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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t like that a friend told another friend something and I’m not sure why

33 replies

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 07/03/2022 09:24

AIBU probably isn’t the right place but not sure where to put it!

To start, I know I have big issues surrounding my weight, I’m a 22 down from a 32 but VERY much still in a size 32 mindset. I’ve been bullied and laughed at by strangers for years and it’s always a focal point so I am very over sensitive about it and I am massively bothered when someone discusses it behind my back even in a v supportive way and friend knows this

I was talking to a friend about needing to find a new job as the one I have isn’t enough hours, she suggested a customer facing reception job and I said that I like the idea but I’ve applied for some recently and didn’t get them and I wasn’t confident it wasn’t to do with my weight and I didn’t think I was the look they would be going for. She was supportive and confident it wasn’t a problem

I spoke to her last night and she said she’d spoken to her v close friend about it and he thought he might be able to help with a job and she told him about my concerns over my weight and he was confident it wasn’t an issue as others are my size there so it would be fine.

I’m REALLY bothered that she discussed this part with him (and it’s not him that’s the problem, he’s a lovely kind man and just isn’t in him to be unkind) but I can’t put my finger on why, it wasn’t unkind or taunting, probably the opposite but I’m really uncomfortable with it and I’m kind of hoping someone can help me work out WHY I’m so bothered (and that I’m being unreasonable!)

OP posts:
UnsuitableHat · 07/03/2022 09:29

I’d be uncomfortable with that too. It may have been well intentioned - some people always think they have to ‘fix’ rather than just listen, and maybe your friend’s like that, hence discussing it with someone else. The fact she told you perhaps indicates she didn’t realise it’d be a problem.
Can you tell her you weren’t very comfortable with it and ask her not to discuss your weight issues with other people again?

UnsuitableHat · 07/03/2022 09:30

Well done on your weight loss by the way!

BestInterests · 07/03/2022 09:30

You feel vulnerable.

Even when you know someone was trying to help you, they still touched on something which is very personal to you (literally it is 'you' - your body is you) and it makes you feel exposed because while it's ok for you to talk about this, it makes you feel vulnerable when someone else does. When you speak about it, even in slightly negative terms, you retain ownership of it. If someone takes that and repeats it, it's then a 'fact' out of your control.

Congratulations on the weight loss, good luck if you're continuing on that journey, and have s look at the suggested job Flowers

HereComesTheSum · 07/03/2022 09:31

I wouldn't be uncomfortable they sound like lovely helpful friends.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 07/03/2022 09:33

Because you've spent such a long time on high alert about comments regarding your size, you will automatically get those feelings of embarrassment and upset whenever it is mentioned, no matter the context! It's a form of ptsd in some regards, when a situation has been a source of deep pain, hurt and upset for a prolonged period then of course you are going to be sensitive to it being mentioned, no matter how kind the intention. The fact is you are honest, you understand this a "you" problem, and that's a huge step in eventually over coming it. I would personally seek out a therapist to help you come to peace with these feelings and find a way to live with them, or hopefully even overcome them. You've done an amazing job to lose so much weight so far, you're clearly a strong character and I'm sure you can overcome this hurdle too ❤️

GreenClock · 07/03/2022 09:33

Congrats on the weight loss!
I’m not having a pop at you OP but tbh I think you’re being too sensitive. Your friend did you a favour and the outcome is likely to be positive.
Good luck with the interview 🍀

NoSquirrels · 07/03/2022 09:34

It’s because you feel like that his person who is new to you - the male friend - is going to be seeing your ‘issue’ first and not you. So you’ll suspect that even though this is supposed to be not about your weight (in that it’s ‘not going to be a problem’) it has become about your weight anyway.

Flowers
NoSquirrels · 07/03/2022 09:36

However, all that said - go for the interview, be confident, don’t hold yourself back.

You’re doing an absolutely amazing thing for yourself - for your health and happiness. Don’t let the psychological aspects now hold you back.

FiveShelties · 07/03/2022 09:38

I think they are both being really good friends and you are being over sensitive. But I was the same when I was overweight, I always thought people were judging me etc and every comment about weight, shape was a slight.

Good luck with the interview and well done on your weight loss.

RealBecca · 07/03/2022 09:47

There are no perfect relationships, whether that's husband, wives, kids or friends. Your friend has irritated you but her hearts in the right place. So acknowledge it to yourself but not to her and let it go. X

moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 07/03/2022 09:50

@RealBecca

There are no perfect relationships, whether that's husband, wives, kids or friends. Your friend has irritated you but her hearts in the right place. So acknowledge it to yourself but not to her and let it go. X
Excellent advice - good luck with the job!
YorkshireRog · 07/03/2022 09:58

Well done on weight loss.

