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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds not invited to Best friend party - wwyd?

43 replies

ScoutFinchMockingbird · 06/03/2022 08:43

Ds11 probably has ASD and struggles with friendships. He has a boy he views as his best friend. This boy is v popular and has lots of friends. It was his birthday last week and DD wasn't invited to the party.

This is pretty much ds's only friend and while I realise his friend is free to make his own choices, it does damage ds"s confidence even more.

We do currently hold an offer for the local very well regarded secondary where no one from his school will go. All the kids at his current private prep school will move to senior section.

Would you move Ds to give him a fresh start and hopefully a more diverse range of children, where he might meet his tribe? Or let him move to next section and hope there is a new child who gels with him?

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/03/2022 08:45

What does he want to do?
Though if he only has one person he deems a friend but that isn’t reciprocated then maybe a change would really benefit him

Newmumatlast · 06/03/2022 08:45

I would move him. This is his only friend and the friend obviously does not view DS in the same way DS views him. Moving may, as you say, open up the potential for DS to find his place. Staying with the current lot of kids I think it's unlikely they'll suddenly change preferences and friendships in any significant way

Darbs76 · 06/03/2022 08:46

Sounds like a change would do him good

ImJustNotMeAnymore · 06/03/2022 08:47

I would move him. It sounds as though it would be the kindest option for him. But you know best so follow your gut.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 06/03/2022 08:47

Not sure what your voting options are. Personally I would move him to the secondary.

ImAvingOops · 06/03/2022 08:48

I think I would move him. It's horrible not having any friends and being left out - the social element of school is really important to children.

yellowtwo · 06/03/2022 08:49

If he would like to go to a new school too, I'd move him Op. Could be the best thing for him.

Howeverdoyouneedme · 06/03/2022 08:49

State secondary? Yes, I’d move him there. If he has additional needs he would almost certainly be better catered for there.

Are there any parents you know who send their children to that school?

Stressedout1009 · 06/03/2022 08:50

Sorry about your ds not being invited. What did he say/feel about it. I would give him a fresh start. Going with the same bunch of kids is unlikely to change the situation.

Tigerteafor3 · 06/03/2022 08:51

Move him and spend the money you've saved on school fees getting him a private assessment. Not entirely sure why you've waited so long.

endofthelinefinally · 06/03/2022 08:51

I think you should move him.
2 reasons.
You generally only get one chance at a place in a decent state school. If you have money you can easily move from state to private at any time.
A good state school will usually have better trained staff and support for ND children. Your ds will not be the only child with ASD.

NiceTwin · 06/03/2022 08:51

My dd with ASC went to a school where none of her primary peers went.
In primary she struggled with friendships and only had friends who were boys.

Grammar school was the making of her. She is still quirky, and always will be, but she has made many friends and is by all accounts a popular girl.

I would go for a fresh start in your position.

AprilShowers82 · 06/03/2022 08:51

I would love him, definitely. A fresh start will do him good, and give him the opportunity to meet new kids. I actually think it’s never a bad idea to move away from primary friends when transitioning to secondary school-friendship groups often drift apart anyway.
Hope your boy is ok.

Partyatnumber10 · 06/03/2022 08:54

About the party, that's really tough, your poor ds. How much do you know about the party though? Was it almost the whole class and ds was deliberately excluded? Or was it a case of the "best friend" could only choose 2 or 3 kids, he does like ds but has closer friends?
This does make a difference to how you progress.
Re the school thing, I think, tread carefully it might be a case of "out of the frying pan into the fire" so maybe book an appointment with their SENDCO and ask how his social needs can be supported there.
Also, I'd try to look creatively at ways he can make friends outside of school. Kids I know who struggle a bit socially have clicked with kids in specific sports groups, church groups, drama school or cadets for example. Would these be an option?

Rainbowqueeen · 06/03/2022 08:54

I’d move him.

finallyme2018 · 06/03/2022 08:57

Let him go somewhere he can have a new start, my son diagnosed with Asd, struggled all through primary school. It brought us both to near breaking point. 6 months at secondary school he has his tribe and is alot happier. Do not get me wrong there are still issues and there always will be, but he has his firm group of friends who are always there for him no matter what. They text him in holidays for a chat or asking if he wants to do different activities with them. His confidence has grown in leaps and bounds.

TheHoptimist · 06/03/2022 09:05

@endofthelinefinally

I think you should move him. 2 reasons. You generally only get one chance at a place in a decent state school. If you have money you can easily move from state to private at any time. A good state school will usually have better trained staff and support for ND children. Your ds will not be the only child with ASD.
You can’t move a child with ASD anytime. Most indies honour those they have but don’t admit more

Keep him where he is. If he is struggling at prep he will drown in a mainstream secondary

Look at extra curricular clubs as a way to make more friends

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/03/2022 09:21

Ask him how he feels. Don’t let him make the decision - he’s 11 - but take his feelings into account.

Overall I think ASD kids will do better in the indie sector - smaller classes, more order, less overwhelm.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/03/2022 09:29

I would move your ds. Idk what the provision has been like for him in private. However, I do know some people, who are very pleased with it in state secondary. If it doesn’t work out, he could move back to the independent sector. He ideally would remain in the school he sits his GCSEs from yr9 so you have time.

Therira · 06/03/2022 09:46

I’d move him. We had similar situation with our son (he was younger at the time) while at a smaller school. When we moved him to the larger school he found his little gang and is a lot happier. Best decision we made.

Howshouldibehave · 06/03/2022 09:54

Many children with ASD struggle with transition and moving to a whole new school (especially from what sounds like a private primary which can be very small) can be overwhelming. Only you know your child though. Have you discussed a potential move?

faw2009 · 06/03/2022 09:58

Things to consider:
How does SEN provision compare?
What was your feeling when you visited both schools?
How does your son feel?
Will attached prep take in more kids or will it be just same kid

I moved my ASD son at 11 and it worked out great.

PatchworkElmer · 06/03/2022 10:02

I’d move him.

Oddbobbyboo · 06/03/2022 10:21

Move him, my son experienced a similar situation. He’s like a different child now x he’s so happy z

jeaux90 · 06/03/2022 10:31

Honestly I don't think you should move him.

Independent sector has smaller class sizes and my ASD ADHD DD12 can't cope with the larger class sizes of the state sector. Too noisy etc

I'd let him stay where he is. The pastoral care is probably better too.