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AIBU?

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Original poster

Keep arguing with DH, keeps telling me I'm nagging

53 replies

notmyfirstpost22 · 06/03/2022 09:16

My husband works a lot, so he's not home that much.

When he is home, it's like a tornado has hit the house.

We keep fighting because I apparently ' nag ' and ' moan ' and won't leave him alone.

I'll just give you an example of what he does :

When he makes cereal or anything, his instinct isn't to take cereal, milk etc out - use them and then put them straight back. He just leaves it all on the side. It will still be out, hours later, so I ask him please to put it away. When he eats, he leaves it all on the table. He just gets up and does other stuff. It doesn't cross his mind to clear it up. I always have to remind him. That's just two tiny examples. But as soon as he's home, it's a mess.

I always have to ask him to do stuff and he just keeps flipping back at me. I don't know how to get through to him or change things. He does other cleaning up jobs, to be fair to him- like sorting out amazon packages and and bins and yesterday he cleared our utility room etc.

I asked him please to pick up the baby toys off the floor and Chuck them in the toy basket before he went to bed last night. I'm about to give birth, so bending down is really difficult for me at the moment.

Of course he didn't bother and when I said I was disappointed, we had another fight. It's constant fighting basically about these things.

I mean come on, why can't you consistently put your plate at least near the sink after you've eaten ? And put the milk back in the fridge after you've used it and not leave it for 5 hours. It's very very very frustrating and we are really starting to hate each other I think. There are no longer any nice words really. He also just seems fed up of me in general. Never listening to what I have to say and just seems so bored when I talk. He just looks away all the time and doesn't really respond. I have to constantly ask him if he's listening to me because he just seems to be ignoring me and not engaging properly.

OP posts:
zigzag56445 · 06/03/2022 10:34

This

But he won't change.

Keep arguing with DH, keeps telling me I'm nagging
Viviennemary · 06/03/2022 10:42

You sound like very hard work. I couldn't put up with this. No wonder he works a lot. He is just an untidy person. Nobody's perfect.

Itwasntmeright · 06/03/2022 10:44

I couldn’t live like this, the lack of respect would drive me mad. My teenager will clear up after himself and has done since he’s been old enough to do things for himself. It’s so rude just leaving stuff around. Even if he’ll clear it up later, does he really think everybody else wants to be navigating their way around the shit he can’t be bothered to tidy up? Putting the lid back on the butter and putting the butter back in the fridge is basic food hygiene FFS, and putting away things when you’ve used them is having basic respect for your surroundings and the people you share it with.

He’s playing brinksmanship. Deep down he thinks if he leaves it long enough it’ll be cleared away by someone else, you. Evidently he grew up in a household where things were magically tidied away. You shouldn’t have to do the most basic tidying up after anyone who is old enough to do it themselves, I mean putting the milk back in the fridge is simply a case of turning around, stepping across the kitchen, opening up the fridge and putting it in. If it was the case that he never had to do it before then he would change his behavior when you mentioned it, but the fact that he has a go at you demonstrates that he doesn’t think it should be his job. There’s not much you can do about that I’m afraid, it’s a fundamental incompatibility, and as he is unwilling to alter his behavior in anyway you’re either stuck with it or you leave. You could try couples counseling, but honestly, any adult who is so fundamentally entitled is going to be a hard job to turn around long term. You could give him an ultimatum, I’m fed up with this shit, change your behavior or I’m leaving, but then you have to follow through if he doesn’t otherwise it’s just further proof to him that he can carry on.

Also consider the impact example this will give to your DC. Mommy says tidy up but daddy never does and mommy still loves him. It’s just no good, you’re on to a loser.

OhMygodddd · 06/03/2022 10:48

My 12 year old cleans up after themselves when doing breakfast, let me just tell you her age again, 12.
I couldn’t live with a man like that, seriously I couldn’t!

