How do you get over pregnancy announcements?

[announceno]

When you are struggling with infertility?

They're everywhere - every celebrity, everywhere I turn there's a bump.

How do you get over it? Does there become a time after so long when you no longer feel angry to see pregnancy announcements?

They make me feel sick and sad. Appreciate it makes me sound mean but I'm just speaking honestly.

What can I do?

When I was in your position I went through Facebook and culled everyone but my close friends. I didn't need to see the announcements of someone I had a class with once at uni. Also found that time away from social media helped and focussing on being present/mindful in my real life made a difference. Going for walks, to the gym, out for nice meals and drinks with friends all helped. It's totally shit dealing with infertility that many people understand.

Sorry you are going through this. I don't have experience of it myself but my sil did, she found it awful as I was pregnant with my first child when they started trying, she got pregnant and miscarried the same week i gave birth. They then kept trying and we had 3 children in that time. They did cut us out for a few years which hurt but I let them get on with it. It's only now they've completely given up and moved on with their life childfree (she's 44 so it isn't going to happen) that she's OK with baby announcements and even just being around our children. Our youngest is just under 1, but they seem happy to be around him now, once upon a time they would leave if we arrived at my parents when they were there.

@bravotango

It's really hard, I've just had another friend surprised at how quickly she was able to conceive. I normally get over it quietly and privately, which is shit but I would feel worse if any of my upset got back to her.

I find this so hard. I've had a few friends, who are smart woman, and usually very nice, but once they got pregnant first time they could not stop talking about it, about how surprised they were, how lucky they were, even joking they'd hoped for a few more months of fun. I found it soul destroying to have to listen to.

It's bloody hard. We were undergoing ivf when my SIL and BIL made a special trip to see us just to flash scan photos at us. I couldn't see her or speak to her until very luckily I was 3 months pregnant. She oy understood when she miscarried their second child at 7 weeks and then took another year to get pregnant again. I didn't share my scan photos etc because I know how I felt and other people are hiding their pain and struggling .

I don't think it ever gets easier really you just develop coping strategies in order to deal with your feelings.

When I was ttc I worked in a social services day nursery. The parents had mental health issues, drug and alcohol addiction, children already removed into care etc and they kept on just having more babies. Im not proud of the thoughts that went through my head back then but because I had to maintain professionalism and empathy I learned to accept that they weren't me and their ability to get pregnant had no bearing on my fertility. It was tough for a few years though.

I also threw myself into being the best auntie to my 13 nieces and nephews and convinced myself, fairly successfully, that it was nice to hand them back after spending time with them. I totally hated the thought that people felt they couldn't be happy about their pregnancies and babies around me so went over the top to 'prove' that it was fine. Classic case of fake it till you make it, but it worked mostly.

And, whilst I know how irritating it is (been there, done that, got the t shirt) I became one of 'those' lucky ones that everyone used to (unhelpfully) tell me about when I was ttc. 17yrs after I first started ttc I fell pregnant naturally and went on to have two boys.

I used to focus on all the things I could do because I didn't have kids. Someone got pregnant? Off we go to the pub at 11am for some day drinking, book a spontaneous flight to Spain while we are there etc etc
Probably not the healthiest option but it kind of helped. A bit. Really it's just fucking tough. I'm sorry you're going through it.

It is such an awful and difficult time. For a very long time I felt that infertility defined me and like you struggled to cope with pregnancy announcements coming at me from all angles. I distanced myself from pregnant friends and family, it was not my finest hour. However it was a case of self preservation.

Have I lost friends, yes, are close friends no longer as close, yes. Would I change anything - not at all DS is my world after 5 years of ttc.

Sending hugs.

It's tough but I developed a mindset where I only wanted our baby. So other people's pregnancies mattered less as it wasn't my baby Ipswich?

I allow myself to be angry, upset, jealous and hurt.

I used to beat myself up for feeling that way. I told myself it made me a terrible person, it doesn't.

You're allowed to feel everything you feel. I also deleted a lot of social media, and use the unfollow button on others for anyone who announces a pregnancy.

I'm so sorry. You have my commiserations

You're not mean. Anyone calling you that has absolutely no idea how painful this is, and their opinion should be disregarded accordingly.

I've done similarly to others - I mute or unfollow acquaintances who make pregnancy announcements, I mute celebrities' names on social media (Rihanna being the most recent) and I try to surround myself with women who've made wonderful, fulfilling lives without children. I've also distanced myself over time from the vast majority of the friends of my teenage years and 20s. Having spent a decade going to pregnancy parties, baby showers, new baby parties, children's birthday parties etc. - and just hearing about it all incessantly, something had to give. I'm a lot happier knowing that I don't have to do all of that anymore.

But mostly I just let myself ride the grief rollercoaster. I was 32 when I became infertile (full hysterectomy so no chance) and it's been 4 years now. It's still really hard at times, and when it's not it's bloody annoying because we live in a very child/motherhood-centric society. Allowing myself to be angry and upset at my involuntary exclusion from the club is partly how I survive, I think.

