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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that really nobody gives a shit

34 replies

Crocmonsieur · 04/03/2022 19:57

… about your wellbeing as an adult?

When you’re young people are interested and feel caring, even protective towards you.

When you hit around 25, and definitely by 30, people just expect you to just get on with life taking the rough with the smooth and keep it to yourself. If you’re having a tough time of it other people are more likely to get tired or irritated than concerned or helpful.

It makes sense I guess- once a fully mature adult, we’re means to be self sufficient.

I understand it but it still makes me a little sad!

OP posts:
Original poster
Crocmonsieur · 04/03/2022 20:22

Bump
I’m not wrong, am I?!Grin

OP posts:
JTK392 · 04/03/2022 20:24

5 votes say you are not wrong.

It is a bit sad but may not be true for society as a whole.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 04/03/2022 20:26

I’m mid 30s and I don’t feel that way, I feel well cared for and I have people concerned for me.

Youre allowed to let go of toxic people in your life, and everyone should also reflect if they are the toxic person in someone else’s life too!

HeddaGarbled · 04/03/2022 20:29

I can’t imagine not giving a shit about my adult children’s happiness, nor my parents, spouse, siblings and particular friends. Less close friends and colleagues, I’ll make the appropriate sympathetic responses but I won’t be taking their worries home with me.

mbosnz · 04/03/2022 20:32

It's hard growing up. It happens to us all.

Original poster
Crocmonsieur · 04/03/2022 20:32

Thanks. I don’t have toxic people in my life, I just realised that even though I have been feeling crap for a while, nobody has actually asked me “how are you” and truly meant it for ever so long.

In the case of some of them I think they know I feel crap and avoid asking because they don’t want to talk about it. I understand, nobody wants to listen to a miseryguts!

I could reach out of course - but when you know people aren’t interested, it’s not encouraging is it? I think it’s better to be asked before you go burdening people with your life’s woes!

OP posts:
Original poster
Crocmonsieur · 04/03/2022 20:33

@mbosnz

It's hard growing up. It happens to us all.
Very true!
OP posts:
CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 04/03/2022 20:41

I don't feel like that, sad that you do feel like there's nobody to lean on. I'm 33 weeks pregnant and had a really rough few weeks with various check ups, hospital appointments, scans and blood tests and the baby having various different diagnosis and family have been absolutely incredible. They've checked in on me constantly to see how I'm doing as its really effecting my mental health, they're doing all they can to help with DD too

Susu49 · 04/03/2022 20:41

I think its more that by the time you leave your 20s, your peers are also experiencing life's big complications - often for the first time - so they have less time and energy.

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 04/03/2022 20:43

I kind of agree with you... however in my case I don't feel like anything has stopped. I don't remember ever having someone care about my wellbeing or wanting to help with anything... In my life there has always been an expectation of just getting on with it and not bothering others with your trivial problems and feelings (even when they aren't trivial at all)

SweetPeaGirl · 04/03/2022 20:43

I'm in my 30s and find people are interested. Not just anyone and everyone, but my close family and friends are, and even more distant friends sometimes ask after me and really care, and have turned up to lend a hand when I've needed it.

This wasn't always the case for me. Partly because when I was younger I didn't have such strong/good relationships, but mostly because when I was younger I projected independence, never hinted at needing anything, and pretty much thought I'd die if I ever asked anyone for help! Once I learned to open up and start asking, I found that people were more than willing to help and would have liked to before - I'd just put them off/they'd felt I wouldn't respond well before.

For me, therapy helped. It's a sad reality that extreme independence is a pretty common result of trauma, especially in childhood. If that's you, I'm sorry and hope you can get some help

Original poster
Crocmonsieur · 04/03/2022 20:51

I’m glad that some of you feel well supported 💛

I’m doing that thing where you wonder how many days of social media silence or days off work it would take for people to realise you’re not around, and would they miss you or just be annoyed you weren’t answering their text/calls/email.
I’m not going to do a disappearing act of course, but thinking it does make me sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crocmonsieur · 04/03/2022 20:54

I should add that my mother is the exception to this- I do know that she cares about me, a lot. So I am not unloved.

