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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty I really shouted at DD this morning.

41 replies

Fluffypinkt · 04/03/2022 08:59

Just for context. I very rarely have to shout or punish DD. She is very well mannered and timid (normally)
However this morning she had a full mental breakdown regarding world book day outfit not going right. I was trying to work and help her at the same time and we were going to be late for school and she was just giving me a attitude. “Get my bag” “ yes i ammmm putting my coat on MUM” again as I say this is extremely rare. And I just shouted at her so loud and said “ who the hell do you think you are talking too” “ never speak to me like that again I don’t know who you think you are!” And she started uncontrollably crying. Possibly due to the fact again she rarely gets told off.
She was so looking forward to today and due to the lateness she went into school crying and I just feel so guilty like I’ve ruined her whole day. Will she be sat at school stewing on it all day? Or am I bit of a soft touch?
DD is 10 and I am aware that she may be going through puberty early and things like this are going to happen.

OP posts:

Tiredmum100 · 04/03/2022 10:18

Don't worry about it op. She's probably enjoying herself in school. Just apologise later. Most of us now perfect parents have been there. I remember once shouting at my son before scho, he pulled down a glass shelf and smashed all my ornaments. One was my grandads who had died I was so upset. He went in to school, they had to stick their name on a board of how they were feeling. He put happy! He didn't care once he got to school!

cantbecoping · 04/03/2022 10:29

We all have these mornings. They happen, the rushing for school adds to the pressure of getting out on time and tensions rise. She probably will be a bit upset if this is not a regular occurrence but she will be grand. This will only be the start of the sass and backchat OP, brace yourself for the teenage years :)
Do something nice together today and all will be right as rain.

NoSquirrels · 04/03/2022 10:31

eg "I'm sorry I shouted, I shouldn't have done that" is a proper apology

"I'm sorry I shouted but I was angry because you did X" is an explanation, not an apology

The latter is an apology that includes an explanation for why someone lost their temper in the first place. You can still include this and take responsibility by following up with - “but I still shouldn’t have shouted so I’m really sorry.”

What’s not OK is “I'm sorry I shouted but I was angry because you did X” and not qualifying it because it implies that it was really all the other person’s fault, which is a non-apology.

BrutusMcDogface · 04/03/2022 10:36

I will always explain why I lost my temper, but also explain that it’s not really ok and that I shouldn’t have. That said, we are all human and I think that’s the behaviour we need to model. Lose temper, apologise, discuss strategies for being able to keep a level head in the future, move on. I don’t think one (or more!) incidents like this will ruin your relationship.

FooFighter99 · 04/03/2022 10:41

Oh @Fluffypinkt, don't be too hard on yourself, we've all been there (and anyone who says they haven't is lying!)

My DD is also 10, and they're at the age now where their hormones are staring to kick in and their sass levels are reaching an all time high!

I have had many a shouty morning which has resulted in DD going in to school in a crap mood and me crying in the car on the way to work - it's shit, but it happens. As long as you BOTH apologise to each other, then there's really no harm done.

We all have bad days, we're only human

peachy3 · 04/03/2022 10:42

She honestly probably forgot about it after 10 minutes of being in school. While it may have been an over reaction, it’s not an unreasonable one and I don’t think you should feel as guilty as you do. I can’t tell you the amount of times my mum would scream something similar to me whilst I would give her lip as a kid, kids can really push your buttons and usually at the most stressful point of the day. Love the idea of you picking her up to talk to her, I would apologise but also make it a lesson to her that she needs to cooperate with you in the mornings.

Gowithme · 04/03/2022 10:47

I think logging off early and picking her up to talk it through would be really nice. I would say 'things were really stressful for both of us this morning so I stopped work early so I could pick you up and apologise, I'm really sorry I shouted at you, I hope you were able to have a good book day in the end. What could we do to make it less stressful next time do you think?'

Bootothegoose · 04/03/2022 12:57

It happens to all of us, don’t beat yourself up.

If you can collect her great, if not just a nice chat when you get home. ‘Shall we talk about this morning? I’m sorry I shouted at you, I was frustrated with the way you spoke to me and I was frustrated we were running late and I snapped and shouted at you. I shouldn’t have done that. Next time we have XYZ event we’ll make sure we’re organised the night before. How did you feel about this morning? —- I understand how frustrated you must have felt, especially losing the eyeliner. Next time let’s both try to be a team rather than turning on each other. Shouting just made us both more upset so how about we have a cuddle, a fresh start and we’ll tidy your bedroom together and watch a film.’

HerculesMulligan · 04/03/2022 13:07

My child's autistic, and it's taught me so much about moderating myself- if he's in a tizz then I have to swing in the opposite direction and be even calmer than usual, or else it spirals into a meltdown which is hideous for everyone.

He's got beautiful manners and a very sweet nature so like your DD he's rarely in trouble, but on the occasions he gets a bit stroppy, I find it works best if I acknowledge the root cause. "I don't like the way you're speaking to me, but I know you're stressed because your book's missing. Let me help you find your book and then you won't be stressed." It makes the point about his tone or choice of words, without it becoming a tit-for-tat escalation, and we can generally stay on track.

I think "Who the hell do you think you are?" is pretty aggressive in the context you used it. Taken literally (as my child would): she's someone you adore and want to help with her problems, isn't she? Not someone you want to belittle into obedience.

Gizacluethen · 04/03/2022 13:12

Yeah YABU but I think you know that. It was a stressful morning, she was struggling to manage her emotions. Instead of leading by example and staying calm you lost control of yours and shouted at her.

How can adults expect kids to have better control of their emotions than them?

Gizacluethen · 04/03/2022 13:16

@HerculesMulligan
From an autistic person what you're doing is absolute perfection. I have to do the same for myself, stop, take a breath, calm down. Your brain can't work when you're stressed.

SmellyOldOwls · 04/03/2022 13:17

I remember my mum being particularly cross with me one morning and being upset about it all day at school. She apologised as soon as I got into the car and said she'd felt bad all day. That made me feel a lot better.

We all shout sometimes but you were pretty full on OP, keep a check on that because the teen years are coming and you don't want to push her away with your attitude. She doesn't have to be perfect always, she's just a child.

SlashBeef · 04/03/2022 14:12

Meh, I don't think you're unreasonable. I'll remind my kids who they're talking to when they sass me. They always pull themselves up and pack it in. I don't shout though. Low calm voice more effective I find.

Original poster

Fluffypinkt · 04/03/2022 15:55

Update:
I picked her up from school, she was so excited to see me which both made me feel happy but also really bloomin guilty (again)
She told me all about the fun she had today and we took a walk In the park where I said I was really sorry and I should have never have shouted at her or spoken to her that way. It was wrong of me and that’s not how people should handle stressful situations. She said “ it’s ok mum. You were trying to work and help me and I was getting stressed too and I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that either”
So we’ve had a cuddle. We’ve planned to sort these things the night before and all is well again!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 04/03/2022 16:05

Well done, Fluffy. Perfect resolution. Have a happy weekend!

thunderandsunshine01 · 04/03/2022 21:15

@notanothertakeaway it’s not a man shouting at his wife though is it? It’s a 10 year old sulking pre teen gobbing off to her mother, who is already trying to help her. The two aren’t really comparable IMHO. At this age she should be able to understand that grown ups are also only human, and that there is only so much you can push boundaries before they are broken and a level of retaliation will happen (not on about hitting or anything btw, but a stern raised voice is appropriate sometimes)… FWIW me and my DD are very close so it hasn’t impacted our relationship negatively at all

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