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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty I really shouted at DD this morning.

41 replies

Fluffypinkt · 04/03/2022 08:59

Just for context. I very rarely have to shout or punish DD. She is very well mannered and timid (normally)
However this morning she had a full mental breakdown regarding world book day outfit not going right. I was trying to work and help her at the same time and we were going to be late for school and she was just giving me a attitude. “Get my bag” “ yes i ammmm putting my coat on MUM” again as I say this is extremely rare. And I just shouted at her so loud and said “ who the hell do you think you are talking too” “ never speak to me like that again I don’t know who you think you are!” And she started uncontrollably crying. Possibly due to the fact again she rarely gets told off.
She was so looking forward to today and due to the lateness she went into school crying and I just feel so guilty like I’ve ruined her whole day. Will she be sat at school stewing on it all day? Or am I bit of a soft touch?
DD is 10 and I am aware that she may be going through puberty early and things like this are going to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fluffypinkt · 04/03/2022 09:02

Didn’t mean to enable voting and don’t know how to switch it off-sorry

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/03/2022 09:06

I think you overreacted to a bit of sass (surely this is not the first time at 10 years old that you’ve had backchat over getting shoes on?) but so did she if she was “having a full mental breakdown” (what does this mean in real terms?) over a outfit. Why were you working at crunch time in the morning routine?

You both sound stressed but it’s Friday and easily fixed later. Fwiw I was grumpy with my 11 year old yesterday morning and felt bad - apologised after school/work, DC appreciated but did not need the apology as had forgotten about it, everyone happy again.

Chin up, OP. Flowers And mentally prepare yourself for puberty changing your previously compliant child… Grin

Duracellbunnywannabe · 04/03/2022 09:07

She was already upset and you over reacted because you were stressed due to the high emotion of the morning and running late. Sounds like a difficult morning for everyone. Apologise, move forward and think about how you will deal with such behaviour in future.

Mrsjayy · 04/03/2022 09:08

It sounds very stressful and she probably was worked up about her outfit which might seem a bit "silly " but it's pressure for them, at that age, we all get angry from time to time do t feel to guilty, at hometimes apologies say we were stressed and it got out of hand, she will have forgotten about it by now it was one telling off.

thunderandsunshine01 · 04/03/2022 09:11

Don’t feel guilt, my DD9is a bit like this in the mornings sometimes or if things aren’t going right (this morning was her hair) sometimes you do just need to raise your voice above them with a “pack it in now” or “who do you think you are talking to?” To sort of shock them out of their sulk/attitude. After she normally skulks off with a couple of tears because she’s been told off, I call her back down after 5 mins of calm down, and then explain that the attitude is not ok towards me and I normally get a big cuddle and an apology off her own back, and sometimes a reason for her bad attitude (“sorry mum I’m just tired and my hair would brush through”

Your DD might be a bit upset for the morning but as the day goes on she’ll forget about it and no permanent damage done

Onlywomengivebirth · 04/03/2022 09:12

She’ll be fine, you’ll be fine. Buy her a little treat for when she gets home, say sorry, move on. She’ll probably forgotten by then anyway.

Getoffmyshoes · 04/03/2022 09:12

I don’t think you were necessarily wrong to shout and her and tell you not to speak to you like that, but I think the “who do you think you are” phrasing is very belittling and unnecessary.

Original poster
Fluffypinkt · 04/03/2022 09:12

Yes she was already upset. Due to loosing her eyeliner she had bought especially for today and she turned her whole room upside down looking for it. Honestly it looks like a bombs gone off. Honestly there’s rarely a crossed word between us. I just saw her just change from my normal 10 year old DD into a teenager in a split moment and I think it shocked us both.
I should really apologise later and talk to her about it ☹️. I start work at 7:30am as that’s when I’m required to start work I can’t start any later.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 04/03/2022 09:14

Did you ruin her day or did she?
She does need to know not to talk to you like that.
But I get you, I’ma soft touch too. My go to phrase - when I m not reacting- is “ What do you need” it’s really neutral and diffusing, and can get underneath the situation.

But sometimes it’s hard not to have a tantrum when they are, that’s life. Sit down with a cup of tea later and talk it through. It takes more than one misjudged incident to spill a relationship, and she does need to know you are human.

Mrsjayy · 04/03/2022 09:14

So much going on so early in the morning hopefully it has blown over by this afternoon.

Outhouse71421 · 04/03/2022 09:15

I heard two other parents talking about works book day causing issues at home. There must be some sort of competitiveness going on in the playground/classroom, and some children not coping with it.

flapjackfairy · 04/03/2022 09:18

we have all done this op. really!
and yes afterwards you feel like the worlds worst parent but it will be fine. Apologise and say you went a bit ott but didnt appreciate being spoken to like that etc.
Then move on. . Much more of this to come in teen yrs in my experience.

NoSquirrels · 04/03/2022 09:20

In this scenario I say something like

“I’m really sorry I lost my temper with you this morning, DD. You know I can’t help much in the mornings because of work, and I was upset with the way you spoke to me as I was just trying to make sure you weren’t late for school. But I shouldn’t have shouted because it didn’t help either of us and we both felt bad afterwards.”

That usually elicits an apology along the same lines from them - I’m sorry I wasn’t very nice this morning Mum but I was so upset about my eyeliner etc.

Then you both agree to get things more sorted the night before, or agree she can ask to borrow your eyeliner (active problem-solving) or whatever and you move on.

