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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Autism. Friends ignorant comments.

70 replies

KellyB154 · 07/03/2022 21:31

I have a friend of 8 years. She's a nice person in general.

Two years ago my 4yo was diagnosed with autism.

When I told her about the diagnosis she was surprised and said "oh he doesn't look autistic"

I thought it was a bit of a daft thing to say but didn't let it bother me, sometimes people don't know the right thing to say and all that.

So FF to yesterday we were chatting about coronation and I mentioned that I really like Roy, and did she know that his character is based on somebody with autism.

Her response "Oh really, yeah he's always been really strange hasn't he"

I was taken aback and just replied that no he's not strange, he's supposed to be autistic.

That annoyed me and brought the first comment back to mind, and I've got a bee in my bonnet now. I'm sick of the ignorance autistic people have to put up with.

AIB too sensitive?

I'll admit I felt pretty offended

OP posts:
Morechocmorechoc · 07/03/2022 21:34

It sounds innocent enough. People just aren't aware and I'm sure she didn't mean offence just didn't think what she was saying. If she's a good friend I'd tell her how it made you feel and move on.

cansu · 07/03/2022 21:35

I have two children with ASD. I think you are being over sensitive. To many people, the behaviour of some people with autism is different and unusual and unfamiliar ie strange. It wasn't a great choice of word on her part, but I don't think she meant to be offensive. My children's behaviour can be strange ie different, unusual to others. It is of course to them a perfectly natural response to the way they see the world.

Original poster
KellyB154 · 07/03/2022 21:37

Thank you for the perspective, DS has such a shit time being misunderstood and I spent my life trying to advocate for him. I have quite a thin skin really.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyB154 · 07/03/2022 21:38

I know she would never be intentionally offensive or want to upset me. What I took from it was that she thought autistic people were weird.

OP posts:
DillDanding · 07/03/2022 21:39

I think it's the norm to be sensitive. You don't want people to think your child is strange or odd.

Thankfully, we're now much more aware of ASD than we were 10 or 20 years ago. But you can't expect everyone to understand it automatically.

Starlightstarbright1 · 07/03/2022 21:40

The he doesn't look autistic comment bugs me..

However your ds has been diagnosed so just give yourself time to get your head around it.

Ifound initially discussing issues with parents of children who have asd more helpful.

You will meet many many people who don't get it but my advice save your energies for the fight your ds needs

Cuddlemuffin · 07/03/2022 21:47

I think your friend is being pretty insensitive considering she knows your daughter is autistic. I would consider her comments pretty ignorant anyway tbh. I don't think you're being sensitive.

Cuddlemuffin · 07/03/2022 21:47

*sorry, your son not daughter

Howeverdoyouneedme · 07/03/2022 21:49

The disbelief about my child being autistic irks me, why would I say they were if they weren’t?

Guineapigssweak · 07/03/2022 22:28

My close relative is autistic. He is odd in his ways, he finds it hard.to ask a question but will happily answer one. He has a habit of staring at you also. He obsesses with the weather and other things. So yes he is different/odd/strange and also really lovely and lives a full independent life with good friends. Your being sensitive.

Pollysforever · 07/03/2022 22:34

@Howeverdoyouneedme

The disbelief about my child being autistic irks me, why would I say they were if they weren’t?
Exactly! It's almost as though they think the professionals could be wrong Confused

I think some people hear the word autism and picture somebody with significant mental and physical disabilities, as though they have brain damage or something.

The spectrum is huge.

My DS is 'severely' autistic but looks just like any other 4 year old.

Concestor · 07/03/2022 22:38

I'm autistic with autistic children and I think she's really rude and unkind. I'd be upset and rethinking the friendship.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/03/2022 22:42

I think she is rude, how the fuck are autistic people 'supposed' to look?

thehighsandthelows · 07/03/2022 22:45

No you are not sensitive. She needs to educate herself and there's no excuse with the wealth of information available. If she's not interested in learning more then she should keep her trap shut. Honestly, I'm sick of stupid people saying stupid things.

x2boys · 07/03/2022 22:50

Is Roy supposed to be autistic ?
I can certainly see some traits but has it ever been diagnosed in the character ?
I have an issue with "autism awareness" anyway tbh it's a huge spectrum and TV programs always focuse on people that are verbal ,, independent ,"a bit quirky"
They never show people like my child who is non verbal will never be independent ,etc .

