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Original poster

I think I fucked up

41 replies

LittleMisfortune · 08/03/2022 01:42

Hi everyone whose awake at this time,

As the title suggests I think I've fucked up.

I have a DS whose 14 months old and in February I suddenly got the idea that I wanted him to have a sibling as my dh and I are the youngest of our families and I didn't want him to be alone after we had gone and I wanted him to have a special bond and a forever friend (I know this is unrealistic genuinely don't know what came over me).

I told my husband how I felt and we started to TTC straight away as I'm very overweight and thought it would take awhile and I wanted a close ish age gap.

Once my ovulation week had passed it's like I suddenly woke up and was happy with only having one child, thinking of all the holidays we could go on etc etc and kind of forgotten about having another child and was finally content with it.

Of course fate, the universe likes to have a laugh at us and my boobs started to hurt (first sign I had with DS) so I took a pregnancy test and of course it's positive (at 12dpo so hoping it's not twins Grin).

I genuinely don't know how to feel about it on one hand we are comfortable, late 20s, own our home and have decent jobs (although I start mine next week

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 08/03/2022 02:28

🎉 Congratulations!
You haven't fucked up. I think questioning if you've done the right thing at the right time when you get a positive result is very common. I certainly had it, all 3 times. It's probably just a bit of a shock that it happened so quickly. I'm sure you're worries will calm down once you've got over that shock.

Hellorhighwater · 08/03/2022 02:29

Oh dear, there’s such a lot there. Take some time. It’s an awful lot to take in and process, and 2am is never a good time.

FWIW, I don’t think there is a good time for a sibling, but it’s what’s right for you. I have an only and she’s super-lonely, but that’s because she’s her. Many children are fine with it. Is there someone you can really talk it through with and get all your feelings straight? I’d definitely need to brain-dump if it were me!

cuno · 08/03/2022 02:43

No judgement from me.

I don't agree that abortion is unfair if you were trying for one at the time. If you wanted to proceed with an abortion, that would be your absolute right. Mistakes happen and that includes lapses of judgement.

The situation sounds difficult but not impossible, if you really want a second child you can definitely make it work. Unfortunate about the timing with the new job, but you and your partner sound otherwise very financially secure and able to save loads before the baby is due. You would be eligible for maternity allowance as well, I am sure.

Plenty of people are overweight and have multiple children without problems, I don't see the huge concern unless you are more than just overweight or have other underlying health conditions.

The garden sounds like a bit of a non-issue... like how bad is this garden? My garden is pretty bad but it's not something I would ever think to factor into a decision to have more children or not.

No-one knows how to look after having two children until they have two children. Going from one to two isn't an easy transition though.

The main logistical difficulty I can see is the care needs with your mum. But even without any difficulties on paper, just the mere feeling of "I fucked up" is perfectly valid enough and I think that is the main difficulty here regardless of what you have going on.

As you asked, I fell pregnant at a really bad time. I lived in a one bed flat, my partner didn't even live with me, it was at the beginning of the pandemic, I had no savings and stuck in a job I had been trying to leave, my partner had just lost his job. It somehow got worse while I was pregnant (worsening pandemic situation, high risk pregnancy, discriminated against at work which went to tribunal, made homeless). I remember my midwife telling me lots of pregnant women are in similar situations, but it somehow works itself out once the baby arrives. I managed to save up a good amount while on maternity leave, moved into a three bed house with my partner two weeks before the baby was born, and I later won my legal case against my employer. Everything kind of fell into place when my daughter was born and I am looking at buying a house in the next year or two if things go to plan.

That's not to say it was all easy, but it wasn't the catastrophic failure I imagined and I am happy I chose to proceed with the pregnancy. I can't imagine not being a mum today.

I think you need to take some time to think it over and come to the right decision for you.

BookFiend4Life · 08/03/2022 02:48

Give it a couple days OP, on top of everything else your hormones are probably raging right now, you have some moments of fierce joy ahead of you! You will feel better very soon. Congratulations!

