Autism. Friends ignorant comments.

[KellyB154]

I have a friend of 8 years. She's a nice person in general.

Two years ago my 4yo was diagnosed with autism.

When I told her about the diagnosis she was surprised and said "oh he doesn't look autistic"

I thought it was a bit of a daft thing to say but didn't let it bother me, sometimes people don't know the right thing to say and all that.

So FF to yesterday we were chatting about coronation and I mentioned that I really like Roy, and did she know that his character is based on somebody with autism.

Her response "Oh really, yeah he's always been really strange hasn't he"

I was taken aback and just replied that no he's not strange, he's supposed to be autistic.

That annoyed me and brought the first comment back to mind, and I've got a bee in my bonnet now. I'm sick of the ignorance autistic people have to put up with.

AIB too sensitive?

I'll admit I felt pretty offended

@thehighsandthelows I read it, but I don’t think it’s of much use to me and obviously have my own opinions on what language I prefer used. You do understand that you and your photocopy don’t get to choose how others speak or demand changes to descriptors etc?
I’m not sure why you think I need to be re-educated.

Are you autistic too @5zeds? - not asking for any provocative reasons, genuinely just curious.

An autistic opinion comes from a different position than a neurotypical opinion, but like I said on another post, even if we're both autistic, we're not all made out of the same stuff and can still disagree on things. There's not a single autistic mind 😅

Interestingly, I just found the descriptions of the three "levels" of autism which are apparently contained in DSM V.

These look pretty shit to me as well!!! www.verywellhealth.com/what-are-the-three-levels-of-autism-260233

So my dd has significant/severe brain damage, but looks just like any other 12 year old.
She certainly doesn't look like she has "significant mental or physical disabilities" or "like she has brain damage or something". It seems these comments aren't just limited to autism. You have just commented about brain injury, completely incorrectly and based upon assumption/lack of understanding (?) in the way you dislike people commenting about autism. I'm assuming you didn't mean to. With respect, if you do it about my dd's disability, how can you expect people to be more educated about your own child's diagnosis..? I'm not sure what the answer is here, but perhaps sometimes we have to try to be understanding that people with no experience of our child's particular issues won't get it right all of the time, and will inevitably put their foot in it. I'm sure I have at times...

It's not me and my photocopy it from a book by Kerry Murphy - you could look her up? But you won't will you. Keep 'choosing' your language if that's what you feel entitled to.

Sorry, my comment was in reply to @Pollysforever:

Howeverdoyouneedme

The disbelief about my child being autistic irks me, why would I say they were if they weren’t?

Exactly! It's almost as though they think the professionals could be wrong confused

I think some people hear the word autism and picture somebody with significant mental and physical disabilities, as though they have brain damage or something.

The spectrum is huge.

My DS is 'severely' autistic but looks just like any other 4 year old.

Do you think it's clumsy wording?

I've been told this before, for different reasons but meant kindly. Neither were doubting me. I'm not autistic but have a neurodiversity that similar in some respects

The first person meant it well and actually it helped me a bit to understand how people relate to me. She meant that the things I struggle with aren't perticularly obvious to other people because of masking, and simply I save the things that i struggle with most till I'm alone and have good strategies. She meant that she doesn't see the long list of things and she had no idea that some things were so hard for me., she sees the "functioning side". I sort of think about it in terms of someone with for example a hidden physical disability where people then tend not to make the same allowances as if they can see it (eg the difference of someone who you can't see has an amputation vs someone who's clothes cover it). Its still real regardless but peoples struggle to identify it, and don't then always give you the right accomodations.

The second person meant that I don't look like a typical presentation of the diagnosis. Which is true, mine is more common in boys for example but also the things that tend to be the trademark signs aren't the obvious things that stick out. The things that I struggle with don't automatically register with other people as linked and if you were building a stereotype presentation I would agree for me it looks different to that

My son does look autistic in that his behaviour makes it clear to most people who know anything about autism, that he has autism. It is definitely not hidden.

I'm in a field where I work with a lot of people with autism across the spectrum. Much to my shame I recently misspoke and made a comment similar although not the same, as your friend. I realised my mistake immediately and apologised. Sometimes people just speak without thinking. It is rude and a gentle challenge or rephrasing would go a long way in helping to educate her. A telling off or dropping her would likely have the opposite effect and have her think you are a bit precious/sensitive rather than taking note.

