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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this near accident was DP's fault

72 replies

bunpot · 07/03/2022 15:37

I haven't passed my driving test yet so asking here for some perspective on whether this was out of DP's control /whether he did the right thing in the situation. I feel like he didn't.

We were driving along a country road and he decided to overtake. There was a bend ahead (it was a year ago so I'm hazy on exactly how far ahead it was). While we were overtaking, a car came round the bend towards us. DP sped up to try to finish the overtake and get back in lane, but there wasn't time and we were fast approaching a head on collision, so he had to break hard and tuck back in behind. Has anyone else ever been in this position?

To me it felt like a near death experience. He is usually not stubborn but he got really defensive when I suggested he should apologise to me for putting our lives in danger.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 07/03/2022 15:55

Well if you drive along that road again and see if the white line is broken or not. If it is a straight white line then he should not have overtaken. It sounds like a lucky escape.

The reason this is still bothering you is because you are having doubts about him and this is a major alarm bell going off. Listen to it.

Porridgealert · 07/03/2022 15:59

Yeah he was in the wrong.
Yeah I've started to overtake and had to pull back in because I wouldn't make it. I've never overtaken on a blind corner though.
I finding hard to believe that most drivers haven't made a bad decision. The real problem is if he keeps making them.

I've always found a bit of sucked in breath helps control my partners driving. I mean it annoys him, because it's annoying, but it does make him think twice.

helpfulperson · 07/03/2022 16:04

Sillysmiles has nailed it. That's all the conversation needed. If he didn't learn from that he's not going to learn from you 'mentioning it'

CityHigh · 07/03/2022 16:05

He was overtaking on a bend. It was his fault.

Hawkins001 · 07/03/2022 16:06

@Porridgealert

Yeah he was in the wrong. Yeah I've started to overtake and had to pull back in because I wouldn't make it. I've never overtaken on a blind corner though. I finding hard to believe that most drivers haven't made a bad decision. The real problem is if he keeps making them.

I've always found a bit of sucked in breath helps control my partners driving. I mean it annoys him, because it's annoying, but it does make him think twice.

A bad decision is one thing, but overtaking on an approach to a corner ?
billy1966 · 07/03/2022 16:09

Really stupid.

The type of thing that gets people killed all the time.

Having said that, people do make mistakes.

His defensiveness is the issuse and his refusal to accept his mistake.

THAT would make me rethink being with him.

Stupid AND stubborn is not a good look.

JorisBonson · 07/03/2022 16:14

@sillysmiles

It was a year ago - why is it an issue now?

Surely the conversation would go something like
Both: Fuck!
OP: What were you thinking?
Him: I thought I had enough space/time.
OP: That was scary
Him: Are you ok?
OP: Ya..

And everyone moves on.

This!
daimbarsatemydogsbone · 07/03/2022 16:15

Brake.

Itsthejourney · 07/03/2022 16:16

Nobody is a perfect driver. We all make judgement calls and sometimes get it wrong. Luckily there were no casualties. Unless his driving normally scares you, just let it go.

ivykaty44 · 07/03/2022 16:22

if it wasn't your dp fault then whom would be at fault?

BogRollBOGOF · 07/03/2022 16:22

Yes, he was in the wrong.

It's a mistake I made twice in the first months of driving having not been taught how to overtake tractors due to learning in an urban area. In my case it wasn't so much picking a blind section of road (solid/ dashed road markings give some guide) as underestimating how much max acceleration I needed to put my slightly underpowered car through. I did learn from it that you need a bloody good, long, straight stretch of road and to gear down and plan the moment.

It's rarely worth overtaking on a single carriageway road as the benefits rarely outweigh the risks.
(Plus you get the dozy berks that realise they're being overtaken and decide to speed up from 37mph to 55mph while you're trying to pass- thank goodness I now have more power and had chosen a very straight and quiet stretch so as not to be a hazard to oncoming traffic)

godmum56 · 07/03/2022 16:27

@bunpot

Thinking about it now as it's approaching the time of year where we'll be on long drives together a lot. I take your point about what do I want to do with this info as there's no way I'd win this argument after so much time has passed.. Just trying to figure out how to prevent it happening again
you can't if you are not driving
Original poster
bunpot · 07/03/2022 16:27

Thanks all. Yes, it was unusual behaviour for him and fits with what you're saying about misjudging the situation - we had a car full of camping equipment so would have been slower than usual.

In terms of the conversation, I kept quiet for the journey so as not to cause any more distractions, and when we arrived we were with friends on a campsite so didn't feel like the best time to discuss.

OP posts:
PukkaP · 07/03/2022 16:28

It was quite clearly his fault, but unless he has a habit of making risky manoeuvers, then bringing it up after a year seems ridiculous. To be honest I do find it irritating when people who can’t drive criticise other peoples driving

Thewindwhispers · 07/03/2022 16:30

His fault. You don’t overtake on a blind bend. It’s unsafe and illegal. If that means you’re stuck behind a cyclist on a hill for ten minutes (which happens to me a lot!) that’s just how it is.