SpidersAreShitheads · 08/03/2022 03:09

I fell pregnant accidentally. I didn't want to be with the person. My family were hundreds of miles away. I had a big mortgage to pay. My maternity package was utter dogshit. I was working very, very long hours. I was on my own.

In short, I couldn't have fallen pregnant at a worse time, or in shittier circumstances. Well, I could, but it didn't feel like it to me at the time! I was so distraught.

I went to have a termination, found out it was twins, couldn't bring myself to do it (no judgement from me, by the way, for anyone that does). I continued with my pregnancy and they were born at 32 wks.

12 years on, having my DC was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm not saying it was all easy but oh my goodness, I'm so grateful it happened. Shit works itself out.

If you can do one baby then you can do two. There will be difficult days, but life doesn't have to be perfect. Even the job situation, it's not the end of the world. If you want to continue with your pregnancy then you can work this out, just cut yourself some slack. It's not a massive fuck up. And also, you're not wrong - although it can be hard when they're very little, as they grow up it will be lovely to have two who are close in age.

Congrats ❤️

moonbedazzled · 08/03/2022 03:17

I think it's very common to make a decision and then panic in the face of it. But you know how much you love the one you've got? That's how much you'll love the next one. It'll be more time-consuming with two, obviously, but you'll adjust and your children will, hopefully(!) have a friend for life. I love my sibling and I'm so glad mum had two of us.
Congratulations. You'll do fine.

Notallcatsarenicecats · 08/03/2022 03:57

I think you're just nervous because its actually happened.

I have a 13month age gap, not planned but most amazing thing I've ever done. They're both same sex and they play so nicely together. They also fight but that's normal. Haha.

I'm sure you'll make it work with everything else. If you can handle having one child, you can two. Going from 0-1 was the hardest thing I ever did but 1-2 was much easier as I already had established a routine and no2 just slotted in nicely to it.

You'll be fine. Flowers

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 08/03/2022 03:58

Oh that happened to me ever time I got pregnant with 2,3 and 4!!! I changed my mind (or at least, it felt like I’d changed my mind) but I obviously went ahead. And it was amazing, everytime. Give it time. At the scans you’ll feel differently. Your reasons for a sibling are still very valid!

Feather12 · 08/03/2022 04:17

Isn’t this how everyone feels when reality (and hormones) hit?

PinkNails1 · 08/03/2022 05:12

My db and I have a tiny tiny age gap. Our parents were younger than you and they found it really tough. We fought incessantly as dc but we are close. My df and her sister have a similar age gap. They rarely speak and have never been close. You can’t guarantee the “special bond” you hope for.

I’m not overweight so I can’t offer you any advice on weight. However, if you’re overweight/obese then you can talk to your doctor and midwife on how to lose weight safely. For your benefit during pregnancy and childbirth and beyond.

Also no judgement if you want a termination!

workworkworkugh · 08/03/2022 05:20

I had similar feelings with my third DS.
We decided we wanted a third, I went off contraception and we had sex only once or twice. Days afterwards I said to DH that I think we've made a mistake and we should wait a while, Lo and behold I was already pregnant.
I cried when I found out and days afterwards.
A few emotional weeks later and I was so happy to be pregnant. I think it was just hormones and we are so happy to have DS3.

booplefloof · 08/03/2022 05:20

Hello! Honestly, I think a lot of people question things when they realise that they are pregnant.
Small age gaps aren't a big deal, actually, I preferred it and DV 1&2 are now teenagers who are very close

With regards to your weight, now is not the time to do anything about it but you can make some healthier choices about what you eat.

Can you talk to someone in RL about losing your dad?

I don't think you fucked up, but I do think some self care wouldn't go a miss...

Good luck OP

ThirdElephant · 08/03/2022 05:56

No time is the best time. I had an 'Oh no, what have I done?!' panic when I discovered I was pregnant with my second too. It wore off.

