Are sensitive dc on the increase ?

[iheartmybeachhut]

Just curious really, so many parents describe their dc as sensitive nowadays and I'm wondering why that is. Is it more prevalent on here than in rl ?
Several parents I know are helicopter types whilst others let their dc be kids, getting grubby and grazing knees. I was the latter parent. Not saying there is a right or wrong way but I'm interested in the thoughts of others.

I do think the ‘I’m in charge do as you’re told’ (in a kind loving way) is undervalued parenting tool that actually helps absolve anxiety and over thinking

^^

Agreed wholeheartedly with this. Sometimes they need reassuring by an adult decision.

@Toocooltoboogie

It's worrying when such judgemental and basically incorrect comments about children are made by a teacher.

DogsAndGin
'From the perspective of a primary school teacher, I think there seems to be higher levels of sensitive children where there has been either early trauma, parents with mental health problems, or unengaged parents. That’s not to say all sensitive children have had these negatives in their lives, though, but there seems to be a small correlation.'

I thought it was interesting, though I would replace 'sensitive' with 'resilient'. Though children can show amazing resilience in difficult circumstances, there does seem to be a consensus that the factors which build childhood resilience are things like a warm and loving relationship with parents, supportive extended family, a safe and peaceful home, extra-curricular activities and a positive educational experience. These are all things which children from traumatic, neglectful or disengaged home environments are less likely to have. Adverse Child Experiences (ACEs) are unsurprisingly linked to poorer outcomes in adulthood.

@Blueeyedgirl21

I think the amount of sensitive kids is the same as it always has been, but opportunities to build resilience and confidence are reduced - due to covid, risk averse parents, lack of money or time to do hobbies etc. I think a lot of kids don’t learn ‘life skills’ such as staying away from home and learning to settle themselves, being able to regulate emotions without being reasoned with etc.

Yeah, I'd agree with this.

So you might say there are as many children, probably, with a natural inclination to be sensitive.

But the environment many kids are growing up in exacerbates it so that more kids who could have learned to manage that sensitivity don't.

@dipdye

I do think the ‘I’m in charge do as you’re told’ (in a kind loving way) is undervalued parenting tool that actually helps absolve anxiety and over thinking

^^

Agreed wholeheartedly with this. Sometimes they need reassuring by an adult decision.

Yes.

And sometimes giving too much credance to childhood anxieties can make them worse. The child interprets the parental support as meaning that the thing they are worried about really is a serious worry - maybe even that the parents share it.

It's a balance that can be hard (impossible?) to judge perfectly but the tendency now is to try and spare kids all immediate suffering, which can backfire long term.

It’s interesting isn’t it?
My own parents were very matter of fact. Our house was no place for complaining- you got on with it and sorted out your own problems. We were free to come and go as we pleased and my parents never interfered or intervened. Whilst we lived what would be described as a very privileged life, we had very little emotional support and worked most things out ourselves.
I was quite out of my depth - very anxious then and anxious now.

I’ve always been around my own DC and would probably be described as a helicopter parent due to my own anxiety.
My DC are unbelievably resilient. I am the anxious one, not them!

I think we can be too quick to place labels on children - ‘the sensitive one’ ‘the sporty one’ and so on. It can then be self-fulfilling and hard for the child to move out of that role, as it’s how they see themselves and what everyone expects of them.

I guess what I am saying is don’t underestimate children - give them space to develop and grow and be a different person.

I also think there’s a difference between being sensitive and resilient.

Posted too soon!
It’s the classic parenting tip ‘label the behaviour, not the child’.

So all of my 3 children have been sensitive about certain things over the years, but I haven’t labelled my children as sensitive - I’ve dealt with each situation, allowed them time to be upset, explain their fears, comforted them etc. Then moved on. The next time that situation has arisen I have asked them if they want to try, without judgement either way. Often they do want to give it a go, sometimes the next time, sometimes a long while after. They may decide they still don’t like it (eg DS and rollercoasters) but at least they know they tried it.
It’s natural to be fearful and upset about certain things, children need space to explore different emotions, it’s part of growing up. But they also then need to learn to manage and deal with those emotions, otherwise they grow into teenagers and adults who can’t deal with the slightest upset.

Don’t you remember in school sensitive kids? I certainly did. It’s personality, I have 3 DC, raised the same and one is very sensitive and shy. The other 2 aren’t.

@WhatNoRaisins

I suspect people in the past were for better or worse less sympathetic to sensitive children and just expected them to get on with it.

I agree with this.

I was a very sensitive child, born in the 70s. Now I have two equally sensitive DC. I assume it is hereditary.

I disagree that sensitive is a bad thing. I see a generation of kids with emotional literacy who have the language to say "I feel overwhelmed and need your support" rather than "I can't cope with this emotion so when we get turfed out for the day at 9am I'm going to use the nerdy kid a couple of doors down as a punch bag to vent my feelings"

Ha you absolutely are judging what's right and what's wrong. You clearly think your way is the "right" way

There aren’t more sensitive children, there are more understanding parents. Years ago a sensitive child would have been seen as weak.

