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Original poster

Mils 70th

36 replies

Ellaraine · 04/03/2022 07:04

Will try and keep this short. It's mils 70th in a couple of weeks. Fil has arranged a surprise meal for her. My DH siblings and their families are going. No extended family.

The thing is I don't like my mil or DH family. I had an OK relationship with them years ago but over the years our relationships have deteriorated.

I really don't enjoy their company. They have been quite nasty to me in the past. I always feel like I'm being watched, anything I say is pounced on and turned into something it's not. On the other hand if I say anything about comments they make I'm told I'm over reacting and it wasn't meant that way.

It was my 40th last year and not one text of any if them which I wasn't surprised at.

So how do I get out of the meal. DH is a people pleaser and he would like me to go. I just couldn't be arsed though.. Should my DH be honest with his mother and father or just come up with an excuse because either way I'm the bad guy.

I haven't attended the last couple of family gatherings including Christmas.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 04/03/2022 07:18

He can go, you just stay at home, simple.

Billandben444 · 04/03/2022 07:18

Hmmm. Personally I would go to please my husband and present a united front. It sounds as though they are a shitty bunch but could you put up with it for just a few hours? In a public place it should be noisy? You wouldn't be showing your approval of them but being the bigger person for him.

Rocktheboat56 · 04/03/2022 07:21

Sometimes we are unfairly judged and first impressions are key. However I can see how petty some people can be and judge or assume based on little to knowing. I'd probably still go but make my DH aware. Or make a reason to leave say 1hr or 2hrs after arriving if you feel uncomfortable.

If you don't go they'll obviously ask where you are and if it's not a good reason it could make their opinions worse. However it will also avoid an uncomfortable situation. You probably only see them a couple of times a year anyway.

TopTabby · 04/03/2022 07:22

If you've got to the stage where your own special birthdays are being ignored then there's absolutely no reason to turn up.
It does sound like drama if you go & drama if you don't so I definitely wouldn't bother going.
He can go on his own, just say you're busy, even if you aren't!

underneaththeash · 04/03/2022 07:23

I'd just give it a go, you might enjoy it. They'll be plenty of other people there to talk to.

It may be that you are overreacting to some of the comments, it may be that they need to be a bit more sensitive. Things are rarely one sided.

They're your husbands family and you should make an effort.

Bajezzeuz · 04/03/2022 07:25

God no, I wouldn't go. What's the point if your not going to enjoy yourself? Let DP go, he can say your ill

No need for people pleasing,

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 07:27

It does all sound a bit petty OP. It's a meal - a couple of hours max. Just go, have some nice food, and don't bother getting upset by what they say because it's probably not intended to offend you.

frazzledasarock · 04/03/2022 07:32

Nope I wouldn’t go. I’d tell DH I wasn’t going and wave him off.

And I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

I don’t get this oh it’s only one meal etc where it sounds like you’ll be constantly pulled up and sniped at by your IL’s. Why put yourself in that position even for ‘one meal’?

Don’t go and don’t give it a second thought.

BeaLola · 04/03/2022 07:34

I would go - it's a few hours - hopefully in a nice noisy but good food restaurant and I would go simply because your DH would like you to - go and be there all shiny and happy with your DH. Then when you get back think her next big birthday isn't for 10 years.

Original poster
Ellaraine · 04/03/2022 07:36

The only people going are siblings and their wives. Nobody else to talk to unfortunately. The last time I attended a family gathering it wasn't nice. Mil made a comment that "yes,she's lost weight but she's not that great". She didn't know I heard,I was sober ,she wasn't. My DH confronted her about it and she involved her other son and wife and said she was talking about somebody else,she wasn't. DH sent mil a picture of me him and the kids for my 40th and she blocked us on whats app. She thought we had a party,we didn't. It was the middle of lockdown and DH has got balloons and cake ,it was more for the kids to celebrate something and to send her a picture of the kids as she hadn't seen them for months. She still has me blocked.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 04/03/2022 07:38

It sounds like there’s no love lost, so decline and don’t give a reason. It will be obvious you dislike each other.

But don’t make it difficult for your husband, it will be a really tough situation for him to be in so careful you’re not putting him in the middle of anything

RandomMess · 04/03/2022 07:39

I would literally book an appointment to get your nails done or cinema trio with friends tbh

averythinline · 04/03/2022 07:40

Absolutely don't go..if your dh wants to make an excuse, that's up to him.

Its probably not the event to make a stand so he can just say you/one the kids not feeling well

Jumpingintomenopause · 04/03/2022 07:41

Honestly with DH goes alone or he doesn’t. These people don’t like you, it will be miserable.

Sonofabiscuit · 04/03/2022 07:49

Don't go .
I've a simular event soon and refusing togo .Especially after being told by mil that I'm not family and never will be and at her party I would blend into the back ground ,so no-one would notice if there.

DaisyDuck999 · 04/03/2022 08:23

If you haven't attended the last lot of family gatherings they probably wouldn't be surprised if you didn't go to this one. Don't bother making an excuse, just do something nice for yourself that day,let your husband go alone and if they ask where you are he can just tell them the truth, she's not coming as you don't want her here. Their problem not yours, don't bother with them at all. X

cdba88 · 04/03/2022 08:29

I'm very surprised people are saying 'just go!' 'Just put up with it' bla bla.

I wouldn't be bloody going! They completely ignored your 40th, not even a text! And you also don't like them and they've been mean in the past.

You don't need a big excuse or a lie. You just aren't going. Make other plans, or don't. Don't waste your life forcing yourself to go to things you don't want to be at.

I'm surprised you think they want you there? Their past behaviour indicates they don't like you very much.

KindlyKanga · 04/03/2022 08:42

No I wouldn't go

phoenixrosehere · 04/03/2022 08:52

Don’t go enjoy the day in your own way, and send a gift with your DH in your absence for MIL.

billy1966 · 04/03/2022 08:53

Absolutely not.

No discussion at all.

Simply not happening.

I would be seriously unimpressed with a husband who allows his parents treat you so badly and remains in contact.

billy1966 · 04/03/2022 08:53

No gift either.

Babdoc · 04/03/2022 08:59

Message to your MIL: “I really enjoyed what you did for my 40th, so I will be doing the same for your 70th”.

ImAvingOops · 04/03/2022 08:59

She treats you like shit. I wouldn't even think about going. I'm surprised your husband still is tbh - he needs to start showing you some loyalty and support. If my parents blocked my husband or made nasty comments about him, there's no way I'd be acting as if everything is okay and going to dinner with them!

Original poster
Ellaraine · 04/03/2022 09:00

Thanks for the replies so far. @cdba88, your last sentence really hit home. Yes I know they don't like me but I needed to hear it very bluntly and your right.

My DH has minimal contact with his family. We don't visit them or do things together. He has continually confronted them over their treatment towards me and he has gone for long periods of time without talking to them
Dh feels guilty that his mother is not in great health and doesn't want anything to happen to her and not be at least in contact with her on a minimal level.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 04/03/2022 09:09

I was going to say just go but after reading your update I wouldn't bother. She sounds horrible.