Keep arguing with DH, keeps telling me I'm nagging

[notmyfirstpost22]

My husband works a lot, so he's not home that much.

When he is home, it's like a tornado has hit the house.

We keep fighting because I apparently ' nag ' and ' moan ' and won't leave him alone.

I'll just give you an example of what he does :

When he makes cereal or anything, his instinct isn't to take cereal, milk etc out - use them and then put them straight back. He just leaves it all on the side. It will still be out, hours later, so I ask him please to put it away. When he eats, he leaves it all on the table. He just gets up and does other stuff. It doesn't cross his mind to clear it up. I always have to remind him. That's just two tiny examples. But as soon as he's home, it's a mess.

I always have to ask him to do stuff and he just keeps flipping back at me. I don't know how to get through to him or change things. He does other cleaning up jobs, to be fair to him- like sorting out amazon packages and and bins and yesterday he cleared our utility room etc.

I asked him please to pick up the baby toys off the floor and Chuck them in the toy basket before he went to bed last night. I'm about to give birth, so bending down is really difficult for me at the moment.

Of course he didn't bother and when I said I was disappointed, we had another fight. It's constant fighting basically about these things.

I mean come on, why can't you consistently put your plate at least near the sink after you've eaten ? And put the milk back in the fridge after you've used it and not leave it for 5 hours. It's very very very frustrating and we are really starting to hate each other I think. There are no longer any nice words really. He also just seems fed up of me in general. Never listening to what I have to say and just seems so bored when I talk. He just looks away all the time and doesn't really respond. I have to constantly ask him if he's listening to me because he just seems to be ignoring me and not engaging properly.

I don't really know what more you can do if you told him multiple times and he still hasn't changed. Do you or did you clear up after him because he seems to have got used to being cleared up after.

Apart from the milk don’t do anything for him

Wash your own stuff, plates that you’ve used etc and hide them away.

When he complains that the house is a tip and he can’t find any clean bowls, shrug and say “I didn’t want to nag”

He's also becoming really nasty quickly now when I ask him to clear up. He just says ' leave me the fuck alone '. All you do is nag and complain.

Before we had kids, I just left things out and refused to clear up after him. But obviously you can't live like that when you have kids.

He sounds like a complete child, what on earth is wrong with him, why does he think it’s your job to clear up all his mess?

It’s not nagging it’s wanting to live like a normal adult in a household.

Your marriage is doomed. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's true. You both have so much contempt for each other, not that yours isn't justified. Your husband is horrible.

So he's always been like this and despite it bothering you, you continued your relationship then had kids and thought he might suddenly change and pull out a finger?

Have you honestly considered if your life would be easier and a lot less frustrating and resentful if you left him, raised the kids on your own and bundled then off on him for contact giving you time to yourself? You will have one less 'child' to clean up after. I suppose you do all housework and his laundry, ironing etc too? As you said, he works long hours as it is, has been like this since before kids and reacts awfully when you raise it with him...

It really can be greener on the other side

@LawnFever

He sounds like a complete child, what on earth is wrong with him, why does he think it’s your job to clear up all his mess?

It’s not nagging it’s wanting to live like a normal adult in a household.

That's what I said to him yesterday. I'm sick of living with a child. Just grow up and live like a normal adult please.

It's really not a lot to ask. He doesn't need to do any of the actual cleaning or washing clothes, I take that all off his shoulders because he's literally never home. But the least you can do is just clear up after yourself when you're home !

It isn't nagging. It is reminding him several times that he hasn't done what he was supposed to do. If he did as he was asked you wouldn't have to keep reminding him. He is defensive because he knows he is in the wrong. You are his wife not his housekeeper.

I agree with PP, stop doing things for him.

Compare your situation now to doing it on your own (which you basically are) but getting weekends to yourself whilst he has contact with the kids

‘Before we had kids, I just left things out and refused to clear up after him. But obviously you can't live like that when you have kids.’

But if he was like that before kids what made you think he would change? He’s the same person he always was but now you’re about to have your second child with him.

@RampantIvy

It isn't nagging. It is reminding him several times that he hasn't done what he was supposed to do. If he did as he was asked you wouldn't have to keep reminding him. He is defensive because he knows he is in the wrong. You are his wife not his housekeeper.

I agree with PP, stop doing things for him.

He shouldn't even need to be asked. These are such basic things. He just doesn't do them regularly enough. I'm not saying he never clears away his plate. But 7 times out of 10 when I come down in the morning, all his food is still out all over the kitchen. And I mean butter and bread all just ripped open and left there. He works very long hours, so I get he's tired. But it doesn't take much just to clear it away a bit. It would take 10 minutes. Even just Chuck the plates in the sink and the butter in the fridge.

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

‘Before we had kids, I just left things out and refused to clear up after him. But obviously you can't live like that when you have kids.’

