I think I fucked up

[LittleMisfortune]

Hi everyone whose awake at this time,

As the title suggests I think I've fucked up.

I have a DS whose 14 months old and in February I suddenly got the idea that I wanted him to have a sibling as my dh and I are the youngest of our families and I didn't want him to be alone after we had gone and I wanted him to have a special bond and a forever friend (I know this is unrealistic genuinely don't know what came over me).

I told my husband how I felt and we started to TTC straight away as I'm very overweight and thought it would take awhile and I wanted a close ish age gap.

Once my ovulation week had passed it's like I suddenly woke up and was happy with only having one child, thinking of all the holidays we could go on etc etc and kind of forgotten about having another child and was finally content with it.

Of course fate, the universe likes to have a laugh at us and my boobs started to hurt (first sign I had with DS) so I took a pregnancy test and of course it's positive (at 12dpo so hoping it's not twins ).

I genuinely don't know how to feel about it on one hand we are comfortable, late 20s, own our home and have decent jobs (although I start mine next week

Similar thing happened to me OP (had a temporarily really positive phrase, tried to TTC and fell pregnant, then realised it probably wasn't the best idea at that time - same age gap too!)

I went on with the pregnancy and had the child who is now much loved, but having 2 small children and all the other stresses in my life nearly broke me and my marriage in the first few years of her life. It's a time I look back on with great unhappiness and realise it's quite significantly shaped my future life.

I would think very long and had about what your life will look like day to day with 2 small children and everything else that is going on. I don't know how "amenable" your DS is, but imagine your new baby doesn't sleep, has disabilities, gets ills a lot ... How much support will you genuinely get? How strong is your marriage? I don't agree with the "unfair" bit of abortion - I think it is significantly more "unfair" to bring a child into the world knowing the impacts that might have both on yourself, your DH, your existing child and the new one. Actually I think it's a much braver decision to realise that bringing a child into the world is less than ideal.
Only you can make that decision of course and I wish you all the best with making it.

Why would you think they would be mandatory forever friends with a special bond?

I know some people who do have a special bond with all sorts blings, others who have a bond with one but can’t stand the other(s), and others again who would rather stick forks in their eyes and get a lobotomy than be in the same room as their sibling(s). It’s a complete roll of the dice, not a given.

Well you said you've ruled out abortion so there's nothing to say really! Congratulations you're going to be a mum of two!

Everything will work out in the end. It generally doesZ

Abortion is fair.
You need to be sure you want to be pregnant, give birth & take care of a baby, then two children & all that entails both emotionally & physically.
It's of utmost importance that all children are wanted!

I should have said that’s my experience of peoples so bling relationships as adults, as kids siblings are generally close, it’s later when they become their own people rather than when young and as attachments of a parent that the the adult relationship forms/becomes apparent whatever that may be, either good or bad.

I had 3 under 3 ,
It was fine
You can manage one baby ,you can manage two
Honestly it’s not difficult,you just let things go that don’t matter

@Notallcatsarenicecats

I think you're just nervous because its actually happened.

I have a 13month age gap, not planned but most amazing thing I've ever done. They're both same sex and they play so nicely together. They also fight but that's normal. Haha.

I'm sure you'll make it work with everything else. If you can handle having one child, you can two. Going from 0-1 was the hardest thing I ever did but 1-2 was much easier as I already had established a routine and no2 just slotted in nicely to it.

You'll be fine.

Me and my sister have a 13 month age gap too. Best age gap ever. We were fiercely protective of each other at school (and still now actually at 37 and 38!!) she is my best friend and always will be.

No judgment here. My eldest was around the same age when we found out I was pregnant again. We had also only just started trying again on the assumption it was going to take a while.

I think it is fairly normal to immediately think holy sh*t what have I done. Take a deep breath, give it a couple of days to sink in and see how you feel.

You were right that it is a good age gap between 2 siblings too.

Also don’t joke about twins. I got twins. We had 3 under 2. I might have waited a bit longer if I’d known it would be twins. On the flip side they are an amazing little girl gang of 3 and are absolutely totally worth it.

I haven't rtft op but I fell pregnant 13 months after having my first. It was planned and we managed fine.

I also fell pregnant first time in between my job interview and starting my new job and while it wasn't ideal, it was also fine. I told them as soon as I started (had no choice really as was v sick) and there wasn't really much they could do but they were lovely about it. I am approaching 17 years there so I have made up for it!

Good luck, whatever you decide x

I really wish people wouldn’t have such qualms about an only, and my heart sank when I saw a pp had said her only was super-lonely, reinforcing the stereotype. It’s a recurrent feature of threads here and a needless and unnecessary worry: there are plenty of valid reasons for wanting a second child but giving your dc1 a sibling isn’t one of them.

