personal hygiene in a marriage

[thatsithen]

Does anyone else struggle with a spouse who thinks it's fair not to wash or to put clean clothes on every day?

I get in trouble for moaning and being negative if i dare mention that clothes stink having been worn for a couple of days and slept in or if I can smell two or three day old soiled underwear from several paces. Apparently I'm prissy and uptight for finding human smells unpleasant.

nb. spouse plentiful supply of clothes, soap, hot water and loads of time

AIBU for being grossed out and a bit angry?

I’m sorry - this person has actual shit in their underwear on a regular basis? Why? And then they wear the underwear again? That is absolutely repugnant.

What are we talking about here?

Having a shower every other day is ok. Plenty of threads on MN around that idea.
Wearing clothes two days in a row is ok. Many people will wear their jeans much more than that before putting them in the wash.

But if you are talking about having a shower once a week or less. Wearing clothes so often that they end up sticking, THEN there is an issue.

So what it is that you are talking about?

Skid marks… are you saying they are wearing again underwear with skid marks? 🤮🤮

Or that skid marks are a regular occurrence? (I’d wonder if they have bowel issues. If not…. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️)

I mean, both DH and I have smelly days. If we've been away somewhere and forgotten a fresh pair of underwear then we'll reuse what we have. Some Sunday's we like to get up and slob around in PJS. DH has also been known to wear a slightly smelly jumper instead of just being cold if his other ones are in the wash.

But generally we are both pretty hygienic. Always shower if we're leaving the house or meeting people, fresh undies every day (other than the above examples), fresh socks etc.

If it was a regular occurrence like you describe in your OP then I'd be furious.

Jim Royle springs to mind

Your poor child. Do you really think they don't see and understand what's going on around them? Their mother is repulsed by their father, and their father is a filthy minger who has zero respect for their mother. What a dysfunctional nightmare to grow up in. Don't allow your child to be raised in this environment.

Nope, I couldn't live with this. Don't force your kids to either! If you can smell it, so can they. Rank.

No, I wouldn’t live with that.

It's interesting that you seem to be going out of your way to not mention the sex of your spouse.

I hope this is not going to be one of those gotcha threads where the person gathers up all the mentions of it being a husband then announces "Actually women can be mingers too!" Because I'd imagine most of us are aware of this. Just fyi.

How old are your DC? I'd be looking at separating tbh. Unless he can commit to changing.

It's abusive. It distresses, embarrasses and puts others at risk of infection whilst also isolating them - because who is going to have visitors over when there's somebody stinking of shit stomping round? Or publicly admit that their spouse spends days with old shit in their clothes?

I grew up in a filthy house. It was utterly abusive (as was she). Dirty clothes, forbidden to wash - naturally, I was bullied for it. And constantly ill or injured by filthy hoarded shite. Better than an older sibling, who was nearly killed by the dirt multiple times as they had severe asthma/dust/animal/mould allergies.

I do have a theory that adults who aggressively defend their right to stink of shit or have disgusting homes are the ones who go on to have their homes decontaminated by the council once they are admitted to a care home for self neglect/cognitive deterioration/risk to themselves in old age.

Either way, male or female, I'd say get out, take the DC with you and avoid this becoming a memory that the DC carry with them for the rest of their lives.

My ex was like this. He was clean and smelt pleasant when we first met as teenagers. I guess because he lived with his mum. Things got worse and worse. Even his own family think he smells awful. Just glad that I don't have to deal with it any more.

Nowhere does it say this is a man

Soiled underwear? As in actually shitty? An adult who can't wipe their own arse is concerning.

Wearing clothes more than once isnt in itself an issue, some problem don't smell but if your spouse does smell then it's not ok and they need to take responsibility or risk loosing their family.

It's unpleasant and embarrassing, for you and them.

@Keladrythesaviour

You really shouldn't be washing clothes after one wear - it's terrible for the clothing and the environment. If someone is showering regularly and not doing physical exercise a pair of toruser for example can happily be worn more than once, even a t-shirt can be.

Massive difference between a pair of trousers or a jumper and underwear or a t shirt. If clothes stink there's clearly a problem. Clothes which can't survive a few washes aren't worth the money and someone washing their pants more often isn't going to tip the climate change balance.

Tbh it’s even worse if it’s a woman. Poop on your underwear will lead to constant UTIs surely?!

Years ago I was friends with a woman who was a court clerk.

She said there was a case where the wife was divorcing her husband due to poor hygiene. The clerks were amused by it.

She said after the hearing when they went into the court room it stank although the person had left ages ago. Apparently it took a great deal of airing and air freshener to make it tolerable for use.

Just reminded me of that friend.

Clothes that are being worn to relax in check house are fine if there's no smell.

Any sweat/BO smell is not ok. Underwear for multiple days is grim. Soiled underwear is vile.

My husband is in his 60s and disabled and I have to beg him not to have a shower when he is ill. Otherwise he has one every morning without fail.

Your husband has no excuse.

He needs to shape up, op. I would not like poor hygiene standards, there is no excuse nowadays.

YANBU I really do feel for you and your situation,
Unfortunately I know of other similar cases,
Most suffered with depression.
They 'showered' every day,
But there was no actual washing involved,
Just standing under the water for a few minutes,
Then drying off and getting dressed,
They had poor wiping techniques, after going to the toilet,
Sometimes little pieces of used toilet paper would drop from beneath their trousers as they walked along,
I don't think their hand washing was anything to write home about either,
It's not only about feeling grossed out and angry, you are putting yourself at risk from illness because of this behaviour,
Like you, it would be turned around on me, should I mention anything negative regarding smells, stains, hygiene etc.
Then having to contend with the sulky, 'it doesn't make me a bad person' type of response, guilt tripping, needing to be consoled,
Depression can get you like this, but whatever the cause, you're best of living away from anyone who has this problem, for your own sanity and wellbeing.

At first I was like “YABU I wear my clothes for two days at a time but I’m not a super sweaty person anyway”

Then I read.. soiled underwear.. so they don’t change their underwear everyday?! YANBU. Yuk!

There are bigger problems in the world but have you tried talking about this with your spouse? Maybe a change of deodorant could fix the problem?

He's a dirty git. Of course hygiene is important. My husband has a bath or shower every evening (I like to shower in the morning and I have a wash at night) and washes his hair. He wears clean clothes every day, as do I. Have you thought about telling him you'll fancy him and fancy sleeping with him if he keeps himself clean all the time? Assuming that's what you'd like, of course...

@EyesAsGreenAsAFreshPickledToad

Another thread about dirty undergarments 🤔

Indeed. A bit of a theme today.