MunchyMonsters · 06/03/2022 10:50

My EX used to do this. Every time he left something out, I'd put it in his car.

Petty yes. EX definitely.

Original poster
notmyfirstpost22 · 06/03/2022 10:51

@Viviennemary

You sound like very hard work. I couldn't put up with this. No wonder he works a lot. He is just an untidy person. Nobody's perfect.
I appreciate another view on this, thanks.

Do you think it's OK to be untidy and then complain the house is a mess when no one clears up after you ? That's a bit of a problem I think. Being untidy but complaining that it's untidy.

Some people genuinely don't care if it's a mess, but he does actually care. He just doesn't want to put the work in.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 06/03/2022 10:59

I also missed the bit whern you said you were pregnant. Sorry. But as an untidy person myself I havd a bit of sympathy for him. But no he shouldn't complain the house is a mess. He shouldn't leave the milk out. Even I don't do that.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/03/2022 11:08

@notmyfirstpost22

He's also becoming really nasty quickly now when I ask him to clear up. He just says ' leave me the fuck alone '. All you do is nag and complain.

Before we had kids, I just left things out and refused to clear up after him. But obviously you can't live like that when you have kids.

But if he's always been like this, why did you expect him to change?
InFiveMins · 06/03/2022 11:09

I couldn't live with someone like this, he sounds incredibly selfish and disrespectful. You're not his housekeeper.

I'd tell him he either starts tidying up after himself or he's out.

Original poster
notmyfirstpost22 · 06/03/2022 11:10

@fairylightsandwaxmelts because he always said he will be different when we have kids. I wasn't the tidiest either. I changed and he did not.

OP posts:
Original poster
notmyfirstpost22 · 06/03/2022 11:12

@Viviennemary

I also missed the bit whern you said you were pregnant. Sorry. But as an untidy person myself I havd a bit of sympathy for him. But no he shouldn't complain the house is a mess. He shouldn't leave the milk out. Even I don't do that.
I get it. I've also had to work hard to change my habits and I'm ultimately not perfect. But I decided and so did he that we cannot live in a mess when we have kids as it's slobby and we want to set a good example to them. We always lived in clean homes and had very responsible parents. We both want to raise our kids in a clean environment and often spoke about how important that was to us before we had kids.
OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/03/2022 11:14

[quote notmyfirstpost22]@fairylightsandwaxmelts because he always said he will be different when we have kids. I wasn't the tidiest either. I changed and he did not. [/quote]
Oh dear.

I'm afraid you were a bit foolish expecting him to break the habits of a lifetime.

ChiselandBits · 06/03/2022 11:17

I have two friends, married to each other. Their house is an absolute bombsite. Envelopes from letters just strewn on the floor where they are dropped. Kitchen counters permanently covered in dishes and plastic bags and discarded wrapping and stuff left out of cupboards. I hate it. But I don't live there. They are both fine with it, both create the mess and accept that is how it is. But if there is a mismatch of expectations then the absolute minimum the messy one should do is clear up their OWN mess and not expect anyone else to do. If the OP's husband was saying it doesn'tt bother him and wasn't expecting it to be done by someone else, then that's trickier. But he does want a tidy house, just not at his own effort. She already does the bulk of thinhgs, which, as a SAHM is fine I think, but bare minimum of the odd bit of toy picking up and putting the milk away that any school aged child could be expected to do is taking the piss.

