about tomorrow night will it be 5 I'm with him

Weatherwax13 · 09/03/2022 05:51

One hour a day spent with a child who's having a rough time could turn out to be a great investment of your time.
If he can't understand that a child needs a bit of time and bonding with her mum when they're feeling vulnerable he's a bloody idiot.
It's one hour ffs.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/03/2022 06:14

I used to do this with my DDs when they were teens. It was a great way of doing something together. My DH didn't mind at all because he is not a dick. He just went and watched something elsewhere. An hour each evening is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Watchkeys · 09/03/2022 06:27

@IsNothingSacred1234

He’s more than welcome to watch it but doesn’t want to… I want to watch it with DD, we have two sitting rooms so he can watch something else if he chooses to. He just doesn’t want to sit on his own basically.
He wants you to take care of him rather than your daughter. That's childish of him.

But... do you care about how he feels? Or do you just care about being right? If your relationship was healthy, he wouldn't feel like this, and even if he did, the two of you would have a chat about it and work out how to both feel ok.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/03/2022 06:42

The idea that a teenager can't have a difficult time and need parental attention - for one week! - without an adult man trying to elbow in and demand that mummy give him her attention too, is just a bit ick. It makes him sound like a jealous toddler.

What would you do if one of the DC particularly needed him for a while? Get on with some housework? Relax by yourself?

Trying to insert yourself between them and demand attention from him, to the detriment of the child, seems an unlikely choice.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 09/03/2022 06:43

@rwalker

$ night in a row then what about tomorrow night will it be 5 I'm with him
Can't you cope doing something on your own for an hour every night?
humblesims · 09/03/2022 06:51

He just doesn’t want to sit on his own basically
That sounds bizarre to me. Who usually decides what happens in the evenings?

lunar1 · 09/03/2022 06:55

He sounds like a big baby. I'd find him completely suffocating.

Walkingalot · 09/03/2022 06:57

Is he petty and controlling otherwise? Why can't he be normal and sit there and play on his phone like other blokes, lol.

MinnieMountain · 09/03/2022 07:02

It’s one sodding hour.
DH and I typically spend an hour doing different things in the same room, then an hour watching something together.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 07:27

I think YABU actually. You say you have younger children. What time do they go to bed?

The evening isn't very long if you're doing younger childrens bedtimes then tidying up, on your own for an hour then going to bed ready to be up for work the next day.

Could you compromise and have family evenings then he takes the little ones out on Saturday morning so you and DD have a binge catch up?

labyrinthlaziness · 09/03/2022 07:29

@IsNothingSacred1234

He’s more than welcome to watch it but doesn’t want to… I want to watch it with DD, we have two sitting rooms so he can watch something else if he chooses to. He just doesn’t want to sit on his own basically.
He is being a twat, sorry.
SMabbutt · 09/03/2022 07:39

How many more episodes are you going to be watching on a nightly basis? You can't keep doing it forever so when does this nightly expectation that he sits through something he doesn't like or leave the room to be on his own every night end? If you have other young dc I'm guessing you don't start watching until after they've gone to bed. While I understand you need to be supporting your dd but if it means every night from 8 to 9pm then I do think it's a bit much. Is there much time after for you to do something together after it finishes and would you all want to sit and watch another programme aftewards anyway. Perhaps cut it back to every other night and then your dd can have alternate nights bonding and enjoying time with both of you.

ChiselandBits · 09/03/2022 07:43

Assuming the adults don't go to bed until 11ish, there's plenty of time for other things one hour out of, what, 6? Assuming a 5pm most people home from school etc? My tweens monopolise the living room til they go to bed. I either listen to the radio in the kitchen or sit in there with a book / mumsnet. To the pp who said 'only bonding with mum, not stepdad', it's a 16 yo girl and her mum. I'm sure the SD is great (though this post suggests selfish man baby) but if she's having a tough time, she needs her mum. Why can't SD deal with the younger ones...that would occupy him.

BoldMove · 09/03/2022 07:43

Its ine hour a night not all night. He needs to get over it. Watch it the other room. Je needs to grow up.

Momicrone · 09/03/2022 07:51

Maybe when the series ends find something you all like, it's a shame you can't all watch stuff together

Shoxfordian · 09/03/2022 07:55

Is he always this clingy?

ChiselandBits · 09/03/2022 08:34

What is it that you're watching that's so awful he can't bear to be in the room?

Herja · 09/03/2022 08:41

It's one hour! I can happily spend an hour just staring into space if I get the chance. Hardly like you're banishing him from the family. YANBU!

TempName01 · 09/03/2022 08:48

The time you are giving your daughter is precious and very important, he is being pathetic.

SartresSoul · 09/03/2022 08:49

I’m probably sensitive about this but my abusive step-dad hated it when my Mum and I actually got along and had fun together. He went crazy when we sat watching TV together, said we were making too much noise laughing and he wanted to go to bed (at 8-9pm on a Friday). I hated the bastard but yeah, it reminds me of that and I wouldn’t stand for it at all. You’re having a nice time with your DD who needs support, don’t let him try to prevent this.

TempName01 · 09/03/2022 08:53

Also, he should give you the time alone with her to bond, and be happy to do so!

Byefornow · 09/03/2022 08:55

Is he in charge of the small children when you’re watching tv? Maybe that’s his problem unless they’re in bed.