MissMaple82 · 07/03/2022 22:52

But depending on how autistic a person is, the fact of the matter is, they do act differently. I don't think she meant to offend, its just an off the cuff remark.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 07/03/2022 22:53

Roy from corrie is really odd. Not because he is portraying a autistic person (although i would bet money that that 'revelation' has only come about in the past couple of years), he just is strange. He has strange storylines too, like the did he/didn't he have sex with Tracy Barlow and father her child one. Not his fault but still really weird. And the holding up the supermarket with a fake gun was weird too, funny though.

She was rude and out of line to say 'oh yeah he has always been strange' based on you telling her he is based on an autistic person. The two have no correlation.

The 'doesn't look autistic' comment was also really rude, I don't think she is being very sensitive to you and sounds quite uneducated about autism.

Chonfox · 07/03/2022 22:55

I know she would never be intentionally offensive or want to upset me. What I took from it was that she thought autistic people were weird.

To be fair OP to most NT people autistic traits are indeed "weird". Most people have enough intelligence and sensitivity not to voice this to the parent of an autistic child though. Is she usually a "put her foot in it" type? Or a bit thick?

Original poster
KellyB154 · 07/03/2022 23:11

He has strange storylines too, like the did he/didn't he have sex with Tracy Barlow and father her child one.

What now? Grin I didn't know that! I haven't been an avid watcher for years, I only started watching it semi regularly again recently. I'm flabbergasted at that. Roy and Tracy. Wow

Is he supposed to be autistic?

Yep he is. I noticed a few traits and a few things that implied he was, so I looked it up and was able to confirm that his character is supposed to be autistic.

Is she usually a "put her foot in it" type? Or a bit thick?

She's actually quite intelligent but can be quite tone deaf sometimes

OP posts:
BestInterests · 07/03/2022 23:19

It's everywhere - there's a couple of threads in AIBU about posters autistic children which show the depth of ignorance many on mumsnet have.

Many people comment with vile ignorance - their prejudice shows. Nasty.

YANBU

x2boys · 07/03/2022 23:24

You should watch the early 2000,s Op Tracy and Roy were married very briefly because Tracy convinced him he fathered Amy!
Tbh when Roy first came into Corrie "higher functioning autism " and I know it's all autism now ,wasn't really that well known people of Roy's age just wouldn't have been diagnosed ,so fair play to Corrie they have always portrayed him with traits .

SalmonEile · 07/03/2022 23:25

Yes he got drunk and then Tracey lied and told him they’d slept together when they hadn’t and convinced him he was the father of her baby. Horrible storyline which included him attempting suicide and Tracey selling the baby to Roy and Hayley (they named her Patience) then changing her mind and taking her back.

The problem here with your friend was Roy was written as an odd ball or strange because soaps use charictures of people
I remember my mother being particularly upset by an episode where Gail screamed at Roy that he was a word beginning with r and ending with d
I believe Gail apologized afterwards but this was the late 90s / 00s
It’s possible your friend grew up with that view of Roy as “the strange one from corrie”

5zeds · 07/03/2022 23:32

I think she phrased things badly but surely just meant she hadn’t observed any autistic behaviour (ie he doesn’t look autistic) and that the character does behave unusually (aka weird or strange). Could you not just tell her it’s upsetting to hear it said like that? She’s your friend help her to be what you need.

I agree with pp that while it’s great to see high functioning verbal can “pass” autistic individuals on tv the vast majority don’t fall into that subset of the community.

SalmonEile · 07/03/2022 23:39

Sorry I just realized I didn’t actually offer any advice,
Your friend clearly knows nothing about autism so I guess it comes down to if you have the energy to educate her and if not then ignore her ignorant comments / change the subject / call her out each time

Ionlydomassiveones · 07/03/2022 23:40

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