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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed by this

36 replies

Travelbug2 · 07/03/2022 20:53

Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable about this.

Every evening my OH heads out of the house for 2+ hours to spend time in, I guess you could call it a man cave. It’s basically a garage with a few chairs, a TV and WIFI. It’s not at our house but a shared space that his friend owns.

He will go every single evening mostly to watch football, but even when it’s not on, he’ll go to sit there on his own. His friends also have access to the space but are not always there.

AIBU to be annoyed that he does this every day.

I have asked him before if he needs to go every evening and he said that if he was in the house our DC would be playing in their rooms and I would be watching TV or doing something else around the house so why should he stay in if we’re all doing our own thing and I completely understand that, he’s not wrong.

I think I feel that evenings are just left to me, so dinner, bathtime, bedtime. Our DC are old enough so don’t need much supervision but it does still bother me.

I don’t know if I’m just annoyed because I wouldn’t do that myself and couldn’t imagine that he would be fine with me going out every single evening for 2+ hours at a time but I also wouldn’t want to.

Please do tell me if I’m being unreasonable!

OP posts:

Georgeskitchen · 07/03/2022 20:55

YANBU he should be at home engaging with his family

SuckIt · 07/03/2022 21:00

Fair enough to go a couple of times a week but every night? Nah

KatherineofGaunt · 07/03/2022 21:00

he said that if he was in the house our DC would be playing in their rooms and I would be watching TV or doing something else around the house so why should he stay in if we’re all doing our own thing

But you're not so doing your own thing? Your DC have dinner, bath and bedtime to do, some of all of that with you. Presumably you've cooked the meal? Do you cook for him?

Can you head out a little before he usually does and say "If we're all doing our own thing, then I'm off to do it elsewhere tonight. Oh, and dinner is in the oven, bath at 8pm, bed at 8:30." ? See how he gets on "doing his own thing" at home?

WhatNoRaisins · 07/03/2022 21:02

The way I see it is you chose to have a partner and family so that's your life. Have a hobby fine, go out some of the time fine but pretending to be single every evening is a piss take.

billy1966 · 07/03/2022 21:04

Unbelievable.

He clearly is a selfish arse.

He is very clearly avoiding family life.

Hibble23 · 07/03/2022 21:05

What would happen if you wanted to go out every night?!

SartresSoul · 07/03/2022 21:06

He’s opting out of family life and marriage. Essentially going to hide away from you all because he can’t be bothered. I’d ask if he’s interested in still being a part of your family or not tbh, doesn’t sound like he is.

pinkyredrose · 07/03/2022 21:07

Please tell me you're not cooking for him? If he does fuck all for minimum 2hrs every night then so should you.

Original poster

Travelbug2 · 07/03/2022 21:10

Thanks for the replies! Good to know that others see it the same way.
We’ve had a conversation about it before but he then says that he’ll go after dinner, or will go after bedtime. Which again, if everyone’s in bed, why shouldn’t he go out?
I don’t really know what to say to this that won’t make me come across as controlling

OP posts:

FatOaf · 07/03/2022 21:12

YANBU he should be at home engaging with his family

Sitting and doing nothing while your wife watches television is not "engaging with [your] family".

PattyMelt · 07/03/2022 21:24

Maybe it would be more acceptable is he went once the kids were in bed and he helped get them there?
My Dh wanders off to the garage or the office or the second living room once I start watching TV we have different tastes, he likes documentaries I don't so we both get to watch what we want.
He was around when the kids had Tea and were going to bed. He'd stop and spend time with me if I asked or if I needed to talk, as I would for him.
No one needs to be joined at the hip.

Original poster

Travelbug2 · 07/03/2022 21:35

Yes, this is what he’s suggested in the past but he still ends up going earlier. If he could stick to after bedtime maybe it wouldn’t be so much of an issue. I’m also wondering if I look at it differently because it’s out of the house, if he was in the office or another room maybe I wouldn’t mind so much.

OP posts:

DogsAndGin · 07/03/2022 21:46

That’s not how to be a decent father or husband.

Startingtomoveon · 07/03/2022 21:48

@SartresSoul

This

SpellitwithaY · 07/03/2022 21:51

Why don't you go there instead? See hiw he likes them apples 🍎

NumberTheory · 07/03/2022 21:53

If you have kids, out of the house is different because it means you are then tied to the house. His choice to go out narrows your options. Even if you aren't using them it's a yoke.

But I suspect even going to the office on his own every day would not feel great. The bigger issue here is that it's a sign he doesn't want to be with you. And that's a problem when you're married. He's showing you, with his actions, that he wishes his life was not wrapped up in you and the children.

I would try marriage counseling, but also start thinking about a life without him. It doesn't sound like you do much together when he is home. It may be time to wonder if, actually, even for you, this relationship has run its course.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2022 21:53

Totally unacceptable. I'd be telling his it's his fucking man cave or his marriage. He's free to choose.

Quitelikeit · 07/03/2022 21:54

What type of room-place is this? I’ve never heard of such a thing? Who owns it - how comes they can all visit it?

NumberTheory · 07/03/2022 21:58

@Quitelikeit

What type of room-place is this? I’ve never heard of such a thing? Who owns it - how comes they can all visit it?

Third sentence in the OP: " It’s basically a garage with a few chairs, a TV and WIFI. It’s not at our house but a shared space that his friend owns."

So. It's a grage. His friend owns it. We can assume they can all visit it because the friend has said they can and given them access.

CowsAreNotGreen · 07/03/2022 22:10

Head out before he does

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 07/03/2022 22:23

Who pays to heat the place?
I would have thought that it would be very expensive if it is a garage.

CheshireChat · 07/03/2022 22:29

Take it in turns? So he's completely responsible 3 nights/ week, you get another 3 and you spend 1 together. Just go to your bedroom and chill if you don't want to go out.

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/03/2022 22:40

So when do you get time together to watch a film, share a bottle of wine, cuddle on the couch? Does he just arrive home at some point in the night and expect you to be ready and waiting?

He's being an arsehole.

User73ui843 · 07/03/2022 22:42

Do you do anything as a family?
Is he bored of the evening routine?
If so maybe announce you're all off to the mancave to hang out.

It sounds insane
He sounds like he's checked out

Nsky · 07/03/2022 22:45

Does he on holidays with you all, or have sex with you, when is no longer an option, move or I’ll health, very odd.
No doubt it wasn’t an issue before you married him

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