DP’s intensity.

[User12310]

DP and I have been together 20 years and have two small-ish children. We’ve probably lost our way a bit and are kids, work and life admin focused.

This week I’ve been ill. I’ve kept apart from him at night since Thursday and we attended separate family events yesterday. Today he’s said to me that he’s missed me and wants to be in the same bed again tonight. Fine. He’s also being quite affectionate - hugs and kisses not gropey (I’ve read all the threads!).
I’m way less affection than him, but think I’ve reciprocated a bit today.

The final straw was that I was washing up, literally scrubbing a pan, and he hugs me and says ‘miss you’. I snapped and said ‘I’m here, right here’ and he wasn’t impressed.

He’s now gone off to a pre arranged thing with the kids and i’m left wondering if i’m really that bad?

I can't blame him, really. Don't lose sight of the fact you're a couple as well as parents, otherwise once the kids have left home, what do you have?

Why does he miss you? You sound cold and hard work

@TheCatWearsPrada I don’t know why he misses me! I was in the room. I think he means quality time but he had already told me that.

I do think I am quite cold at times though.

Yep - I think that was pretty mean OP.

I wouldn't speak to my DH like that, even if I thought he was being a silly and I'd be hurt if he did to me.

You just smile and respond 'awwww you dafty!'

People's feelings matter.

Sounds like the poor bloke's trying to reaffirm his feelings for you, in the hope he might receive some genuine affection back.

Probably easier to get blood out of a stone from the sound of it.

That doesn't sound like intense behaviour more like he misses your company.

Is he a good partner in other areas? Are you happy otherwise?

I would get annoyed if my partner did that when you're right there with them. YANBU. I find that really needy behaviour.

@lemongreentea he’s a good partner. Little bit grumpy and shouty at times but always apologises. Works hard for us.

I’ve always been a little cold. I’m not the most affectionate. Im struggling a bit with work and anxiety/anxious thoughts on it.

I posted because I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable. I guess I am. We can all justify things to ourselves, which I obvious have done!

I totally understand you. I'm affectionate but I can't be doing with being touched all the time. It's claustrophobic. But I still said YABU because, although I'd probably have said the same, it's unreasonable to be annoyed by the affection of your partner. And I can understand why he was justifiably upset.

@TacoCats yeah, it’s the neediness that gets me. I have two young children too and an intense job. I feel like it’s too much. Others disagree!

It sounds to me like he's trying to make an effort to bring you closer together. Your reaction was quite cruel.

Wow you're mean OP. He was just trying to be affectionate, so it's not all about scrubbing pans and kids

Yes you're being totally unreasonable! Your DH is trying to show you affection!

If you’re not very demonstrative, surely he knows how you’re likely to react, after 20 years? Or has the dynamic in your relationship changed recently/post children?

If he wants to be more affectionate though, he could of took over the washing up let op have a rest I'm sure she'd appreciate that more than that! It reminds me of a needy teenager who wants that after dealing with needy young kids all day. Sod that.

I get where you're coming from op. It's a question of an individuals love language. I'm not touchy feely but I'm thoughtful, generous, empathic and good at kind gestures. Maybe you can talk with him about how you both express love in your own ways. When the DC were small I felt all used up and found random hugs irritating too !

@watcherintherye definitely less affectionate since kids. He resents that. I’m touched out and the mental load is heavy.

Gottman would describe him making a "bid" towards you. I think your rejection could have been softer and kinder.

If you're cold when stresses explain that to him (and your children) as they will feel it.

Yes! @TenRedThings I am like that. We do discuss languages. Mine is gifts 😳 and his is affection and words of affirmation. He gives what he wants and I give what I do. We do make efforts to consider the other though. I think me, more so than him, but a hug is easier than the time it takes to give something to me (and by that I mean a trip to the garage for a chocolate bar not diamonds!).

If you want to stay together you know what you need to work on. If you expect to still be together once the kids have grown and flown the nest you need to make an effort now so you still know and life each other.

Saying you’re cold and always have been doesn’t make it okay. Poor bloke.

The correct response is: "I miss you too, sweetheart. Come help me finish up these dishes."

[quote User12310]@watcherintherye definitely less affectionate since kids. He resents that. I’m touched out and the mental load is heavy.[/quote]
I really understand that. I think some men struggle, post-children, to come to terms with not being top priority any more. Not saying they don’t love their kids, too, but seem to think it’s easy for us to keep all the plates spinning. It isn’t.

So needy! That would give me the ick

I can relate to being irritated at his neediness. When you are working and looking after young kids having an adult wanting stuff from you can be really draining.

But you do sound a bit cold. He was trying to be affectionate - I would just have faked it until I made it with that one. Your reaction was needlessly unkind.

Hi Op,

I’m the same as you and feel awful for it. My dh is amazing, but he’s so tactile and in recent year I’ve become less so. I’m not very huggy with my kids either.

I think it stems from never getting any alone time. Ever!! I’m either at work with a bunch of kids or at home with my family.

When I’m at home I just want to be left alone, which is really sad for all of us