Babdoc · 04/03/2022 09:22

I think it’s important that you apologise for shouting, OP. It models civilised behaviour to your child, and shows her that even adults must apologise and show respect for others.
But you must also point out that her own behaviour was unacceptable and disrespectful of you.
Your relationship with her is going to change dramatically over the next few years, from adult/child to adult/young adult, and there will be hormonal tantrums and power battles along the way. It’s vital to keep a sense of humour and an appreciation of each other’s boundaries and dignity.
Gradually allow her more independence and more input into decisions, and show her that respect goes both ways, and you should survive her adolescence unscathed! Good luck.

LowlandLucky · 04/03/2022 09:28

Part of life. Of course all the perfect parents with perfect children will tell you that you are an awful Mother but you are not. There will be 1 parent in every 10 million that will get there chid to the age of 18 without shouting at them and even then i would think they were a liar.

Hidingin · 04/03/2022 09:36

Tiny bit of sass that never normally happens, (and it was when she was stressed and panicked) and you went straight to shouting
Yeah I do think you overreacted

But it’s done now, you need to speak to her calmly about that
and the crying uncontrollably seems a bit of an over reaction too
There’s clearly an issue or a lot of hormones suddenly at play
If she’s feeling that much it’s going to be a long few years/months if you both don’t learn to communicate better

It does feel like you’re not thinking of this from her perspective, you’re talking about her room being a mess because she was looking for something but not thinking about why today was so important for her that it had clearly been built up in her head, or why the eyeliner/makeup was so important to her, and why she was so stressed
That doesn’t justify attitude but you had plenty back with her and you aren’t facing teenage hormones so I’m sure you can sympathise

Lalliella · 04/03/2022 09:49

You lost any moral high ground by saying “who the hell” to be honest. You sunk yourself below her level with that. Also you might like to rethink how you use the word “mental”. You over-reacted. Why didn’t you just help her?

Original poster
Fluffypinkt · 04/03/2022 09:52

@Lalliella I did help her. I tried to help her look for her eyeliner. I also went into my room to see if I had one. I also helped her put her wig on and style it. What more could I have done in terms of helping her?

@Hidingin I do realise how important today was to her which is why I am feeling guilty she was really looking forward to today. Feel aweful about it.

OP posts:
lostinabook · 04/03/2022 09:55

Agree with No Squirrels. I speak as a former shouty Mum who fell into the habit of it in the mornings because of my daughter's sass and delaying tactics. It feels horrible for you I know!

End of the week, clear the air after school but with the caveat of "If I ask you to do something in the morning you do it otherwise there will be a consequence" and for your figure out a consequence in reserve I e. No telly for a day, pocket fine fine, extra chore, as it gives you somewhere to go rather than shouting

notanothertakeaway · 04/03/2022 09:56

@thunderandsunshine01

Don’t feel guilt, my DD9is a bit like this in the mornings sometimes or if things aren’t going right (this morning was her hair) sometimes you do just need to raise your voice above them with a “pack it in now” or “who do you think you are talking to?” To sort of shock them out of their sulk/attitude. After she normally skulks off with a couple of tears because she’s been told off, I call her back down after 5 mins of calm down, and then explain that the attitude is not ok towards me and I normally get a big cuddle and an apology off her own back, and sometimes a reason for her bad attitude (“sorry mum I’m just tired and my hair would brush through”

Your DD might be a bit upset for the morning but as the day goes on she’ll forget about it and no permanent damage done

Imagine if a man said this, describing his relationship with his wife

Don’t feel guilt...............sometimes you do just need to raise your voice above them with a “pack it in now” or “who do you think you are talking to?” To sort of shock them out of their sulk/attitude. After she normally skulks off with a couple of tears because she’s been told off, I call her back down after 5 mins of calm down, and then explain that the attitude is not ok towards me and I normally get a big cuddle and an apology off her own back, and sometimes a reason for her bad attitude...........”

Shouting is never OK (IMHO)

user1493494961 · 04/03/2022 09:57

I think you know you over-reacted, hence the post, but I'm sure all will be fine later.

Laserbird16 · 04/03/2022 09:58

It's not the rupture that matters, it's the repair. In an ideal world it would be great if you'd kept your cool but it didn't happen and it sounded like you had a stressful morning. It would also be good that your daughter also didn't take her emotions out on you but she did.

When you pick up have a chat, maybe tidy her room together and move in. It's ok.

Suzi888 · 04/03/2022 10:02

Oh bless her. It happens, try not to dwell.
She need to keep her eye liner in a specific place, get a spare for her. Is she not well OP?

Just apologise when she get in for losing your rag- but also she needs to take a little responsibility too for keeping things tidy so she can find them.

Original poster
Fluffypinkt · 04/03/2022 10:14

Normally DH picks her up from school on a Friday as I finish bang on her school ending time. I may request to log out 10 mins early so I can collect her and we can have a nice walk home and chat about it.

We are so so close and I really don’t want to ruin that going into her teenage years.

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 04/03/2022 10:18

@Laserbird16

It's not the rupture that matters, it's the repair. In an ideal world it would be great if you'd kept your cool but it didn't happen and it sounded like you had a stressful morning. It would also be good that your daughter also didn't take her emotions out on you but she did.

When you pick up have a chat, maybe tidy her room together and move in. It's ok.

Great advice from @Laserbird16

I think you were out of order shouting at her, it gave both of you a shock. Take responsibility, apologise and move on

eg "I'm sorry I shouted, I shouldn't have done that" is a proper apology

"I'm sorry I shouted but I was angry because you did X" is an explanation, not an apology