Her response "Oh really, yeah he's always been really strange hasn't he"

This is mind-bogglingly rude - there’s no two ways to interpret this.

How can anyone defend it?

I’m trying to imagine saying it to my BF who’s DS is autistic, and I’d rather crawl into a hole and die.

I’d definitely say something next time.

@SpidersAreShitheads no boring old neurotypical here. Ds is autistic. I’ve been posting (mostly in MNSN) on and off for years and read a lot. I think there’s a big change in tone now.

thehighsandthelows I probably wouldn’t read it because that “taster” isn’t really my cup of tea. I’m sorry I can’t see what the issue is with me disagreeing with you on the use of “function”.

@bluebird3 It is rude and a gentle challenge or rephrasing would go a long way in helping to educate her. A telling off or dropping her would likely have the opposite effect and have her think you are a bit precious/sensitive rather than taking note. while this is true, I think it’s important to be clear that it isn’t the job of disabled people or their families to educate. I’d try for a friend of 8 years but honestly it gets very tiresome.

@5zeds
I'm not disagreeing with you, bc I can definitely understand the unfair burden it puts on people with disabilities, or similarly people of colour who educate others on racial issues. But (genuinely) whose job is it? People who don't know can't educate others who don't know.

I doubt the only people available to educate are disabled people and their families? I can see how easy and convenient it is to offload that responsibility onto them, but it’s inappropriate and manipulative to make them responsible for the development of the more advantaged.

Language is always evolving. There are many things, not just relating to neurodiversity, that were considered fine to say in the past but are not considered acceptable now. I genuinely believe it's important to learn about these things and to listen to minority groups. I don't believe 'it's always been ok in the past' or 'it's what I prefer' is an excuse. We're obviously just going to disagree, which is fine. I'm brutally honest on here because it's an anonymous forum. I say things I wouldn't be brave a enough to say in real life. I don't go around telling people off or trying to educate them! I might hope that they'd pick up on the way I talk about things myself or I might recommend resources - but only if they ask or genuinely seem interested.

Roy was introduced as someone who was 'a bit strange' though. He has been there since the mid - late 90s which is a hell of a lot longer than the greater understanding of autism we have nowadays. I suspect the bandwagon has been well and truly jumped on where that character is concerned.

You're trying to open up a conversation about autism with someone who doesn't have a clue, and she's being really clumsy and ignorant here, so i think its important you actually challenge what she's saying and have that open conversation. FYI I have Dyspraxia and have got some shite comments over the years and i know they hurt, but we can challenge it.

@KellyB154

He has strange storylines too, like the did he/didn't he have sex with Tracy Barlow and father her child one.

What now? I didn't know that! I haven't been an avid watcher for years, I only started watching it semi regularly again recently. I'm flabbergasted at that. Roy and Tracy. Wow

Is he supposed to be autistic?

Yep he is. I noticed a few traits and a few things that implied he was, so I looked it up and was able to confirm that his character is supposed to be autistic.

Is she usually a "put her foot in it" type? Or a bit thick?

She's actually quite intelligent but can be quite tone deaf sometimes

Lol yes!!! Honestly look it up, it was a ridiculous storyline! Can't remember exactly what happened but she bet someone a penny she could get him into bed then drugged (?) Him and got into his bed and slept there. Woke up the next day telling him they had slept together. She then pretended he was Amy's dad for months.

It was a really ridiculous storyline.

It’s ok @thehighsandthelows you’d already explained your patience was running thin last night. I think it’s fine to be direct. I personally think the “new” terminology including those with Asperger’s and tweaking the criteria has caused problems that are annoying at best. Previously individuals with high IQs who would now be described as having ASD fell into two categories HFA or Aspergic. The key difference being the pattern of their language acquisition (if any). I don’t think there’s an easy way to express that now.

People say stupid shit all the time. As an autistic person myself, prone to coming out wthi stupid shit myself, I think we should all try to be more forgiving of people saying stupid shit and focus on the intent. If it's malicious stupid shit then address it, if it isn't, forget it and move on.