So if you feel you’ve made a mistake in your circumstances then it’s perfectly valid to take stock and act on it if needs be. Pp are reassuring you they’ve managed in less than ideal circumstances but they aren’t you. If you’re overwhelmed now, that’ll be partly panic and hormones, but it would be useful to think whether you can sustain that level of overwhelm for the next few years if you’re juggling so much already, to help you make that decision. You may also need to be making longer-term plans for your mum’s care needs and to get this sorted before dc2 comes along (if you decide to progress the pregnancy).

@GandTfortea

I had 3 under 3 , It was fine You can manage one baby ,you can manage two Honestly it’s not difficult,you just let things go that don’t matter

OP is not you!

Everything happens for a reason. Take some time to digest the news, you obviously weren't expecting it to happen that quickly! What does your partner say? Perhaps you need to tell him how you feel, and he can ease your worries. You sound financially secure, and that's one of the biggest worries for most people having a baby, so one box ticked. Garden I think is not a real issue. You have the money to tidy it up if it really bothers you. Doesn't have to be perfect, just safe. I think you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself for things to be right, and nobody and nothing is perfect.
Neither of my children were planned as such. Found out I was pregnant days after booking our wedding and buying a dress, so was 5 months gone walking down the aisle. Desperately wanted another after 2 years, didn't happen, decided I didn't want anymore once DD went to school and started looking at jobs, then boom, I was pregnant again, I cried my eyes out! Knew I couldn't follow through with abortion, and now I wouldn't change it for the world. It's tough going from one to two, but mine have a 4 year gap, so I had the nursery/school run to do with a baby. Maybe close together is better, you don't have to mould a new born into a school routine, or get up and out the door at 8am on no sleep!
I then fell pregnant again Christmas before last, and it seemed like the little bit of joy I was looking for, it made it such a special Christmas, but unfortunately it wasn't meant to be and I miscarried early on. I was devastated for a long while and desperate to try again, but now feel comfortable with what I have, and with youngest starting school next year, I'm going to cross my legs so history doesn't repeat itself! 😂
As for the job, you already got the job before knowing you were pregnant. They can't not give you the job now, you don't need to tell them just yet, give it a couple of weeks. There's a lot going on, with your mum to care for too, give yourself a break, get into routine with the new job and I'm sure it will all slot into place, but you are 100% entitled to feel this way. I hope you feel better today and have someone close to talk to. Congratulations, you've got this

You'll be fine everyone feels like that (apart from a very select few but that's a story for another day ) congratulations you'll be fine once it's sunk it.

I’m only at child one at the moment but the impression I get from others at toddler group etc is that running around after two plus DCs can help with weight loss. But seriously, I think this is the equivalent of wedding night jitters and once baby is kicking about on the scan you will feel better about the whole scenario and the same joy you did with DC1. Just make sure you chat to your midwife loads about your mental health struggles and bereavement and ask for as much help as you need on that front. Wishing you luck

I was so pissed off when I got pregnant the 2nd time. DD1 was 6 months old. I knew it would absolutely be the end of my very rocky marriage.

Kids are now 16 & 17. Great mostly. I'm remarried.

Your parents health is irrelevant to this equation. You are not responsible for them.

Hi OP, I could have written your post 2 years ago. I had a 7 month old at the time and decided in a moment of madness I wanted another. Drunken, valentines night.....woke up the next day wondering what I was thinking and absolutely certain I didn't want another child. Like you, I had a positive test and was devastated. I was angry at myself for doing this as it wasn't an accident as such, but I genuinely didn't want to go through with it. After 10 weeks I contacted Marie Stopes, went for an appointment and had the surgical abortion booked. The day of the surgery and I just couldn't go through with it. I went through the pregnancy with regret and guilt, all in the first covid lock down. It was a difficult time. My DD2 was born in October 2020 when my eldest was 16 months old and whilst it was tough, she was a complete blessing. A perfect, content baby who was so sweet. I kept my eldest in childcare as we had 2 more lock downs and it was winter and I knew I needed to get her entertained so I could recover. They're now nearly 3 and 16 months and honestly, I'm so pleased I went thought it and have them both. It's hard, I won't lie, it is. I'm back at work full time now and my childcare is astronomical. But I do it for my sanity, I did 2 years at home doing back to back maternity leaves and getting back to work has helped find a bit of myself again and have time away from the children to be a better mum when I have them. Lots of my friends are just trying for their second now and I'm so relieved it's out the way and I'm (almost) through the baby years. I know exactly how you feel, and whatever you decide will be right for you. But just hope sharing my experience might help. Any questions just ask