Anyway - all this to say, I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this. The pain is unimaginable to many and takes strength to get through.

Yes, the joking about wishing for a few more months of fun is awful to hear. And the "but we'll have a baby by Christmas which is amazing" when every February I wish for a BFP so I'll have a baby by Christmas. Her feelings are valid of course but it just hurts so much!

@MabelsApron I'm sorry to hear, I too have felt myself distancing from friends with children.

I feel terrible for it though, but the truth is our lives are just very different. Theirs are child focused, they always want to go and bring th kids out and I'm just not interested in that as it's not really enjoyable for a variety or reason, it hurts. You're right.

@bravotango

It's really hard, I've just had another friend surprised at how quickly she was able to conceive. I normally get over it quietly and privately, which is shit but I would feel worse if any of my upset got back to her.

I hate that line 'oh we thought it would takes ages'. Oh do fuck off is what I feel like saying in response to people that say this.

@rose88xx did you see a general therapist or was it a fertility related one?

@NumberTheory

It took me over 5 years. One thing I realised quite early on in my journey was that I might never succeed and I needed to be able to envision a good life without children to stop the lack of them seeming so devastating. So I regularly spent time day dreaming about good things that would be better without children. Foreign holidays and two seater sports cars. Sundays in bed with DH. Evenings out on the spur of the moment. Weekends away with friends. Volunteering abroad for a year. Stuff I knew we’d have to give up on or cut right back on if I did get pregnant. I’m pretty pragmatic anyway, so maybe it wasn’t to do with this. But I credit it with increasing my resilience and helping me be happy when it looked like nothing was going work. It can be hard to do at first if you aren’t used to forcing yourself to put thoughts aside and think about something else. And it takes time to develop ideas that become familiar enough to slip into to distract you from other thoughts. But it may be worth a try.

I think this is a good suggestion to try @NumberTheory. A family member told me long before I thought about having children myself that they coped by giving themselves a date by which they were going to try until and then stop. No more IVF etc from that date and that was how they coped. So when we went through years of miscarriages, my DH and I sat down and planned the life we would lead with things we would love to do that wouldn’t be possible if we were ever successful having kids. It definitely helped me cope.

@announceno,

She was a fertility specialist. I did speak to a couple of others too, so you do need to find the correct fit. I really liked that she didn’t do too much psychoanalysis, more just a venting session! She also knew loads about hormone levels and different treatments etc, so could really understand the specifics of what I was going through (receiving test results, having procedures etc) which was important to me. It wasn’t cheap, but on top of what we were paying already for treatment it didn’t feel too bad!

It took years for me to have DS. I used to tell myself that the baby isn't a prize, they didn't win and I didn't loose. What I meant was that someone else's pregnancy had no impact on my lack of pregnancy - we hadn't competed for the same baby.
Sometimes it helped. Sometimes I sobbed.

Some of these suggestions are really good, thank you.

Sometimes it can seem like there's nothing to do but feel sorry for myself, but going to try some of these. I like the idea of focusing on things we can do without children, looking up holidays as we speak!

I actually just let myself be sad about it. I wait until I’m home of course, I don’t cry in front of a friend who has shared happy news! But I acknowledge that I’m sad, let myself have a little cry, remind myself that them having a baby makes it no less likely that I will have one and try to move on to something else by watching a film or reading a book

I had miscarriages so understand the pain, I honestly broke down crying seeing a pregnant woman on the cover of a magazine in a shop once. I had to stop using social media and avoid any gossipy news websites for a while, basically tried to avoid pregnancy and babies as much as I possibly could.

@CookieMumsters

It took years for me to have DS. I used to tell myself that the baby isn't a prize, they didn't win and I didn't loose. What I meant was that someone else's pregnancy had no impact on my lack of pregnancy - we hadn't competed for the same baby. Sometimes it helped. Sometimes I sobbed.

This makes so much sense

I totally remember this and remember coming off social
Media to avoid the constant announcements and pictures of uteruses.
💐💐

Go through Facebook and Instagram and mute or remove anyone who isn’t a close friend, and anyone already pregnant. One of the hardest parts is being caught off guard with pregnancy posts, this should reduce that. If you mute people they don’t know you’ve muted them so it’s perfect. Sending lots of love.

I usually send a generic congratulatory message just to get it over with, and then put them on silent if possible (you know like 'dont show me content like this') If they are a close friend/relative, I am letting them know that it may take me a bit of time to get back to them because I am dealing with something. It's not easy, keep a journal of all the feelings/emotions that come to you and keep reminding yourself that ALL OF THEM are acceptable and completely normal.

Hugs to you x

They are everywhere for sure. I don't really understand the attention seeking, I wouldn't be doing it. Much rather be back in the 50s when women just got on with it and didn't expect praise and draw attention to it. Must be old fashioned! No one really cares about someone's pregnancy other than family anyway.