Tbh I think this might be your issue rather than hers. And your sensitivity about your weight.

She has tried to use her network to find a solution. Friends often do this. And in nicest possible way the guy she discussed with won’t have given weight a second though as it is a third person they discussing, they likely just to have problem solved.

I hope you can accept the opportunity if it comes your way and I hope your worries about your weight stop holding you back.

Go and make your claim on the world. (And just forget this thing with your pal - it sounds like she was just trying to help you)

Good luck x

JenniferBarkley · 07/03/2022 10:02

@RealBecca

There are no perfect relationships, whether that's husband, wives, kids or friends. Your friend has irritated you but her hearts in the right place. So acknowledge it to yourself but not to her and let it go. X
This should be a standing auto reply to all posts on here.
Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 07/03/2022 10:06

Aw you poor lamb Sad
Don’t be sad. I think they’re just trying to help you.

cantbecoping · 07/03/2022 10:06

She cared enough about you to discuss it with a friend to see if he could help or advise, that comes from a good place. I think it is always uncomfortable when we think of others discussing our physical attributes especially when it is something like weight. There is a certain amount of shame around it, fear of people judging why you are that size, discussing it, disecting it, coming up with reasons and suggestions to help. That makes you feel vulnerable and a little exposed. You have been conditioned to that way of thinking given the fact you think you did not get the jobs you went for because of your weight. That will have your heckles up to begin with and to have others discussing you albeit with an intent to help can make you feel exposed and a little apprehensive.

I say to let it go, take the advice or help offered and go kill that interview. You have already shown such strength and tenacity with your weight loss that this is just another step towards your brand new life!

Well Done!

LovelyYellowLabrador · 07/03/2022 10:10

Tbh I wouldn’t like that either, even though it’s been said in a supportive way make you feel like you’ve been gossiped about and it would make more reserved with that person

notanothertakeaway · 07/03/2022 10:11

You discussed your own private insecurities / concern with your friend, and she discussed it with a third party without your permission

It sounds as though it was well-intentioned, so I wouldn't necessarily challenge her on it, I can see why this made you feel uncomfortable.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/03/2022 10:12

They sound great!

I understand nobody likes to think of people discussing their vulnerabilities behind their backs, but I think in this case the friend you discussed it with was just checking that you wouldn't be discriminated against, and then reassuring you of this. It probably feels a bit intrusive but her heart is in the right place. And a better job is a better job...

buddylicious · 07/03/2022 10:15

Yes, your friend did discuss something with her friend, but only because she was trying to help and to ensure you wouldn't have a similar issue where he works.

Please don't let this cause an issue in your relationship as she sounds a good friend and she is looking out for you!

CornishGem1975 · 07/03/2022 10:21

I think you're probably being a little over-sensitive but with good reason, as it's something that bothers you and has affected your life, but I think your friend was well-meaning and nothing was done with malice.

Arabellla · 07/03/2022 10:24

I couldn't get worked up about this. You have to look at people's intentions sometimes, and hers sound good.

impossible · 07/03/2022 10:32

You are very sensitive about your weight so of course the thought of two friends discussing it makes you uncomfortable, but the conversation was with a view to helping you. Your friend was trying to stop you going for a job that you wouldn't be likely to get - and it sounds like she may have done you a favour.

I think you're really bothered by the conversation because you're really bothered by your weight and any reference to it is upsetting. That's completely understandable but don't conflate that upset with being annoyed with your kind friend.

You've done brilliantly getting your weight down so congratulations. Grab this job if you can get it (and want it) and keep moving forward. You're doing great and are lucky to have good, supportive friends.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 07/03/2022 10:34

I certainly wouldn’t discuss things friends tell me with other friends
Perhaps why it make me feel uncomfortable

Original poster
IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 07/03/2022 10:35

@RealBecca

There are no perfect relationships, whether that's husband, wives, kids or friends. Your friend has irritated you but her hearts in the right place. So acknowledge it to yourself but not to her and let it go. X
This is actually exactly what I needed to hear, thank you xx

I know it’s me and it wasn’t meant how I took it, I do just need to work on myself and how I take stuff like this.

Thank you all x

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate · 07/03/2022 10:48

I can see why you're upset. You opened yourself up and made yourself vulnerable by admitting your worry to your friend -you don't want other people to know your insecurities.

It might have been indiscreet of your friend, but it came from a good place. Flowers