To be annoyed by this

[Travelbug2]

Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable about this.

Every evening my OH heads out of the house for 2+ hours to spend time in, I guess you could call it a man cave. It’s basically a garage with a few chairs, a TV and WIFI. It’s not at our house but a shared space that his friend owns.

He will go every single evening mostly to watch football, but even when it’s not on, he’ll go to sit there on his own. His friends also have access to the space but are not always there.

AIBU to be annoyed that he does this every day.

I have asked him before if he needs to go every evening and he said that if he was in the house our DC would be playing in their rooms and I would be watching TV or doing something else around the house so why should he stay in if we’re all doing our own thing and I completely understand that, he’s not wrong.

I think I feel that evenings are just left to me, so dinner, bathtime, bedtime. Our DC are old enough so don’t need much supervision but it does still bother me.

I don’t know if I’m just annoyed because I wouldn’t do that myself and couldn’t imagine that he would be fine with me going out every single evening for 2+ hours at a time but I also wouldn’t want to.

Please do tell me if I’m being unreasonable!

This isn’t good. What type of role model is he for your children?
Would you be happy if your son grew up to treat his wife like this? Or your daughter married someone who did this?
I would say he waits until your dc are in bed at the very least. Actually op, start going out with friends and leaving him to it, see how he likes it.
The bottom line is he doesn’t want to be with you or his own kids.

That’s very strange. It’s no way to live.

I’d say either he works on re-engaging or you bring things to a close.

I definitely wouldn’t want my own children to act like this with their own families. Which actually makes me think it might have something to do with how we were brought up.
I was always playing board games with my parents or out with them during the week and at weekends. His upbringing was quite different, they didn’t really do ‘family time’ and were just left to it. Not to make excuses for him but I also think that now the DC are older he doesn’t feel that he has to do family time as they happily entertain themselves.

That's very strange. How is your marriage otherwise? Sounds like he's opting out of family life and reverted to a teenage existence. I personally love a bit of downtime away from my family but not every single night and not in a "man-cave" that I share with my buddies. Seems a bit sad (in the pathetic way not the melancholy type). Did you get together really young or something?

Everyone’s comments have been really helpful! I sometimes struggle to put into words what I feel as I don’t want to seem like I’m not allowing him to have his space. We’ll definitely be having a chat tomorrow.

Absolutely 100% he would not like it if you did the same.

This sounds balls. As PP has said, he’s opting out of family time and that’s not acceptable. If he doesn’t accept your chat maybe tell him he can have his two hours and then you can have yours? If he finds that unacceptable, point proven

I know it's not what you've asked but is there really not one TV show you can watch together in the evening? What does he choose to watch when he's out?

I’d say that everything is fine otherwise, a few other issues that feed into this like sometimes not being bothered to do/plan things. But we get along and are generally happy.
I do sometimes say that I feel like he’s stuck in student mode. We got together as teenagers so yes, very young.

I do sometimes say that I feel like he’s stuck in student mode. We got together as teenagers so yes, very young.

I thought so. This does go some way to explaining things, so he hasn't actually regressed - he just never progressed . In that case it's not quite so bad but still unacceptable and you're right to have a chat with him about it and perhaps you can reach some acceptable middle ground - maybe three nights per week/or only after the DC have gone to bed etc. whatever you would be happy with. Good luck!

Writing notes can be a good way to start chats, I find