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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

personal hygiene in a marriage

82 replies

thatsithen · 03/03/2022 23:19

Does anyone else struggle with a spouse who thinks it's fair not to wash or to put clean clothes on every day?

I get in trouble for moaning and being negative if i dare mention that clothes stink having been worn for a couple of days and slept in or if I can smell two or three day old soiled underwear from several paces. Apparently I'm prissy and uptight for finding human smells unpleasant.

nb. spouse plentiful supply of clothes, soap, hot water and loads of time

AIBU for being grossed out and a bit angry?

OP posts:
Walkingalot · 04/03/2022 00:20

If you can notice it, so can others - work colleages, friends, family. Surely that would/should be enough to up his game - if he can't do it for you?

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 04/03/2022 00:25

Clean pants/knickers every day is a pretty basic line you don't cross.

Im2022 · 04/03/2022 00:26

Soiled underwear? WTAF. Deal breaker. Wouldn’t put up with that. How can someone walk in their own shit for days on end? 🤮

BlueSummerBaby · 04/03/2022 00:29

What a minger he is. Your house must reek. Unwashed people smells the place out. How do you tolerate him? More to the point, why?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/03/2022 00:31

Your poor kid living in this situation. It's so unfair on them even if it's under a 'nice roof'. They must be too embarrassed to have friends over if their dad is present. Awful.

BlueSummerBaby · 04/03/2022 00:35

@Keladrythesaviour

You really shouldn't be washing clothes after one wear - it's terrible for the clothing and the environment. If someone is showering regularly and not doing physical exercise a pair of toruser for example can happily be worn more than once, even a t-shirt can be.
Not necessarily. Depends on the person. I do zero exercise. My clothes are still washed daily, the whole lot. It's necessary for me and will be for many others. If they want to be hygenic and not stink.
Traumdeuter · 04/03/2022 00:38

Yeah, my ex gradually stopped showering every day after a while. By the time we divorced it was once a week, and his stinking clothes were kept in a screwed-up pile on the floor. As a PP said it’s disrespectful. He complained that we never hugged or kissed - I couldn’t stand being at eye/nose level with his pungent armpits. Repulsive man.

LadyLothbrook · 04/03/2022 00:53

Has OP suggested that their spouse is a man? Seems like they're avoiding stating genders in this situation.

XenoBitch · 04/03/2022 00:54

My dad is the same. Never leaves the houses or sees anyone other than my mum.. so feels it is fine to fester in the same clothing for days at a time. No depression.. just a lazy bastard.

Geppili · 04/03/2022 01:10

Have they always been like this?

DoorWasAJar · 04/03/2022 01:37

Autism spectrum? Sensory Processing Disorder? Depression? These can all cause poor self care for some.

Febrier · 04/03/2022 07:21

Another thread about dirty undergarments 🤔

That was my thought too. Funny coincidence.

FlipFlops4Me · 04/03/2022 07:33

Does your spouse understand that the marriage is under threat because of their filthy ways? Have you said it in absolute, plain words so that they cannot possibly misunderstand you?

If so, and there has been no change - it's time to teach your dc that there are some things which are dealbreakers in relationships. Choosing to have a filthy bottom is one of them!

wingscrow · 04/03/2022 07:41

That's absolutely disgusting. I could not share my life with someone like this. I would leave immediately...

D0lphine · 04/03/2022 12:40

How about this, what do we all think?

I think sit him down and tell him that he smells and his personal hygiene is below par. Explain that it's completely unacceptable behaviour. The situation cannot continue as is and these are his options

  1. He moves out and you see lawyers about a divorce or
  2. He cleans up his act- a shower every day, deodorant, teeth brushed and clean clothes every day as a bare minimum. And he goes to the GP to talk about meds and / or talking therapies.
Brefugee · 04/03/2022 12:42

Personally? would not put up with that. So one of us would have to leave.

It is one of the signs of depression, i think, though

floofycroissant · 04/03/2022 12:47

When did this start? Was there a trigger or has he always been this way? I think everyone has days when they cba, but he sounds absolutely vile and for him to know that he's physically unpleasant to be around and still continue is really selfish.

Does he not have to work or socialise? Surely you're not the only person who's noticed.

stripeyflowers · 04/03/2022 12:53

@Keladrythesaviour

You really shouldn't be washing clothes after one wear - it's terrible for the clothing and the environment. If someone is showering regularly and not doing physical exercise a pair of toruser for example can happily be worn more than once, even a t-shirt can be.
Puleease!
incognitoforthisone · 04/03/2022 12:55

Is his hygiene the only reason you're sleeping in separate rooms, or are there other issues in your marriage? And is the lack of washing and refusal to change his underwear a recent development, or has he always been like that?

If it's a recent development, he's not depressed, and he is fully aware that he smells and this is off-putting to you, I think I might be wondering if he was, subconsciously, actively trying to make himself less attractive to you. Is there a chance he wants the marriage to end but wants you to be the one to end it?

Chasingaftermidnight · 04/03/2022 12:57

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Soiled underwear is absolutely unacceptable.

incognitoforthisone · 04/03/2022 13:06

@Keladrythesaviour

You really shouldn't be washing clothes after one wear - it's terrible for the clothing and the environment. If someone is showering regularly and not doing physical exercise a pair of toruser for example can happily be worn more than once, even a t-shirt can be.
@keladrythesaviour I agree that plenty of clothes don't need to be washed after a single wear if the wearer is showering regularly and not doing anything dirty/sweaty. But that's not really relevant to the discussion here, because the OP makes it clear that her husband a) doesn't wash his body either, b) not only wears clothes for days but also sleeps in them, c) wears his underwear for three days even when it's got skidmarks in it and d) actually does stink. So there's clearly a lot more going on here than someone wearing the same jumper two days in a row.
theemmadilemma · 04/03/2022 13:22

Do you want your DC to think that's normal?

AgathaX · 04/03/2022 13:37

Is this a new situation or have they always been like this? Are their other issues too, do you get on well apart from this?

Broads93 · 04/03/2022 13:42

That's absolutely grim, I couldn't share a house with him, what an animal.
Sounds like you've got the ick.

MayBMaybenot · 04/03/2022 13:43

Have I missed something, or why is everyone assuming the OP is a woman married to a man who is a minger ......? (Not that that makes this behaviour acceptable in any way, of course).

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