DoobryWhatsit · 08/03/2022 06:22

You can't go through with this pregnancy as some sort of "punishment" because it was "your fault". There's no cut off point where women stop deserving an abortion. 12dpo is super, super early. If you'd be happier sticking with one child, then you don't have to have another.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 08/03/2022 06:24

The way I see it is no time is perfect amd even if it is the 'perfect' time for some ! Congratulations =) My own youngest was a very suprise suprise I was on the pill and I struggle to conceive. My eldest is Send and I didn't want anymore until she was much older and settled and at the time she was very hard work, the relationship with exh was bad my mental health ect. You roll with it and make it work. Good luck op you're going to smash being mama of 2 =)

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/03/2022 06:27

I think 2 - 2.5 years is a great age gap. I also think its normal to want a baby in theory then start panicking that you've somehow destroyed the older childs life by giving them less attention etc! Remember your baby will be completely different when the baby is born, on the way to talking and toilet training etc which is hard to imagine now

crossstitchingnana · 08/03/2022 06:30

When pregnant with my second I remember having the blues and feeling panicky. I recall thinking "what have I done? I have a 2.5 year old who is talking and out of nappies and here I am going to square one." I felt really scared I had done the wrong thing. That lasted a few weeks then passed. By the time she arrived I couldn't believe I had ever felt like that. I love her as much as my first and it all worked out ok.

BloodyN0rah · 08/03/2022 06:31

Hi Op, I hope you got a good nights sleep. Everything you’ve said is fixable, you’re just looking at it through a rubbish lens at the moment. Having 2 close together is really tough sometimes but it’s also really lovely.
Just try to deal with one issue at a time, don’t worry about the garden for now, just look after yourself and stay healthy and take as much help as you can from family and professionals.
Also, you’d changed your mind about TTC when you got pregnant, you may well have changed your mind back again in a month or two- it wasn’t necessarily your final answer.

Darbs76 · 08/03/2022 06:34

You’ll be fine OP. As others have said give it a few days and you’ll feel differently. Having children 2yrs apart is fairly standard for many, for me my smallest gap is 3.7yr and my biggest almost 11yrs. I had to wait until DS2 was in school before could have DD or was about to start school and because he’s an August baby I have 4 school years between DS2 and DD which I think is too much. But it’s fine, all age gaps work out, I’m jealous of people with small gaps as you get it done and dusted. I’ve been doing the school run Confusedfor 24yrs!!

MsFrog · 08/03/2022 06:37

This exact thing also happened to me, although I didn't have to care for a parent. But I had instant regret after a planned pregnancy. The first time I terminated the pregnancy;
the second time I considered it again and I even had a consultation and got the medication. I didn't terminate, but I needed psychological support to get through the first 12 weeks. I'm just sharing because I think how you feel is really common and whatever decision you make will be the right one x

Flipflopssndsocks · 08/03/2022 07:02

Oh and water and herby teas or biscuits will do nothing g to your supply compared to just taking milk from the breast by baby or pump. Milk removal drives supply and yours will already be robust as you have fed before snd are feeding successfully now.

kittensinthekitchen · 08/03/2022 07:11

I'm ruling abortion out as it seems really unfair to have one when the baby at the time was planned.

Unfair to who? To what?

Don't let that thought affect your choices. If you want an abortion, speak to someone about having one?
Likewise, if you want to continue the pregnancy, you'll manage.

What is your partner thinking?

notacooldad · 08/03/2022 07:24

I had a massive wobble with Ds2.
I wondered what on earth I'd done, what about ds1 etc.

We went through some very dark times financially ( due to a particular set of circumstances) but we got through it. I never ever regretted Ds2 despite that initial ' of fuck, this is real' feeling' you are going through.
Ds2 is now 22 and makes me laugh and smile every day!

Good luck OP whatever you decide to do.

Morechocmorechoc · 08/03/2022 07:28

You clearly want two close together and that's what you've got. It's going ti be really hard for a couole of years, but then it's going ti be si awesome you'll be so glad you went through the tough bit. Congrats OP, enjoy it.

Lovemusic33 · 08/03/2022 07:39

I think it’s just the shock as you were not expecting it to happen so quickly, really though…having 2 isn’t a much different than having one. I had dd2 when dd1 was 22 months old, dd2 just slotted in, she was pretty easy going compared to dd1. I’m glad I had them close together as they have grown up close. They are now 18 and 16.