But if he was like that before kids what made you think he would change? He’s the same person he always was but now you’re about to have your second child with him.

We always talked about how the party would be over once we had kids and we needed to improve... I have improved, he has improved too, but not enough.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

This sums it up.

If he doesn't recognise that it's not just about dishes it's about not caring about your feelings and haven't contempt for you, then there's no hope. He won't change, or probably only when he realises you've had enough and then it's too late.

*having not haven't

@Yellownightmare

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

This sums it up.

If he doesn't recognise that it's not just about dishes it's about not caring about your feelings and haven't contempt for you, then there's no hope. He won't change, or probably only when he realises you've had enough and then it's too late.

Going to send that to him today

I would not be with someone who told me to “leave (him) the fuck alone”. You don’t speak to someone you love like that. What he’s doing shows a complete lack of respect for you. He’s showing you that he expects you to clean up after him. Would he carry on like this if he lived alone? I doubt it. He’d realise how much food he’d be wasting. He’s a complete dick.

As you're about to give birth you will need to priortise yourself, stop picking up after him. Just do the minimum such a milk away.

It seems like he has contempt for you and if that's the case it usually spells the end of a marriage.

Anyone who told me to leave them the fuck alone would get exactly that on a permanent basis. He has no respect for you or your home.This isn't about leaving the milk out in a forgetful way. I work long hours, full time and single parent two kids. I manage to put the milk away. Unless you are happy to put up with this forever, I suggest two things:

1. Explain calmly that you won't live like this and he WILL lose his marriage if he continues
2. Start looking at what separation would involve, what you can afford, childcare etc. There are a lot of benefits a LP can claim that I had no idea about before my ex left.

I think he thinks he already does plenty and that I just want perfection and I'm unreasonably nagging.

But it's not that.

Remind him that the definition of a nag is someone who is not being heard.

@Yellownightmare

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

This sums it up.

If he doesn't recognise that it's not just about dishes it's about not caring about your feelings and haven't contempt for you, then there's no hope. He won't change, or probably only when he realises you've had enough and then it's too late.

This is interesting. But, it misses a big point. The man may think that glass takes 4 seconds or whatever to put in dishwasher. But it is 4 sec of his wife’s time. Every time. And the seconds for the other things. And the minutes for those accumulated things over a day. And the hours accumulated over the year. And the days accumulated over the marriage. Add to that the minutes of feeling annoyed that you have to put the bloody glass in dishwasher cos he can’t be bothered unless someone comes over, or when he might suddenly realise he’s finished with it, then your talking about the wife having to spend her valuable time picking up after a bloke who won’t accept it’s not his private bachelor pad anymore

Are there so many mothers out there who didn't raise their sons to clear up after themselves and respect their living space for their own and everyone else's sake? The mind boggles.

@stripeyflowers

Are there so many mothers out there who didn't raise their sons to clear up after themselves and respect their living space for their own and everyone else's sake? The mind boggles.

I think mine thinks he'll just do it later. But then later never comes.. or some people like to leave things to pile up and then do it all in one go. Which also never happens in our case. Sometimes we let it pile up and most of the time it's still me who'll end up clearing it.

He occasionally does it.

But to me it makes sense to clear up as you go. Then it's quick and easy and always looks nice. I think our styles are different. He thinks it's fine to leave it a few hours and I don't.

"Before we had kids, I just left things out and refused to clear up after him. But obviously you can't live like that when you have kids."

So he has always been this way. He hasn't changed since having children (few people do) and he won't change in the future either. This is how he's going to be, forever.

"He's also becoming really nasty quickly now when I ask him to clear up. He just says ' leave me the fuck alone '. All you do is nag and complain."
'Leave me the fuck alone'? He clearly has no respect for you. And I don't believe it's possible to love anyone you don't respect .

"My husband works a lot, so he's not home that much."
Sometimes, people work a lot because they're workaholics, sometimes because that's the nature of the job (and they have the personality that wants a job like that so again a workaholic), sometimes the employer puts a lot of pressure on them, sometimes they're doing overtime because they need the money - and sometimes they work a lot because they really don't want to go home (been there, done that).

I think you need to work out his main reason for working so much, because they will all point you in different directions. Someone feeling stressed by money worries is a very different scenario from someone who doesn't want to be around their spouse and child. The former can have a solution, the latter cannot.

I understand you, OP. My DH seems just to have started to make a real effort but it's taken a long time. It gets exhausting. In the end it's not about the dirty dish.

He is fond of saying 'I'll do anything for you' to which I would respond, 'yes, except wipe the counter after you've used and put the dishes in the sink. It's not like I'm asking you clean all the windows or build me a patio!'

It seems to be penetrating but the hurt of it all eats into you. Now I'm thinking 'if you could do this all along why did it take this long!' It all costs emotionally in the end.