Ds not invited to Best friend party - wwyd?

[ScoutFinchMockingbird]

Ds11 probably has ASD and struggles with friendships. He has a boy he views as his best friend. This boy is v popular and has lots of friends. It was his birthday last week and DD wasn't invited to the party.

This is pretty much ds's only friend and while I realise his friend is free to make his own choices, it does damage ds"s confidence even more.

We do currently hold an offer for the local very well regarded secondary where no one from his school will go. All the kids at his current private prep school will move to senior section.

Would you move Ds to give him a fresh start and hopefully a more diverse range of children, where he might meet his tribe? Or let him move to next section and hope there is a new child who gels with him?

Moving from state primary to state secondary can be hugely overwhelming going from between 30 to say 90 kids per year to over 200 per year. I cant imagine what that must feel like going from private primary to state secondary I would imagine most private school kids would feel very overwhelmed suddenly being in the local comp! I would consider he move very carefully, if its just about friends why not look at outside clubs based on his interests.

I don’t think you’ve got anything to lose by trying out the new school.

Thanks for the replies.

He is happyish at current school - has kind children to hang with, but it never leads to a deep friendship. Most other lads either a bit naughty or really mature and DS is immature but not naughty so doesn't fit. He tries too hard and can therefore be irritating.

He wants to go to senior school as lots of clubs as mentioned by previous posters. But equally, he is good at new things and new places and new people (hence the delay in ASD suspicion). Just not good at long term friendships - he has a dmall attention and can't talk in depth. He's said he would be fine with state school too.

How many new kids will the senior section take in comparison to the old ones going up from the prep school? If it's lots then the school might have a very different feel and he may indeed find friends to connect with.

I'd consider each school's attitude and provision for those with an ASD.

Move him: and also try and get him involved in an out of school club if he wants to/that suits

Could this be the other parent posting?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4476296-party-dilemma-help?msgid=114935868

@ScoutFinchMockingbird Your poor son sounds really tough how is he now?
Were him & this lad best friends previously?
Have the parents offered any explanation for the non invite?
I'd be tempted to move him if I were you so he can make new friends.

What’s the other (I presume Indie?) school like at supporting ASD? I wouldn’t necessarily move him to a new school if he’s generally happy with the environment just because he hasn’t formed deep friendships - the maturity levels are soooo all over the place and COVID years haven’t helped.

Does the senior section of his current school take in more children from outside/have different leadership and is it a seamless move up or do they make a big thing of the children “going up” and mix them up a bit?

New school and new people could be great but the first couple of years in a new school are often about settling and finding friends so it might be easier to do the other way round if there are people coming to your prep and he’s already settled/likes the clubs.

The indie school is certainly increasing it's support for ASD, especially in the Senior section, and I am told by parents with older children that is has got a more diverse range of kids - they do take in quite a lot of new kids.

DS certainly plans on joining lots of the clubs - as I say, he is good at new people - it's more forming lasting friendships and that is my worry as I know he is getting discouraged by his inability in this area and has kind of set all his hopes on secondary school (whatever we choose) being the answer to this.

I do wonder if the local state secondary will have more of a mix and DS would know some kids from his Scout group, some of whom are he is friendly with (within the group, it hasn't led to anything else). I also think the state sector has more support for SEN, but that DS (who is able academically) may sort of get overlooked as his problems are mainly social. Not that I'm sure the support at the indie will be better! I think I need to go away and ask some questions.

I was about to paste the thread above but someone else got there first.
Does sound very much like the other parent

I think I would move him too if he is happy for this. A fresh start could help him

What makes you think he will suddenly make lots of friends in the new school, on top of the change in schools, new routines etc?

As a parent to an autistic child of a similar age I would say don't move him.
We would love to be in the position of being able to send him to an independent school, but he it's at a state secondary as we couldn't manage independent financially. The smaller class sizes would be the huge plus for him, plus a calmer environment, children known better to staff etc. The sensory overload of just existing in an average sized state secondary is huge.

As for the party thing - it's one of those things and we brush it off nowadays. My son doesn't appear on the outside to enjoy parties and also he does need some extra social support in groups, so I do get why it might be easier for other parents to think a party might not be something he'd miss. You can't control what other people do, but you can help your son to process things like this and move past them.

That is so horrible that they left him out and heartbreaking. When my son was in primary school I always invited all the boys as hated to leave anybody out and most boys in his class did the same. The parents should not have left him out as not fair at all. I would move him to the new school and make it sound exciting for him so he looks forward to him. Have you had him assessed yet and hopefully get some supports for him in place and for yourself as teenage years are more difficult.

Listen to what he says to you about the schools and some good advise on here from others also. Maybe you can visit the other school or do some research also. There should be a asd support in your area and maybe they have some recommendations or social groups that may help your son as he does sound lovely. You seem like such a caring mum and that goes a long way as he knows you are there for him.

I would send him to the school you feel would best meet his needs. Put this friendship aside, as friendships change over time anyway. Look at class sizes, extra support, talk to both schools. Also find a local Facebook group for parents of children with ASD / additional needs and ask for recommendations. I wouldn't make the decision based on one unreciprocated friendship, hard as it must be.

I wouldn't move him based on potential friendships, it seems quite an extreme thing to do when he may never form the kind of friendship you think of as 'deep' - that's ok though and I think it's more a case of making him aware of the fact it's ok rather than chasing something he might not actually want. He could just be trying to 'fit' - you say it knocks his confidence so how about trying to boost that on an individual level rather then looking for others to do it? Moving to another school as a teen is hard enough without being autistic- it's a huge transition and a lot of stress, and the end result might be the same.

When my son was in primary school I always invited all the boys as hated

Would you be happy if someone you hated was at your birthday?

Op, how much bigger is the indie, can you guarantee he won't be in the birthday boys class?

Is it comfortable for you financially, obviously you don't need to tell me but this is a big question that people don't always consider. Would the money be spent better on tutors or private therapy?

You mix DS and DD in your post, if it's a DS are you expecting him to have friendships like you did (assuming you are mum) boys ime have a more transient less intense friendship especially at 11-12

This move up is so difficult for so many children, old friendships become problematic as they become teens and are desperate to fit in.