DP’s intensity.

[User12310]

DP and I have been together 20 years and have two small-ish children. We’ve probably lost our way a bit and are kids, work and life admin focused.

This week I’ve been ill. I’ve kept apart from him at night since Thursday and we attended separate family events yesterday. Today he’s said to me that he’s missed me and wants to be in the same bed again tonight. Fine. He’s also being quite affectionate - hugs and kisses not gropey (I’ve read all the threads!).
I’m way less affection than him, but think I’ve reciprocated a bit today.

The final straw was that I was washing up, literally scrubbing a pan, and he hugs me and says ‘miss you’. I snapped and said ‘I’m here, right here’ and he wasn’t impressed.

He’s now gone off to a pre arranged thing with the kids and i’m left wondering if i’m really that bad?

I like affection but I’d cringe if someone said they were missing me when I was there in the room with them.

I understand what you mean. DH said after a recent holiday that he felt he’d hardly spent any time with me. Which is fine, except he then said it four times over then next day or two. It was a family holiday, did he expect lots of one on one time?
Mine also tries to cuddle me when I’m busy which is annoying. It makes me jump! I’ve told him too.

Tell him you're sad about the misunderstanding, and that you'd never want to upset him. Talk to him about how it felt to be touched when you were busy and stressed. Would you have felt better if he'd stroked your back and offered you a cuppa, rather than actually enfolding you?

DH leans on me when he does this, and it's really uncomfortable. It's hard work supporting him as well as myself, physically speaking!

Also, consider together what time you get to yourself, what time you spend together, whole family time, and what time you spend alone with DC. There needs to be a reasonable balance.

It may be that while he pulls his weight and engages with the DC, you are never alone while he has alone time built in to the schedule. That would definitely impact how you responded to him.

It does sound like you're all touched out and emotionally drained I don't think you're mean and I won't call it unreasonable because you were probably at the end of your patience tether and snapped without meaning to. I do think it would be unreasonable to not say sorry and maybe explain the demands on you rejection is not a nice feeling and it genuinely sounds like despite his neediness he adores you and wants to share that with you and some of your time, get yourself a nice relaxed bath then try give some affection if able.

@MsWalterMitty alone time is vital. True alone time, not just going to the shops or washing while DP takes the kids to the park. I spend so much time on my phone trying to get some me time.

@SheWoreYellow this is exactly what my DP would say. Tiresome and another guilt trip. But that’s cold little me saying that .

I have apologised for what I said and that I would rather he just said I’d like to spend some time with you rather than it being another problem to fix, which is what ‘I miss you’ sounded like.

I’ve give him a hug off the cuff and said we’ll put the phones away this evening. After a nice long solo bath that is.

@User12310 DH has gone in/out to work today for the first time in forever.

OMG the peace and quiet.... it's amazing.

Fear not, your DC will one day soon lock themselves in their room instead of following you to the toilet, and you'll have a bit more patience for your DP!

I look forward to that time @picklemewalnuts. Actually will probably just cry on him about missing my babies!