I have 4 children. My elder 3 are very confident and "rough and ready". My youngest is a very shy and a sensitive soul. I am also very outgoing so I do find having a meek child strange as it isn't what I am like or what I am used to. But I love him dearly and it is just a part of his character. I think people are more understanding of sensitive people/introverts now.

There are degrees of “sensitive”, you can be caring and show emotions while have a perfectly normal life, “sensitive” becomes a problem when it prevents normal relationships and disrupts education. We all have different personalities, confidence is everything, life can be very difficult if confidence is damaged, bullying and bad social media does just that.

Involving children in adult problems, violence, warfare, domestic conflict, portraying that as “normal” must make vulnerable children despair, they are being exposed too soon.

Our children are subjected to far more sensory input now. When I was a child, apart from the butcher's shop, Kwiksave, wool jumpers and smocking, there wasn't that much sensory noise going on. There was lots of routine, space, quiet, calm...

Now it's lights, music, movement, noise... all the time, everywhere. Children that would have been ok in 70s are overstimulated now.

My child was sensitive but doing well. Then covid hit.

You can't underestimate the impact of the last 2 years on a naturally nervous child. They've heard it's too dangerous to leave the house, too dangerous to go to school, too dangerous for clubs to run, too dangerous to see friends and family for months on end.

Then back to school but wearing masks as it's too dangerous to breath each other's air or socialise with any friends not in their class. They've had countless LFT tests, been banned from visiting vulnerable loved ones in care homes, had to isolate in case they infect their friends and family. They've been vaccinated twice.

Restrictions lift but is it any wonder they struggle to adjust? Now throw in Russia's invasion of Ukraine and media talk of nuclear weapons, potential world war!

Oh and my child is a teen. You can't hide world events from them

@Meatshake

I disagree that sensitive is a bad thing. I see a generation of kids with emotional literacy who have the language to say "I feel overwhelmed and need your support" rather than "I can't cope with this emotion so when we get turfed out for the day at 9am I'm going to use the nerdy kid a couple of doors down as a punch bag to vent my feelings"

Indeed. I’m a child of the early 70s with well-meaning but unworldly and easily-overwhelmed parents who were far too busy trying to keep a roof over our heads to pay any attention to the emotional well-being of their big family. As a result I’m a resilient adult, but I am that way because my first lesson, which I’d learned by the age of six, was “There’s no point in telling mum and dad — they won’t be able to do anything, and it only makes them stressed and upset’. So I put up with bullying, a vicious teacher, an instance of sexual abuse, absolutely solo by the age of ten.

It was a miserable, emotionally-neglectful upbringing. My son is learning that his feelings are important even when they’re inconvenient.

There's a difference between being sensitive and lacking in resilience.

The sensitive DC get terribly upset about other people being upset, especially if they feel at all responsible.

The ones who lack resilience sulk, pout, strop and cry when they don't get their own way, or are incapable of trying again when something doesn't work first time and an adult won't do it for them. Some of this is due to horrible life experiences, and some to parents who indulge their every whim and think it's either charming or normal that their toddler runs amock around the classroom emptying drawers during parent-teacher consults. Those children then start school and have a meltdown or an epic sulk when told 'no' for the first time. Children who lack boundaries are very poor at building their own.

As for helicopter parenting, being a sensitive parent, seeing that a toddler is worried about a slide, and going over to offer encouragement and advice isn't (in my view) helicoptering, so long as you stand back once your job is done. Helicoptering is prowling around the playground behind the toddler and never letting it stumble or make a mistake, while keeping up a litany of 'Be careful! Oh, let's leave the spider alone and go over here, yes, spiders can be scary...'

Not as clear cut. My eldest is what you would call sensitive and she is shy. Her brother is the opposite but he recently went to a nursery mates joint birthday party with his older sister and spent the two hours sat in his dad's lap. They are fine when with their cousins but usually hesitant at mixing with others so I'm doing playdates to help their confidence.

DD 13 is very sensitive in nature but she’s also a firecracker in many ways too. I was never a helicopter type parent quite the opposite. I think a lot of it is just how nature intends but there are some who’s parents project their own fears into their kids and that’s not right.

I've never seen anyone actually admit on MN that they are a helicopter or over pushy parent!
It's much much more likely you will have people stating they
let their dc be kids, getting grubby and grazing knees.
So I really don't think you'll get a balanced discussion OP

I was a sensitive, anxious, shy child, I am a sensitive, anxious shy adult. I am a resilient person, you would never know how excruciating I find being social. I aim to be a consciously stable and outwardly appearing confident parent.

My DC is sensitive. He has sensory issues (definitely inherited!) and is very aware, and has been since he was very small of what he finds overwhelming. So we work in small steps to overcome the things he finds challenging. Teaching him emotional resilience is so important, but so is parenting him appropriately for him, so that he thrives as he grows.

There's a really big misconception in society that children are very resilient, I hear it all the time. No, they just don't process events in the same way as we do. They show it in other ways instead.