Original poster
notmyfirstpost22 · 06/03/2022 11:18

@fairylightsandwaxmelts why could I break them then ? I don't accept that sorry. People can change. I did and I work on myself every day. I also want to lay around all day, but I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
notmyfirstpost22 · 06/03/2022 11:20

@ChiselandBits

I have two friends, married to each other. Their house is an absolute bombsite. Envelopes from letters just strewn on the floor where they are dropped. Kitchen counters permanently covered in dishes and plastic bags and discarded wrapping and stuff left out of cupboards. I hate it. But I don't live there. They are both fine with it, both create the mess and accept that is how it is. But if there is a mismatch of expectations then the absolute minimum the messy one should do is clear up their OWN mess and not expect anyone else to do. If the OP's husband was saying it doesn'tt bother him and wasn't expecting it to be done by someone else, then that's trickier. But he does want a tidy house, just not at his own effort. She already does the bulk of thinhgs, which, as a SAHM is fine I think, but bare minimum of the odd bit of toy picking up and putting the milk away that any school aged child could be expected to do is taking the piss.
I'm not even a stay at home mum anyway. I work full time. I'm happy to pick up most of the housework ( and use cleaners ) as he's not around much. But the bare minimum is clearing up after yourself.
OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/03/2022 11:24

[quote notmyfirstpost22]@fairylightsandwaxmelts why could I break them then ? I don't accept that sorry. People can change. I did and I work on myself every day. I also want to lay around all day, but I don't. [/quote]
You broke your habits because you wanted to. He doesn't want to - he's made that perfectly obvious. It's also obvious that he doesn't much care for your time or efforts. Personally, I wouldn't stay with someone who had such a low opinion of me.

But IMO it was foolish to marry someone you know to be lazy and messy and expect them to change. He's showing you exactly who he is - instead of trying to change him, believe him.

FlowerArranger · 06/03/2022 11:31

This is about way more than him being a messy slob. It's about lack of respect....... contempt even. And the absence of care, affection, love.

I think he has mentally and emotionally detached from you, and his outbursts are a reflection of this. What discussions did you have before you decided to conceive another child - because it seems like he has checked out of the marriage...

RampantIvy · 06/03/2022 11:34

@Viviennemary

You sound like very hard work. I couldn't put up with this. No wonder he works a lot. He is just an untidy person. Nobody's perfect.
No she doesn't. She has higher standards than you. I would hate to be living with someone like the OP's DH.
stripeyflowers · 06/03/2022 11:44

I am a naturally untidy, disorganisesd, slapdash person. I've trained myself to be better. The difference is, if I do slip up and leave a bit of mess somewhere it's generally because I'm in a rush or have simply forgotten. I don't expect him to clear it up - which of course he mostly won't because mess doesn't bother him that much so it's no big deal.

timeisnotaline · 06/03/2022 11:48

I think when he complained about the mess would be the point I lost it. Have you tried screaming , grabbing a bin bag and saying if it’s my mess I tidy it, it’s your fucking mess and I’m not your servant, and throwing every thing he has left lying around the past week into the bag then throwing the bag at him? Seriously, I thikk my that would fall solidly into the very stupid things I will never ever say again for my husband. Stop ‘nagging’ and go nuclear. The alternative is just that it takes longer to end up hating him anyway so you may as well.

CaptSkippy · 06/03/2022 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

endofthelinefinally · 06/03/2022 12:17

@stripeyflowers

Are there so many mothers out there who didn't raise their sons to clear up after themselves and respect their living space for their own and everyone else's sake? The mind boggles.
Why is it always mothers fault? As boys mature they model themselves on the male role models around them. Society encourages that and it is very hard for women to overcome that.
CaptSkippy · 06/03/2022 12:36

@endofthelinefinally

I agree. My parents taught me most of how to be an adult and the things they didn't teach me I taught myself, because I wanted to know. I used the library when I was younger and now the internet.

Any adult men who doesn't know how to do fairly simply things doesn't want to know because he expects that a woman will do it for him at some point and they get anrgy when no woman will.

2022success · 06/03/2022 12:46

It sounds like he has zero respect for you. Sad

Nanny0gg · 06/03/2022 12:54

@notmyfirstpost22

I think he thinks he already does plenty and that I just want perfection and I'm unreasonably nagging.

But it's not that.

Ask him who's going to do it when you're divorced?

And how will he manage all those hours, housework, shopping and life admin when he has the DC every other weekend and once in the week?