Do you think this is rude?

[weleasewoderick23]

I have a long term friend who I love dearly, however, whenever I visit her she never sits still. She'll make me a cuppa then carry on with what she's doing and I find myself following her around the house just to get a conversation. Her DH is the same eg he leaves the telly on quite loud but isn't watching it and I find it really off putting. I end up leaving after about 1/2 hour because I feel like I'm intruding on their time.

On the other hand, when she comes to me I turn the telly off, sit down and give her my full attention.

AIBU?

So if you didn’t follow her around the house you would just be sitting alone drinking your tea? Yeah that’s rude.

Forgot to say... I have brought it up with her and she can't see that there's a problem. She just says "I'm still listening to you" but it's like trying to have a conversation with a door!

Yes YABU. I don’t think any of us can expect other people to do things to our preferences.
The key is being adaptable to the situation or choose not to engage.

Does she invite you over? It sounds like she doesn't want you there if she is always doing other things

Has she invited you round for a certain time for coffee or have you just turned up?

What does she do it you arrange to meet somewhere neutral, eg a cafe?

@CounsellorTroi

Yes, pretty much. There's been a few times when I've visited and been sat with a cuppa whilst her DH has shampooed the carpet right in front of me!

I know someone like this and it drives me mad. Really puts me on edge.
And it wouldn’t be me spontaneously popping in, but I’d be invited. Or she would offer a cup of tea then proceed to start scrubbing the kitchen top to bottom before making it. So odd.

Yes, she's invited me. I never turn up unannounced. I just think that if you've invited someone over then you should give some attention to your guest, even if it's only for a little while.

Is it a pre arranged or agreed visit? Then yes. Id say I can see this is inconvenient, and leave.
If you've just showed up, unannounced, and youve got form for it, then they've clearly had enough and not so subtlety telling you.

@AprilShowers82

You get it!
It's as if she's trying to prove a point : look how busy I am

It depends, if she has invited you over then yes it's rude and i would find it quite odd to be invited around to follow someone around thier home rather than just relax and socialise. If you've popped over at a convenient time for yourself, without first checking it is convenient for her and her DH, in that scenario you would be considered rude for expecting them to drop what they are doing or have planned to immediately host you.

Oops cross posted I can see you were invited in that case she is rude

It's the fact that she seems to think it's ok. When we arrange for me to go over I'd rather she just said I e got loads to do, can we make it another time?
My sister does it too and it makes me feel completely invisible.

People who phone me then talk whilst filling their dishwashers are rude imo. So you friend is rude imo

Just see her in a cafe.?

Thanks everyone, I thought I was just being unreasonable!

I think that in future I'll just arrange to meet somewhere.

Meet her elsewhere? It is rude but difficult to change. If you are in a coffee shop she’ll have to sit vaguely still.

I agree that meeting someone and then failing to give them your attention is insulting.

Yeah I think that'd be annoying - are you able to say something to her?

@UnsuitableHat

I have said something! She doesn't seem to think there's a problem as she says she's listening to me. If I don't follow her around I just sit there like a lemon till I decide to leave.

It's definitely rude.

I wouldn't accept in the future and I'd tell her why.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

On the back of this thread I've decided not to go to her house any time soon. I will tell her why too.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Just see her in a cafe.?

Yes I would do this but be prepared for her to be on her phone the whole time.

@CounsellorTroi

Haha, that's so true!
What's the matter with some people eh?

Its weird though I wonder whether or not she has something else going on? Is she anxious? Have ADHD? Not got enough time to do things around the house?

It sounds like she doesn't value taking a moment to stop and just "be" with you. That's not a good or bad thing, its just what it is. You could try shaping her behaviour by going if she starts doing things. Politely say "it seems you are busy so I am going to go. Let me know when you have more time" and then leave. She should soon amend her behaviour.

I can be a bit like this ie I might say "oh I need to strip the beds/bath the dogs/whatever, come and chat to me while I do it". I struggle to sit still but I wouldn't leave a friend sitting alone in my living room. That's rude.