Unfortunately she is also a massive worrier so I can’t open up to her or she will be far more upset than I am!!!

OP posts:
ILoveAllRainbowsx · 04/03/2022 21:37

Yes, my elderly next door neighbour kept wanting to talk about her burning feet and it was very wearing.

I didn't mind the first few times, but there was nothing I could do about it so I don't know why she kept mentioning it to me.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/03/2022 21:39

Well my ds is 28. I care very very much about his happiness. If he’s unhappy it makes me unhappy. I’d do anything to help him.

Eucalyptusbee · 04/03/2022 21:40

@Susu49

I think its more that by the time you leave your 20s, your peers are also experiencing life's big complications - often for the first time - so they have less time and energy.
This. I definitely still care but life is so full once you're an adult with kids etc it can be hard to split yourself in lots of different directions.
HeddaGarbled · 04/03/2022 21:48

In the case of some of them I think they know I feel crap and avoid asking because they don’t want to talk about it. I understand, nobody wants to listen to a miseryguts

I think you’re right about that. I think people can only listen to a finite amount of misery before it gets too much for them.

I don’t think that’s quite the same as not giving a shit, though.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 04/03/2022 21:50

YANBU - Most of the adults (and DD) are all keen to tell me where I am going wrong and how my life would be better lived how they suggest.

Veryverysadandold · 04/03/2022 21:51

Agree and also agree counselling really help.

Cosmicbird · 04/03/2022 21:56

I voted yanbu …. My perspective is I feel my personal well being is secondary (to other people) to that of my children, where I’m expected to suck it up when I feel shit as long as the kids are being taken care of, if I can’t take care of them others might step in but that won’t happen if it’s just a case of me not feeling ok, if that makes sense …

Briony123 · 04/03/2022 22:11

If we all constantly worried about each other we'd never get anything done. 25 is about the time to pull up the boot straps. YANBU.

SaggyBlinders · 04/03/2022 22:13

I mean, which people are we talking about?

I don't think people cared more about my wellbeing when I was a child. My parents did, to an extent, but they themselves both grew up in emotionally neglectful and physically abusive circumstances, and it affected their parenting. I'm not blaming them, but they never said that they loved me and they didn't ensure my needs were met. There are things that happened that I now see were technically neglectful, not having breakfast, clean clothes, having my hair washed, going to the dentist etc. I feel guilty saying this, because my mum died when I was 12, but in an awful way I was almost relieved, because she was so cold. My wider family didn't (and still don't) give a shit. Majority of my teachers didn't.

But I'm an adult now, I have a lovely partner who is amazing, and his family care about me and show that they do. I have friends who care, and colleagues who care. They might not ask "how are you?", but I know I could reach out to someone if I was struggling, and have done.

A ramble of a post, but I don't think being a child guarantees people will care about you.

SaggyBlinders · 04/03/2022 22:28

I would also say that when you're an adult you sort of have to parent yourself, make yourself do things that are good for your wellbeing, like drinking water, eating well, going for a walk, go to bed before 2am, and reach out to people when you are struggling. I know it's easier said than done though.

It is so important to invest in your friendships at the ages of 25 - 30, it's easy for people to drift apart then, and natural in some cases. Hard if you are at difficult "life stages" as well.

Hope you are okay OP.

Summerfun54321 · 04/03/2022 22:37

Only you are responsible for your own happiness OP. If you’re feeling miserable, other people asking how you are isn’t magically going to fix.

Longingforatikihut · 04/03/2022 22:37

I feel like people stopped caring looooong before 25. And now I think I could be dead for days and no-one would notice. It's my birthday this weekend and I doubt I'll get a single acknowledgement of it. People have there own stuff going on. Caring takes time they don't have.