And having started overtaking and then discovered a car approaching, he should have immediately braked and dropped behind, speeding up was dangerous and deeply stupid.

Afraid that your DH is a shit driver OP. I suspect he also has a history of being completely unable to admit when being made a mistake? I bet you don’t often hear the word sorry.

godmum56 · 07/03/2022 16:35

@bunpot

Thanks all. Yes, it was unusual behaviour for him and fits with what you're saying about misjudging the situation - we had a car full of camping equipment so would have been slower than usual.

In terms of the conversation, I kept quiet for the journey so as not to cause any more distractions, and when we arrived we were with friends on a campsite so didn't feel like the best time to discuss.

I am not sure what there was to discuss. He made an error and I bet it scared the shit out of him. If he was not in the habit of doing it and hasn't done it since then I woul pit it down now.
sillysmiles · 07/03/2022 16:41

In terms of the conversation, I kept quiet for the journey so as not to cause any more distractions, and when we arrived we were with friends on a campsite so didn't feel like the best time to discuss.

You lost your window to bring it up imo. If it frightened him, he will still remember it. If it didn't frighten him, then you bringing it up is not going to make him change his behaviour. And yes the change in cars weight will have affected the cars performance.
And a year on, you need to get your license sorted.

WheresThatCatGoneNow · 07/03/2022 16:47

No, not his fault at all.

Obviously it would depend exactly how far ahead the bend was, but he was obviously using his judgement (and his experience) to drive as he would without you, as a learner driver, in the car.

Alright, you imagined that disaster was imminent, but you will find, once you've passed your test, and spent some time driving alone, that things happen in a split-second, and you just have to deal with them in the moment.

As for asking for an apology! That's just unreasonably unreasonable.

Once you are a qualified driver, and have had a few near-misses of your own, you'll understand why your OH got so defensive.

Every driver is responsible for the safety of his or her passengers, and I reckon you will come to realise, with time and experience, that your partner did nothing wrong.

girlmom21 · 07/03/2022 16:58

@WheresThatCatGoneNow he did nothing wrong when he tried to overtake on a bend, caused an oncoming vehicle to slam their breaks on and then slammed his on to pull back in behind the car he'd attempted to overtake?

If either of those other drivers had done anything at all differently to what they did, the OP, her DP and both of the other drivers and their passengers could be dead or seriously injured.

He was stupid and irresponsible.

steff13 · 07/03/2022 16:59

It was his fault in the sense that he misjudged the distance to the curve (apparently). But since nothing actually happened, I don't really see any benefit to apportioning blame, particularly a year later. I think most drivers have done something that might have resulted in an accident, if things had gone differently.

Halllyup17 · 07/03/2022 17:15

Yeah it was his fault, but people make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. Fortunately, nobody was hurt. Not sure why it's still an issue for you after a year.

Hawkins001 · 07/03/2022 17:18

@WheresThatCatGoneNow

No, not his fault at all.

Obviously it would depend exactly how far ahead the bend was, but he was obviously using his judgement (and his experience) to drive as he would without you, as a learner driver, in the car.

Alright, you imagined that disaster was imminent, but you will find, once you've passed your test, and spent some time driving alone, that things happen in a split-second, and you just have to deal with them in the moment.

As for asking for an apology! That's just unreasonably unreasonable.

Once you are a qualified driver, and have had a few near-misses of your own, you'll understand why your OH got so defensive.

Every driver is responsible for the safety of his or her passengers, and I reckon you will come to realise, with time and experience, that your partner did nothing wrong.

A bend is still a bend, and a driver should be aware of that fact, I've seen too many dash cams, videos of where drivers were experienced but thought they knew better, and result, one to many near misses or accidents,
daimbarsatemydogsbone · 07/03/2022 17:18

Brakes Brake, Braking.

NoSquirrels · 07/03/2022 17:20

It’s odd you “kept quiet so as not to be a distraction” and then you said he needed to apologise to you for putting you in danger at an unspecified amount of time later AND that you’re still mulling this over a year later.

He fucked up, obviously. He made two poor decisions (misjudging acceleration/visibility/space and then speeding up instead of immediately dropping back).

But the time to speak up was when you were scared i.e. immediately. Waiting a long time then bringing it up in a dramatic manner demanding an apology was never going to go down well - that would put anyone on the defensive.

It sounds like mostly a communication issue and if he’s usually a decent driver, not reckless, then there’s no need at all to mention it again.

Original poster
bunpot · 07/03/2022 17:27

Thanks all. Genuinely helpful and not too abusive. And my driving test has been repeatedly rescheduled due to pandemic.

OP posts: